Life's a bitch, then you die, fuck the world, and let's get high.

[yoshimitsu]

Okay this isn't a fuck the world thread, I just like the quote and it feels somewhat fitting today.

I have always had social trouble.
Maybe it has something to do with being laughed at in public school and then moving to be home schooled on a ranch in the middle of no where and not being around kids, social environments, or any one other than my uptight aunt and uncle for years on end. Or maybe I was born a social retard and my unsocial childhood really never had anything to do wit it.
Either way things still aren't working for me.

I have never been able to have the relationships with people that I want (Other than my ex of five years who is still by far my best friend. Okay so there was one).
I want close friends who want to hang out with me, people who randomly think of me and call or stop by to say hi. Instead I always find myself working to keep them in my life. If I don't call them I would never hear from them again. If I don't go out of my way to meet up with them I would never see them. This isn't limited to a few small groups of people but pretty much applies to any one I have ever been interested in getting to know.

Now there is the one theory of attraction. Abused people find themselves attracted to abusive people, People who were raped as children find them selves attracted to pedophiles or simalar unstable characters, etc. Maybe I find myself attracted (and not just in the romantic or sexual sense) to neglectful people who really don't give a fuck about me, but even if that's the case why would I want to hang out with people I am not attracted to.

The other possibility which hammers my insecurity and self doubt is what if a shadow lingers over me that dissuades people from growing close to me. This seems quite likely seeing how many people I have tried to become close to.
The hard part is seeing what that shadow would be. I feel like I am a fairly warm person and now am enjoying life more than I ever have, even if it's in a mildly Gothic sense of the word. I feel like I should be a fairly attractive person psychically (although I have always felt it is impossible for someone to accurately judge their own looks ), I am reasonably smart and very giving and caring as long as a relationship feeds me back. I am honest and feel like I am good at communicating if someone opens up to me, but that's the problem no one ever does. I don't believe I am cold, closed off, or terribly intimidating so I just can't figure out why people are so closed off to the idea of having a close open and caring relationship with me.

 

[sirensiren]

Basically what you're suffering from is a negative thought pattern that lies very deep in your subconscious, that says that perhaps people will leave you unless you do this and that, everybody has these thought patterns, some are more serious than others (the "there are never any pens when I need them!!" though pattern is a rather mild yet annoying one to have for instance)

The key is to change it

 

[Wise_Man]

Okay this isn't a fuck the world thread, I just like the quote and it feels somewhat fitting today.

I have always had social trouble.
Maybe it has something to do with being laughed at in public school and then moving to be home schooled on a ranch in the middle of no where and not being around kids, social environments, or any one other than my uptight aunt and uncle for years on end. Or maybe I was born a social retard and my unsocial childhood really never had anything to do wit it.
Either way things still aren't working for me.

I have never been able to have the relationships with people that I want (Other than my ex of five years who is still by far my best friend. Okay so there was one).
I want close friends who want to hang out with me, people who randomly think of me and call or stop by to say hi. Instead I always find myself working to keep them in my life. If I don't call them I would never hear from them again. If I don't go out of my way to meet up with them I would never see them. This isn't limited to a few small groups of people but pretty much applies to any one I have ever been interested in getting to know.

Now there is the one theory of attraction. Abused people find themselves attracted to abusive people, People who were raped as children find them selves attracted to pedophiles or simalar unstable characters, etc. Maybe I find myself attracted (and not just in the romantic or sexual sense) to neglectful people who really don't give a fuck about me, but even if that's the case why would I want to hang out with people I am not attracted to.

The other possibility which hammers my insecurity and self doubt is what if a shadow lingers over me that dissuades people from growing close to me. This seems quite likely seeing how many people I have tried to become close to.
The hard part is seeing what that shadow would be. I feel like I am a fairly warm person and now am enjoying life more than I ever have, even if it's in a mildly Gothic sense of the word. I feel like I should be a fairly attractive person psychically (although I have always felt it is impossible for someone to accurately judge their own looks ), I am reasonably smart and very giving and caring as long as a relationship feeds me back. I am honest and feel like I am good at communicating if someone opens up to me, but that's the problem no one ever does. I don't believe I am cold, closed off, or terribly intimidating so I just can't figure out why people are so closed off to the idea of having a close open and caring relationship with me.

Jesus its like sum1 just wrote down as i feel

 

[sirensiren]

I blame myspace...

 

[yoshimitsu]

Basically what you're suffering from is a negative thought pattern that lies very deep in your subconscious, that says that perhaps people will leave you unless you do this and that, everybody has these thought patterns, some are more serious than others (the "there are never any pens when I need them!!" though pattern is a rather mild yet annoying one to have for instance)

The key is to change it

I see how that could be the case but then how do you change it?
I am aware of how my thoughts actions and behaviors can effect my reality and I have tried many different things with pretty much all the same result. I always try to be myself but I am also of the opinion that can be what ever I want it to be so it leaves room for growth and change.

I just got out of a five year relationship which was a great thing for me. I walked out of it with more confidence, and stronger state of mind. As I started my single life and started putting more thought into my social life the last thing on my conscious mind was how I was going to fail at this. My confidence was strong and I wasn't worried about it. It's quite possible it was still there on a sub conscious level but if that can't be over ridden on a conscious level then how do you change it?

 

[SweetErika]

Basically what you're suffering from is a negative thought pattern that lies very deep in your subconscious, that says that perhaps people will leave you unless you do this and that, everybody has these thought patterns, some are more serious than others (the "there are never any pens when I need them!!" though pattern is a rather mild yet annoying one to have for instance)

The key is to change it

Agreed. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been helpful for me, so you might want to look into that, Yosh.

I also wonder if there is a pattern in the people you're drawn to. Perhaps you could try meeting people through different means once you've changed your thoughts and have a more positive outlook.

Just like with dating, I watch for red (and green) flags carefully from the start with new people. If a person cancels a lot or otherwise shows themselves to be unreliable (or any other undesireable trait), I don't put much stock in them, and may even cut them loose if it becomes a pattern. If they show qualities I'm looking for consistently, I put more into fostering the relationship. Sometimes I get burned this way, but usually not, and I can almost always find *some* good spot for them in my life if they're a person I enjoy (e.g. they might be a more occasional friend or someone I can count on, but may not see very much). So, maybe an approach like that will work for you.

 

[tanyachrs]

Now there is the one theory of attraction. Abused people find themselves attracted to abusive people, People who were raped as children find them selves attracted to pedophiles or simalar unstable characters, etc. Maybe I find myself attracted (and not just in the romantic or sexual sense) to neglectful people who really don't give a fuck about me,

Or maybe loners are attracted to loners. I get in a funk sometimes about the same thing - that if I didn't keep up my friendships they'd just fade away. Then I realize that that's true of all friendships. It's just more effort for me to keep them up and I think it's more effort for the sort of people I make friends with because they're like me. So neither one of us reaches out or we reach out occasionally and both feel like we're having to do it too often.

My friendships work best in a context where we're likely to run into each other anyway. Then we automatically drift together and no one has to "initiate" anything. Try joining some groups: hobbies, volunteering, sports. When you make friends in a setting like that you'll have a built in time and reason to see them and it won't feel as strained.

Also, give yourself the assignment of seeing and speaking to the friends you do have more often. Don't worry about who's initiating the contact. As you reach out to them more, you'll be a more normal and expected part of their lives and they'll start to reciprocate. You need to become a habit for them and they for you. That's what friends are, essentially: a social habit.

 

[sexualbeing]

Okay this isn't a fuck the world thread, I just like the quote and it feels somewhat fitting today.

I have always had social trouble.
Maybe it has something to do with being laughed at in public school and then moving to be home schooled on a ranch in the middle of no where and not being around kids, social environments, or any one other than my uptight aunt and uncle for years on end. Or maybe I was born a social retard and my unsocial childhood really never had anything to do wit it.
Either way things still aren't working for me.

I have never been able to have the relationships with people that I want (Other than my ex of five years who is still by far my best friend. Okay so there was one).
I want close friends who want to hang out with me, people who randomly think of me and call or stop by to say hi. Instead I always find myself working to keep them in my life. If I don't call them I would never hear from them again. If I don't go out of my way to meet up with them I would never see them. This isn't limited to a few small groups of people but pretty much applies to any one I have ever been interested in getting to know.

Now there is the one theory of attraction. Abused people find themselves attracted to abusive people, People who were raped as children find them selves attracted to pedophiles or simalar unstable characters, etc. Maybe I find myself attracted (and not just in the romantic or sexual sense) to neglectful people who really don't give a fuck about me, but even if that's the case why would I want to hang out with people I am not attracted to.

The other possibility which hammers my insecurity and self doubt is what if a shadow lingers over me that dissuades people from growing close to me. This seems quite likely seeing how many people I have tried to become close to.
The hard part is seeing what that shadow would be. I feel like I am a fairly warm person and now am enjoying life more than I ever have, even if it's in a mildly Gothic sense of the word. I feel like I should be a fairly attractive person psychically (although I have always felt it is impossible for someone to accurately judge their own looks ), I am reasonably smart and very giving and caring as long as a relationship feeds me back. I am honest and feel like I am good at communicating if someone opens up to me, but that's the problem no one ever does. I don't believe I am cold, closed off, or terribly intimidating so I just can't figure out why people are so closed off to the idea of having a close open and caring relationship with me.

Find confidence in yourself and the rest will follow

 

[yoshimitsu]

Find confidence in yourself and the rest will follow

 

[SweetErika]

If you're reacting like that to people who mean well, I'm not surprised you're having trouble establishing and building strong relationships.

 

[OrcishBarbarian]

I always thought the saying was, "Life's a bitch and then you marry one."

YMMV, I suppose...

 

[yoshimitsu]

If you're reacting like that to people who mean well, I'm not surprised you're having trouble establishing and building strong relationships.

I guess that might have been a little rude.
I just found the comment to be a little oversimplified, overconfident, assessment of the situation. Confidance is important but IMO one small little piece of the equation.

I appreciate the input you guys have given.
Especially
sirensiren
SweetErika
and
tanyachrs
Your responses sounded well thought out and gave me the impression you had some understanding where I was coming from.

"Find confidence in yourself and the rest will follow"
sounds like something miss america would say to some lowly less fortunate person to a question deserving much deeper thought.

 

[yoshimitsu]

I always thought the saying was, "Life's a bitch and then you marry one."

YMMV, I suppose...

Heard that one too but mine rolls and rhymes.

 

[M's girl]

"Find confidence in yourself and the rest will follow"
sounds like something miss america would say to some lowly less fortunate person.

It's all about perception....

The confidence statement is true. It's what it all boils down to. Now, since YOU find that hard to believe (maybe) or at least hard to bring yourself to is why you are responding like that.

Stop being all negative and start listening to what people, including sexualbeing, say here. All they can do is answer your question and advice you; the rest you will have to do yourself. If you don't believe in it, don't blame them...

 

[yoshimitsu]

It's all about perception....

The confidence statement is true. It's what it all boils down to. Now, since YOU find that hard to believe (maybe) or at least hard to bring yourself to is why you are responding like that.

Stop being all negative and start listening to what people, including sexualbeing, say here. All they can do is answer your question and advice you; the rest you will have to do yourself. If you don't believe in it, don't blame them...

I agree that people need to have confidence but I also believe there is a lot more to it than that.
Maybe that is why I responded like that. Maybe it nailed some insecurity and caused me to strike out.
Or maybe I have spent a lot of time thinking about things like this and felt it was like someone like me (a financial retard) telling someone all they needed was a calculator to manage their finances.
Or maybe it was some combination of the two.

 

[M's girl]

Well, I have always been a fairy secure person myself. I know who I am and what I want. There have been times when everyone kept telling me how nice I was and everything and still I could not find someone nice to be in a relationship with.

Although it did not bother me too much (I do very well when I'm living on my own and by myself), sometimes there would be that itch and longing for a warm, loving relationship. It's by far not like I was miserable without it; I just missed the cuddles and togetherness sometimes.

Then I fell in love again and what do you know? All of a sudden men came running from all the (dark? haha) corners of the world and interest in me rocketed sky high! Why? I don't know. It must have been my behaviour I think. I was in love and on top of the world and probably showed more confidence (in myself) than I had in a long, long time!

It simply attracts other people (not only men!). Women were also suddenly complementing me on how good I looked and everything, while nothing had changed in my appearance really!

Just saying...

 

[sexualbeing]

I guess that might have been a little rude.
I just found the comment to be a little oversimplified, overconfident, assessment of the situation. Confidance is important but IMO one small little piece of the equation.

I appreciate the input you guys have given.
Especially
sirensiren
SweetErika
and
tanyachrs
Your responses sounded well thought out and gave me the impression you had some understanding where I was coming from.

"Find confidence in yourself and the rest will follow"
sounds like something miss america would say to some lowly less fortunate person to a question deserving much deeper thought.

I see why people remain distant from you...your an asshole... how about this one..

Eat shit and die...

signed..

Miss america

 

[yoshimitsu]

I am in a much better mood today (partially in thanks to everyone who has posted here) and feel I should further explain where I was coming from.

There has been a lot of focus on confidence here. Yes that is a vital part of the equation and the conversation here helped me figure out for myself some other things that I think are equally valuable parts of the equation.
I think one of those is presence.
Yes presence and confidence are somewhat intertwined but not the same thing, nor do you need one to have the other. There are people with lot's of confidence but their presence is still weak and pathetic. There are others who you may not describe as the most confidant person but their presence is overwhelmingly appealing.
Another important aspect I think is Character. Character is strongly effected by confidance and presence but I believe is still a completely independant aspect.

Here's an example
Johnnny Depp
Edward Scissorhands
Fear and Loathing
Benny and joon
Pirates of the Caribbean

In Fear and loathing Johnny Depp is pretty confidant and has a lot of presence and character.
In pirates of the Caribbean he is incredibly confidant and has enough presence and character to cover half the cast's asses.
In Edward scissorhands and Benny and Joon he doesn't appear to have a lot of confidence but his presence and character make me want to get to know those characters just as much as the other two.

These are just a couple things I thought of. There are a couple more that aren't coming to me right now

Thanks for helping me think and brainfart out loud.

sexualbeing
I am sorry I offended you
I was not in the best of moods and was not looking for witty one liners.
If I was I could have gone here or here

 

[FurryFury]

Relationships take work for everyone, IMO.

Often people assume they are doing ALL the work but it's merely a matter of perspective and not one of fact though it may seem so.

Constantly comparing your perceived relationship efforts and desires with those of the people you want to spend time with can be dangerous and continue to perpetuate the above perspectives. Furthermore it can lead you to a sort of testing of others that will likely make you even more upset. Such testing is not really productive or fair to others.

The more you can relax, do your part and if you have to fake confidence the better. After a while you will find that you are happier and seem to have more friends who care.

This is only my opinion.

Fury

 

[Bono13]

You've allready gotten some great feedback. I too believe that confidence and attitude/mindset have a huge influence on peoples lives.

Here are some practical tips that have worked very well for me:

1. Rephrase your questions.
Especially in your original post, your questions were generally negative. Basically, you were asking "Why won't this work for me? Why does it have to be so hard?" etc. Now, the human brain will simply start processing everything that gets thrown at it on some level, whether concsiously or not. So, when you ask negative questions, your brain starts looking for reasons why this can't work and why the other must be so hard.
Ask questions that are positive and imply a simple solution, like so: "What's the easiest way to make this work for me?" or "What's the best way to solve this problem?"
I usually sit down with pen and pad when I want to work something out like this. Works wonders for me!

2. Give yourself a clear picture of what you want.
The clearer the better. You already have an idea of what you want, of course. Now, try to take that idea and intensify it. What do you want your relationships to be like? How do you want to feel? What sort of people do you want to meet? What do you want to do with them and what do you want them to do? The clearer your goal is, the easier it is to reach.
Taking time to visualize, write down or look at pictures of my own goals are a great help to me.

3. If you want something from people, ask them for it.
Call up one of your friends and tell them how you feel. Tell them you would like for them to call more often, to come visit more often etc. After all, what can you lose?


And last but not least, I too have one more piece of (slightly more vague) advice: Take responsability. As long as you feel that you're somehow doomed to be unsocial, you'll never be able to change it.

Hope this was helpful.

 

[yoshimitsu]

You've allready gotten some great feedback. I too believe that confidence and attitude/mindset have a huge influence on peoples lives.

Here are some practical tips that have worked very well for me:

1. Rephrase your questions.
Especially in your original post, your questions were generally negative. Basically, you were asking "Why won't this work for me? Why does it have to be so hard?" etc. Now, the human brain will simply start processing everything that gets thrown at it on some level, whether concsiously or not. So, when you ask negative questions, your brain starts looking for reasons why this can't work and why the other must be so hard.
Ask questions that are positive and imply a simple solution, like so: "What's the easiest way to make this work for me?" or "What's the best way to solve this problem?"
I usually sit down with pen and pad when I want to work something out like this. Works wonders for me!

2. Give yourself a clear picture of what you want.
The clearer the better. You already have an idea of what you want, of course. Now, try to take that idea and intensify it. What do you want your relationships to be like? How do you want to feel? What sort of people do you want to meet? What do you want to do with them and what do you want them to do? The clearer your goal is, the easier it is to reach.
Taking time to visualize, write down or look at pictures of my own goals are a great help to me.

3. If you want something from people, ask them for it.
Call up one of your friends and tell them how you feel. Tell them you would like for them to call more often, to come visit more often etc. After all, what can you lose?


And last but not least, I too have one more piece of (slightly more vague) advice: Take responsability. As long as you feel that you're somehow doomed to be unsocial, you'll never be able to change it.

Hope this was helpful.

Thanks that was very inspiring.
Especially the part about putting a positive spin on things and focusing on what you want.
It's funny most of this is stuff I already know. It just gets tossed away in some back corner of the mind only to be remembered when you least need it, or when someone reminds you.

 

[Frank Noir]

The other possibility which hammers my insecurity and self doubt is what if a shadow lingers over me that dissuades people from growing close to me. This seems quite likely seeing how many people I have tried to become close to.
The hard part is seeing what that shadow would be. I feel like I am a fairly warm person and now am enjoying life more than I ever have, even if it's in a mildly Gothic sense of the word. I feel like I should be a fairly attractive person psychically (although I have always felt it is impossible for someone to accurately judge their own looks ), I am reasonably smart and very giving and caring as long as a relationship feeds me back. I am honest and feel like I am good at communicating if someone opens up to me, but that's the problem no one ever does. I don't believe I am cold, closed off, or terribly intimidating so I just can't figure out why people are so closed off to the idea of having a close open and caring relationship with me.

Sometimes the image of you that other people see is very different from the image you think you're projecting - or indeed who you really are.

I (like my dad before me) have been seen as arrogant and aloof - and probably still am by many people - when in reality I'm a mess of insecurity and low self-esteem.

It's quite difficult for yourself to see what image you're projecting. Only really, really good friends can tell you that in a helpful way. Oh, and paid professionals, of course.

And you have to be prepared to hear the unpleasant truth - but you seem to be really motivated.

 

[christabelll]

lifes a beach

blechhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh