Letters

[WaxNWane]

Dear Very Smart Dog of Wallace,

I do apologize for any angst my inadvertent spelling faux pas has caused. I do request, however, a different penalty than tickling as golden showers are not my sexual style. I think spankings or teasings would be much more beneficial for both of us.

Crossing my legs,
Emood

Dearest E-Mood,

As we're in agreement on the bathroom activities staying in the bathroom (alone), spankings will do fine...so long as hair pulling is allowable.

Tingly-thigh-maker,
Grom to the it.

 

[Eumenides]

Dear MB, aka: I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up,

PV was always kind and flexible with me. You are just jealous because her love of plastic erotica exceeds your own. THat is why you melted her down to create your plastic toga which reads "Be plasticy, Melt PV".

However, I still like you, despite your murderous ways.

Love and admonishment,
Saucy Noodle.

 

[Guest]

Dear Laurel,

Please give me the thread title editing option for I'm a sad cunt who can't spell ''deer''.

 

[Eumenides]

Dearest E-Mood,

As we're in agreement on the bathroom activities staying in the bathroom (alone), spankings will do fine...so long as hair pulling is allowable.

Tingly-thigh-maker,
Grom to the it.

Dear It,

I think that we have come to an agreeable resolution. Hair pulling is fine, as well as spankings. I will await said punishment with anticipation. However, now I have to perform some very un-sexy tasks. Hope to correspond with you more soon.

Tingly-thigh-haver,
E to the Mood.

 

[Minkey Boodle]

Eumewhodeewhatie,

Having known Ms. Vasquez personally, I can vouch for her dishonesty where you were concerned. She told people what the wanted to hear, not caring one way or the other about them. She led you to believe that she was flexible when she really couldn't even reach her knees. You got taken in by the fake, plastic smile, just like everyone else.

I feel sorry for you in that, yet I guess I can like you too.

Wrinkly Yours,
Minkey

 

[Problem Child]

Dear Amelia,

All this talk of crotchless panties and black holes has me quite aroused. I'll need to relieve myself momentarily while staring alternately at your avatar and my genuine Raiders pennant from their first Super Bowl winning season.

As I am now truly smitten with you, yet we are so far apart, I have ordered for you the "Al Davis" model 7" vibrator, in silver and black (with the obligatory sliver "helmet" with raiders insignia). Hopefully this will take care of some of your more erotic "urges" until we can consumate our love for the Pirates of the Gridiron in person.

Your "Commitment to Excellence",

PC

 

[amelia]

Dear PC:

I have been desiring the Al Davis 2003 for some time now. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, in regards to my masturbatory urges.

If there is ever anything i can do for you in the future, please let me know.

Waiting for Al,
Amelia

 

[nasty1]

Dearest Amelia,

I may be upset the Raiders beat The Jets a few weeks ago, but, I hope they beat the piss outta the Dolphins, today. And, I can always forgive the Raiders of their defeat of the Jets, if I had my head between your legs.

Nasty1

 

[Nora]

Mr Stephan King
22 Twain
Bangor, ME

Dear Mr King,

It has come to my attention that I seem to have come into ownership of one of your possessions, namely a Brother sewing machine with a taste for blood.

I would be more than happy to pack it up and ship it to you at your earliest convenience, however I'm afraid that the blood stains on it will have to stay, as I am not risking taking it out of it's box again.

Also, I ask that you forgive the splotches on this letter, as I am unfortunately still bleeding from several fingers which the machine deemed tasty enough to bite.

Sincerely and in great pain,

Nora McSomething, your devoted fan.

 

[amelia]

Dear Miami Dolphins:

you may have won this round, but i'm sure it's because you cheated. we will get you. i do not know when or where but your time will come.

no, this is not a threatening letter. it is just a stated fact.

Raider Fan for life,
Amelia

 

[st4nton]

dear mom,

i am not a virgin. in fact i havent been one for a number of years. sometimes i even drink beer. i hope this doesnt dissapoint you.

your son,

stanton

 

[nasty1]

Dear Miami Dolphins:

you may have won this round, but i'm sure it's because you cheated. we will get you. i do not know when or where but your time will come.

no, this is not a threatening letter. it is just a stated fact.

Raider Fan for life,
Amelia

Dear Dolphins,

You're the WORST team in the NFL. You ALWAYS win. And, I'm not just saying that cause my brother likes you, &, picks on me when you win. Or, because, you hardly ever give the Jets a chance.

 

[amelia]

Dear Stanton:

After i finished talking to God this morning, i called your mom. She wanted me to tell you that she refuses to believe that you drink beer. She has known about the virgin thing for a while, but that no son of hers would ever drink nasty and gross beer.

oh..and your mom also said not to forget to wash your underwear because you never know.

with fond wishes,
amelia

 

[Eumenides]

Mr Stephan King
22 Twain
Bangor, ME

Dear Mr King,

It has come to my attention that I seem to have come into ownership of one of your possessions, namely a Brother sewing machine with a taste for blood.

I would be more than happy to pack it up and ship it to you at your earliest convenience, however I'm afraid that the blood stains on it will have to stay, as I am not risking taking it out of it's box again.

Also, I ask that you forgive the splotches on this letter, as I am unfortunately still bleeding from several fingers which the machine deemed tasty enough to bite.

Sincerely and in great pain,

Nora McSomething, your devoted fan.

Dear Ms. McSomething,

While Mr. King appreciates your devotion and willingness to serve, said sewing machine was thrown out of his household for obvious reasons. If you can figure out how to get said machine back into his book, rather than back into his home, he would be much obliged and might feel the need to send you some of his earlier works, which were more erotic in nature.

Thank you for your patience.

Mr. King's secretary,
Emoodiepants Devoura

 

[amelia]

Dear Emoodiepants Devoura:

I am very interested in some of Mr. Kings earlier more erotic works. Since i'm known to be a Witch i may be able to help get the cursed machine back into the book. Just let me know if i can be of any assistance.

Horny and Likes to be scared,
amelia

 

[nasty1]

Dear Amelia,

I'm horny & like to be scared, too. Coincidence, or, id it fate?

 

[Nora]

Dear Ms. McSomething,

While Mr. King appreciates your devotion and willingness to serve, said sewing machine was thrown out of his household for obvious reasons. If you can figure out how to get said machine back into his book, rather than back into his home, he would be much obliged and might feel the need to send you some of his earlier works, which were more erotic in nature.

Thank you for your patience.

Mr. King's secretary,
Emoodiepants Devoura

Dear Ms Devoura,

I can certainly understand Mr King's reluctance to reintroduce the sewing machine into his household. I share his reluctance to harbor the creature, myself.

I do believe that I have struck upon the perfect solution, however. Should Mr King be amenable to my idea, I will package and ship the blood-sucking bastard to Martha Stewart posthaste.

Please let me know if Mr King finds that solution to be in both of our best interests.

With extreme delight,

Nora McSomething.

 

[Stout chap]

Dearest Mrs Double-You,

How are you keeping up, eh? You old rascal! I'm writing from deepest darkest Thongolulu, you follow? The natives initiated me into their group; apparently it's the only way they allow you to invade them. A bizarre scene it was, too! it involved being buried up to my neck in dung and the villagers all spat and shat on my head! All in the name of our beloved King, eh? The new V. A. D. is something of a fox, I might add, and I'm afraid I may have made a pass at her last night; I can't tell, for I was quite tight after drinking all of the brandy we took with us. We should reach the Kingdom of Cocks within the week, so I shall keep you up-to-date on the situation!

Yours with earnest regard and lust,

Maj. Sgt. Hon. Lord Stout Chap II Esq. Mrs.

 

[amelia]

Dear Ms. Mcsomething:

Martha Stewart is not amused. She has eyes EVERYWHERE!

you better watch out,
Amelia

 

[nasty1]

Dear Santa,

Please send me a naked woman this year.

 

[Eumenides]

Dear Ms. McSomething,

Mr. King is so delighted with your suggestion that he has now returned to his study to retrieve his more suggestive works to send to you as soon as possible. In the future, if you want for anything, please contact him immediately. He is also going to start a new novel dedicated to your brilliance. It will be about a poor victim of Martha Stewart-like crafting. He will name her Nora. Any suggestions on a title?

Gratitude and Erotica,
Emoodiepants Devoura

 

[Nora]

Dear Ms. Mcsomething:

Martha Stewart is not amused. She has eyes EVERYWHERE!

you better watch out,
Amelia

Dear Amelia,

Martha Stewart can lick my asshole. Besides, it's not like she'd actually use the machine herself! She has staff to do all the work for her, then she proudly shows what "she" did on the camera.

Crankily yours,

Nora

 

[amelia]

My Nora:

please do not be cranky with me. Come over for a glass of tea, meet with Martha...after you stare at her pretty light i'm sure you too will appreciate Martha's fine ability and wonderful sense of style.

doing my mistress' will,
amelia

 

[Nora]

Dear Ms. McSomething,

Mr. King is so delighted with your suggestion that he has now returned to his study to retrieve his more suggestive works to send to you as soon as possible. In the future, if you want for anything, please contact him immediately. He is also going to start a new novel dedicated to your brilliance. It will be about a poor victim of Martha Stewart-like crafting. He will name her Nora. Any suggestions on a title?

Gratitude and Erotica,
Emoodiepants Devoura

Dear Ms Devoura,

Please tell Mr King that should he and Tabitha ever be in Central Texas I'd be *thrilled* to have them for dinner. Although, you may want to specify that they would not be the entrée, but rather honored guests.

Title suggestions include:

Nora (kinda like Carrie, but without the pig-blood)
Sewing Machine's Lot
The Thread Zone
The Crafter
The Hot Glue Man
and
ZigZag

Indelibly yours,

Nora.

 

[Nora]

My Nora:

please do not be cranky with me. Come over for a glass of tea, meet with Martha...after you stare at her pretty light i'm sure you too will appreciate Martha's fine ability and wonderful sense of style.

doing my mistress' will,
amelia

Dear, sweet Amelia,

As your beloved and true friend I'm humbly requesting that you leave the house now, walk to nearest psych ward and ask them to do a thorough deprogramming.

Please, for me?

Your worried amiga,

Nora.