Living w/Leaving a Dom? Two Questions

[3113]

I'm working out a story idea and I'd like some help because I want to get the relationships ringing true. So I hope you guys can answer two questions:

1) Living with a Dom: I'm sure there are plenty of couples who, as a couple dominate submissives together or have their own submissives on the side. Are there couples where only *one* is into BDSM and the other allows their spouse to have a submissive?

I'm especially interested in any insights into a non-BDSM relationship where the, say, girlfriend was aware of her boyfriend's tastes, but didn't get to see them upclose and personal until she moved in with him. Or does this just *never* happen?

2) Leaving a Dom: Okay. This going to sound really ignorant because, frankly, I am ignorant, so please help. Under what circumstances would a sub leave their dom? Emotionally I mean. When is the Dom being an asshole instead of a Dom, enough so that a sub will realize it and leave? I know that's a hard and subjective question, but any insights would be most helpful.

 

[Rrrosyn]

...I ask because the usual reasons for partners to leave partners don't quite seem to come into play in this relationship.

Just gonna toss this out so it can be addressed as well...

Why don't the "nilla" reasons apply to why a sub would leave a Dom? Unless both parties in a relationship are being fulfilled there is no reason to continue it. (Short of that whole, for the children or appearances stuff people like to come up with.)

 

[FurryFury]

Sorry this really just hit a nerve with me. People are always wanting to write about cultures or ways of life with which they have no real experience and have not done enough research.

This is why people should not write about that which they know so little. You don't even realize it when you bring your prejudices into the piece.

To write such a thing even remotely authentically you have to at least suspend your ideas about what such a relationship might be like, research like hell and then seek guidance. The last you have done here, so good for you. Clearly you haven't done the first two.

I've never lived with a Dom, nor have I left one but I can tell you this the reasons for leaving would not necessarily be that different as wise Rrrosyn has pointed it.

Do some reading and research on this board and in other places with an open mind. Sure it might take some time to do but you will find yourself richly rewarded. Your stories will be the better for it if you persist in writing them about such topics too.

Good luck,

Fury

 

[3113]

Sorry this really just hit a nerve with me.

I'm sorry if this hit a nerve with you and I do apologize if I was in any way flippant or insensitive. I guess pleading ignorance is never enough when one goes stomping into another's life asking stupid questions. I would, all the same, really hate to surrender this story idea. I think it has merit and pathos. But I won't write it if I can't make it real...which is why I'm here, asking these insensitive questions and reading as many stories as I can. Unfortunately, I haven't found one yet where (1) a non-BDSM is involved with a Dom, (2) a sub leaves their dom.

Even if I did find such stories here, I'd still have to ask these questions. As they're stories, erotica, they must contain a measure of fantasy and I'd have to be sure that you guys found them to be good writing before taking them as valid (as compared to wildly fantastic).

I will re-edit the post so that it has more gravity. I take my research and story writing very seriously, however lightly I may sometimes pose my questions.

 

[Rrrosyn]

Since a story is fantasy infused with reality, I think you could cover the first part easily enough. Basically, one member of the couple has to allow the other to have a sub. Not too hard. Poly-relationships exist and there are subs out there who are not sexual with their Dom/mes. You'd have to do some fancy writing to keep your non-BDSM partner to appear cuckolded or whatever the female version of that is.

On the second part, I feel you are stuck with the same "non-BDSM" reasons subs may leave their Dom/mes. They are not being fulfilled. Now if they are not being fulfilled in the BDSM aspect of the relationship, you can connect it there. Either a Dom/me who is too sadistic or disrespectful of hard limits, or a Dom/me who is not testing the sub's limits enough would make for a poor match.

 

[3113]

Either a Dom/me who is too sadistic or disrespectful of hard limits, or a Dom/me who is not testing the sub's limits enough would make for a poor match.

Thank you. That's a great help. I'll tell you pretty much what I'm going for here. I'm trying to write a fairly real story about a Dom (probably bi) who brings a non-BDSM (probably female) into his home. The sub (probably male) who also lives there has been uncertain of the Dom, but only realizes how truely disrespectful the Dom is thanks to seeing him (the Dom) in this other relationship.

What I do not want to do, and the reason for this thread at all, is to imply that BDSM is abuse, and that the sub realizes he's better off without it. That would be a cheat. The sub is a sub, and this is the kind of relationship he wants. He just picked a rotten Dom.

Which is why I raised the 2nd question. Abusive relationships of any kind often start small and grow till one partner finds themselves trapped. A woman may find her boyfriend, for example, loving and romantic at first...just a tad possessive. Soon the possessiveness has gotten worse and there's verbal abuse, etc. The abuser maintains control by putting the blame for his abuse on the victim.

Now I presume that this can as easily happen in a BDSM relationship as any. That a dom may inch over those limits little by little till the sub finds them gone and himself wondering if he wanted it that way. If the sub has few friends in BDSM to turn to, and doesn't come to sites like this one to say, "Is this right?"--might there not be the added confusion for him as to whether it is abuse or, in the most literal sense, what he asked for?

I don't mean this to be an insulting question--rather, I hope for it to be an intreguing question and one that makes for a good story. It's easy for a reader reading a straight romance novel to say, "That guy's no good for her!" when the heroine is being called nasty names (and for the reader to wonder why she's tolerating it, come to that). But it's far more elusive in a BDSM novel. And, I think, more chilling, as the reader might be no more certain than the protagonist whether the line has been crossed or not.

That uncertainty that the sub might feel, and how to bring to light to him and the reader that the relationship is poisonous, is why I need some help with this. The "wrong flavor" of the BDSM has to be there from the beginning and I'm not certain how to satisfactorily show that without tipping my hand. I want the reader in the sub's head--uneasy, but not certain.

Is this viable, or is it, all in all, a bad idea?

 

[FurryFury]

<snip>
I hope for it to be an intreguing question and one that makes for a good story. It's easy for a reader reading a straight romance novel to say, "That guy's no good for her!" when the heroine is being called nasty names (and for the reader to wonder why she's tolerating it, come to that). But it's far more elusive in a BDSM novel. And, I think, more chilling, as the reader might be no more certain than the protagonist whether the line has been crossed or not.

That uncertainty that the sub might feel, and how to bring to light to him and the reader that the relationship is poisonous, is why I need some help with this. The "wrong flavor" of the BDSM has to be there from the beginning and I'm not certain how to satisfactorily show that without tipping my hand. I want the reader in the sub's head--uneasy, but not certain.

Is this viable, or is it, all in all, a bad idea?

In order to avoid the auto reaction of he is being horrible and that is wrong for her, you might have her thinking how right this or that feels at first before the lines are crossed.

If the sub and the Dom establish a relationship in person versus real life there should be a LOT of communication going on. This should include hard and soft limits and safe words.

It is easy to be seduced by that which you envision and want so badly, this is true for nilla and BDSM relationships. Often one sees what they want to see and reasons that things are good enough or how they want them.

BDSM may or may not include as you say, "beating" and "name calling." There are so many different desires and needs in there that to think those are the defining characteristics of BDSM, shows again your own prejudices.

Looking on these boards you can find people who do allow a spouse to have others on the side and who are themselves nilla. You can find people who identify as subs and have to break off relationships with someone they have identified for a time as their Dom.

You can also find all kinds of BDSM play including what you jump to the conclusion of but also everything else. I know because since April I've been reading and I've seen all this.

It's not a bad idea to have a Dom who has a nilla wife, a male or female sub and who brings another in which while watching the Dom's treatment of the new one, makes an aha moment in the unsure male sub.

I wouldn't make the sub who is unsure a live in because in my opinion if he or she has gotten to that point they have worked through a lot of communication. BDSM requires more communication not less with the people involved.

Now I can see a manipulative sort of fake Dom. One who touts his own abilities and who ensnares people using physical and emotional triggers. Or one who doesn't respect limits or safe words and goes to far but doesn't seem to care enough as he should about the person he hurt and in fact blames it on them. These are typically called abusers though.

Also I can see a Dom that is not "hard" enough on the sub, and doesn't give the sub what they feel they need.

Or I can see a Dom who gets too busy or does not take time to treasure what he has.

That's just my two cents.

Good luck with your story,

Fury

 

[Softouch911]

I think, if I understand you, that you have an inital fictive problem in the premise of the story: why would someone who is a committed dominant bring a vanilla man or woman into a relationship? The motivation doesn't make sense.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen -- reality being stranger than fiction usually -- but you need credibility for it to happen in the first place. Especially if this person is so "committed" that they are going to prove to be knowingly sadistic ... this would be difficult to make sense of in characterization.

Please excuse if I'm misunderstanding you.

The scenario that seems more typical, and you can find a number of them described with some personal pain, at sites like this, or CollarMe, or BDSM Library, etc., is that someone in a vanilla relationship discovers their preference for dominance or submission, their partner is not interested (at least not on a serious level), and now the door is open for the intrigue of a third party.

To have such a "new" dominant perhaps open up some interesting appetites in his vanilla lover so that she discovers her own desire for submission is another possibility. She could even discover a penchant for pain and her "dominant" husband may find that she wants much more edge play than he is willing to give. She may then choose to leave him because he cannot be the dominant she wants even though, ironically, her appetites is kindled at his request.

I hope this helps and that I haven't entirely misunderstood the question.