Liz's Madhouse

[Gem_tiger]

We have a wonderful lady on Lit., fairly new here but well known at Yahoo.
Her 'name' is Lips222, she's young, beautiful and from the UK.
But, she has a wicked sense of humour. So, I have started this thread with the intention that anyone feeling a bit down can come here and see some jokes.
I know Lips has hundreds of 'funnies' but I hope everyone will try to contribute.
I don't quite know if this will work, so, where's Laurel? Is she in??
Anyway, we'll give it a go shallus???

Laurel, where are ya????

 

[Gem_tiger]

10 Things a Guy is Not Likely To Say

In reverse order..........

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven`t been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I'll
hold your purse.
2. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions.


This is one of hers. She will post more soon, I hope. I know that she is very busy today renovating a flat.

 

[Gem_tiger]

AFTER a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things,
but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in
your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the
shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be
cured, and all I know to do is to refer you to a witch doctor."

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch
doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once
a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as
long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4' and
it will go down. But be warned! It will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. So he lies in bed with her and says "1-2-3", and
suddenly gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"


And another of Lips' little Gems

 

[Crystal]

Oh dear

You both have a lot to learn.

 

[Gem_tiger]

Re: Oh dear

You both have a lot to learn.

What, whaaaaaaaaat?? You've just got to expand on that. If it's wrong, I need to know, don't just let me barrel-ass along.
Any advice is useful. I'm quite happy to shut the thread down again if it's not right.
Come back Crystal.

 

[Gem_tiger]

Another

THE WHY'S OF MEN

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor
lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it's sex with someone they love)

9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)

 

[lips_222]

Ha Ha Ha!

Even though I have read & posted these quite a few times, they still make me howl with laughter!

I LOVE THIS THREAD!

 

[MissTaken]

Bring us some more!

Hahahaha




Thanks for the morning funnies!

 

[SilverVeil]

Yeah .... I can use some laughs please

 

[lips_222]

Buttercups!

Toward the end of the golf round, Eddie some how managed to hit his ball
into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.


Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden--POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared.


She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the
rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast
for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter
for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! She was gone.


After Eddie got hold of himself, he yelled for his friend, Fred.
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."
Eddie yells back, "DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

 

[lips_222]

New Toaster anyone?

This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge for
a door at home. As she takes it to the counter, the clerk asks,

"Wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which she replies,

"No, but I'll blow you for that toaster on the top shelf."

 

[lips_222]

Revenge

Naughty Statues
> For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other
> in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
>
> "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going
> to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty
> minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his
> hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
>
> The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes,
> from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking
of
> branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes,
> wide grins on their faces.
>
> "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
>
> Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and
> said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on
it's
> head."

 

[lips_222]

Teacher Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
> >>exam.
> >>
> >>"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there
tomorrow.
> >>I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness,
> >>or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses
> >>whatsoever! "
> >>
> >>A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What
> >>would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
> >>sexual exhaustion? " The entire class does its best to stifle their
> >>laughter and snickering.
> >>
> >>When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
> >>student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
> >>write the exam with your other hand. "
>

 

[lips_222]

Alternative Sex Education

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."

"I believe that sex is a beautify thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."

"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."

"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

"There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

"I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over is head in case mine falls off."

"I know nothing about sex because I was always married."

 

[lips_222]

Doctor Doctor

A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous!

He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."

"Eighty-eight," she purred.

"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"Eighty...eighhhhtttt."

"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"One, two, three, four, five..."

 

[lips_222]

Just a picture

 

[lips_222]

Here kitty kitty

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready
to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.


As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle
her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each
time.


He would then stop and resume reading his book.


The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking
some response before going any further.



She got up and started stripping in front of him.


The husband was confused and asked:"What are you doing taking your clothes
off?"



The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were
trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"


The husband said," No, not at all."


The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"


The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the
page."

 

[lips_222]

Some links

Some funny, some happy. some sad, some serious...enjoy

http://www.link4u.com/touchsomeone.htm

http://www.strevelsgraphics.f2s.com/110.html

http://www.funforwards.com/flash/january02/wishing_fountain.cfm

http://www.colorgenics.com/

http://members.aol.com/doggiesnot/



Q. What do ducks like with their soup?
A. Quackers!

Q. What do you get when you cross a silly old bear and a virus?
A. Winnie the Flu

Q. What part of a fish weighs the most?
A. The scales

Q. What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A. A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crummy.

Q. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A. Put it on my bill.

FATHER: How are your grades, son?
SON: Under water, Dad.
FATHER: Under water? What do you mean?
SON: Thery're below C level.

Q. How can you make seven even?
A. Remove the "S".

Q. If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring?
A. Pilgrims!

 

[lips_222]

OH MY GOLLY!

I'm now EXPERIENCED! I've only been here 5 days!!! (less than 1 week anyway)!

 

[Gem_tiger]

From LMHM

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a
deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."

The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a
try. "After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blonde woman.
I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me
on the head with the beer bottle."



Submitted by LoveMeHateMe

 

[lips_222]

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered Little Johnny with a cat up his jumper.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"

 

[lips_222]

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a
more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped
them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Say guy...
...Would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok."

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said,
"Say guys... Would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok."

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said,
"We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been
here 10 minutes, and we've been offered two jobs already!"

 

[lips_222]

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

 

[lips_222]

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way?"

 

[lips_222]

A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.

Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"

He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."

"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.

He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"