Letters

[Vilac]

BlahBlah,

If that's what it takes to get you in there...I'll be more than happy to pee on your foot or leg. Just don't get carried away.

Anything more than that, and you're dancing on that line.

:: running to the store to stock up on pineapple juice and evian ::

Bloatingly yours,
V~

 

[amelia]

Dear, AMELIA

This is a form letter from the Spinaroonie school of non-sucktastical newbies informing you that while you have expressed an interest, we cannot process you without an application.

Richard Farnsworth,
Admissions.

Dear Mr. Farnsworth:

Where can i pick up this application. I'm in desperate need of adoption!

Waiting to call you Daddy,
Amelia

 

[ModernDayRomeo]

Dear babies,

You want to flirt? Yeah then lets get nasty. Check it. You want to feel my cock slipping between your ass cheeks headed for God knows where? Yeah baby. You want to feel my breath on your soft mound, making the hairs twinge just so? yeah you know you do. Come on babies. Make me come. Maybe then I'll let you come. You know you want to.

Sincerely,
Your Pal

 

[WaxNWane]

To the driver of that school bus this morning,

I know it was foggy, but I would like to think a woman with a few kids in her bus would do a double-check before pulling out in front of two cars on a 70 MPH highway. The lady in front of me was in a big ass SUV, no less. You're either blind or suicidal - either of which is fine were you not in a vehicle.

The wet streets were a nice dramatic effect. Sliding sideways with locked brakes and wondering if I was about to drift into oncoming traffic spiked my adrenaline nicely. You could put Starbucks out of business.

Please remove your head from your ass,
Crash test dummy #3

 

[Spinaroonie]

Dear Mr. Farnsworth:

Where can i pick up this application. I'm in desperate need of adoption!

Waiting to call you Daddy,
Amelia

Dear Amelia

To spite this thread, we will fax you.

Mr. Farnsowrth
TLR

 

[amelia]

Dear Amelia

To spite this thread, we will fax you.

Mr. Farnsowrth
TLR

Dearest Mr. Farnsworth:

I have received your application. I filled out in triplicate and returned it. Please consider me for any position you have available.

Contortionally Yours,
Amelia

 

[Pan718]

Dear General Board>Letters Household,

You may ALREADY have WON! Yes that's right. You may ALREADY have WON the GRAND PRIZE! Just imagine what you'd do with all that money. Pay off bills! Take a luxury DREAM vacation! Buy the HOME you've always DREAMED OF!

Perhaps our CELEBRITY PRIZE AWARD TEAM is already on the way to the General Board>Letters home! Just think of the surprise and EXCITEMENT as you open the door Mrs. General Board>Letters!

There's NOTHING to buy! This is just our way of THANKING YOU for considering the great VALUES we bring YOUR way! But you can't win if you don't enter! Someone is going to WIN THE GRAND PRIZE! Will it be the General Board>Letters household? We certainly hope so.

Remember enter today and BEGIN DREAMING about what YOU, the General Board>Letters household will do with the GRAND PRIZE CASH!

Sincerely,

Paid Celebrity Spokesperson

 

[amelia]

Dear Dorky English Professor:

I think I'm in love with the way you laugh at your own jokes. I really appreciated class today. Thanks for making me read the Iliad. I never would have read it, if you had not assigned it. I'm enjoying it alot.

Paying Attention and Reading ALOT,
Amelia

 

[RawHumor]

Dearest Amelia,

My hand itches to spank your bottom.

Please RSVP.

~RH

 

[islandman]

Dearest Amelia,

I saw a blonde on the train this morning that would have blown your mind. And, she was wearing black, knee-high boots with tiny heels and a grey skirt with a lovely slit in the back.

Hoping for a threesome, and not quite living in reality at the moment,


Islandman.

 

[Eumenides]

Dear Amelia,

The Illiad ROCKS! Go Agamemnon and Horace!

Mythologically yours,
Eu

 

[amelia]

Dearest Amelia,

My hand itches to spank your bottom.

Please RSVP.

~RH

Dear RH:

RSVP for one, please.

Waiting,
Amelia

 

[RawHumor]

Sweet!

 

[Eumenides]

Dearest Hurt One,

I am sorry that I hurt you. It was not intentional. I wish you would talk to me about it. If you don't, how do I apologize? And know what exactly to apologize for? *Sigh* I feel so terrible that you were hurt in any way. Please don't stay mad. I can't have you mad at me forever!

Yours Truly, Deeply, Madly

Eumenides the Rotten

 

[Vilac]

Dear Rotten-Ume,

I'll get over it in time. There's no need to apologize for not discussing your pelvic-grooming habits in your "Ask Ume" thread. I'll just have to respect your privacy and deal with the consequences. In the meantime, there really is nothing to "discuss" since you don't care to talk about it.

I won't stay mad at you forever, although Raw might. (I can't speak for him, you understand).

Intellectually yours,
V~

 

[Eumenides]

Dearest Hurt One,

I am sorry that I hurt you. It was not intentional. I wish you would talk to me about it. If you don't, how do I apologize? And know what exactly to apologize for? *Sigh* I feel so terrible that you were hurt in any way. Please don't stay mad. I can't have you mad at me forever!

Yours Truly, Deeply, Madly

Eumenides the Rotten

Sorry, V...wasn't to you.

Eumenides

 

[Vilac]

Sorry, V...wasn't to you.

Eumenides

Dear Ume,

I remember the days when you used to write to me. Love letters and poems and prose of all kinds. Romantic, caring, thoughtful notes. Things that made me glad I was a man.

Anymore you've grown bitter and sullen. You cannot even apologize properly. I'll let this pass also, and hopefully in time we can grow together and nurture the caring relationship we had back into something we can both be proud of.

Adoringly yours,
V~ P.S. - I need to get home and take my meds.

 

[Saint Peter]

Dearest Baruch Bear:

I am sorry I got spooge on you. I am also sorry Nora gave you such a fuckered up name.

Yours Truly
SaintPeter

 

[Eumenides]

Dearest Missing One,

COME HOME. NOW. IMMEDIATELY. ASAP. Please.

Yours,
Me

 

[Nora]

Dearest Baruch Bear:

I am sorry I got spooge on you. I am also sorry Nora gave you such a fuckered up name.

Yours Truly
SaintPeter

Dear StPete you fucking bastard!!

I can't believe you fucked me up my little stuffed-bear butthole, left your damned spooge in me to rot, then repacked my box and left me like this! YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET ME OFF, YOU ASSHOLE!

Now the bugs are coming after me to suck up your protein spill. Trust me, my name is the LEAST of my problems.

Fuck off,

Baruch B.

 

[Minkey Boodle]

Dear eBay,

You may commence with the taking over of the world now.

Thanks for the ride!

-FrankenBoodle

 

[Problem Child]

Dear M. Boodle,

You look cold.

signed,

Mr. Smurf

 

[Vinny]

Dear M. Boodle


I heard of blue balls
but what is up with the Blue Body

 

[amelia]

Dearest Raiders:

I'm very proud of you guys. I'm hoping that this week is a wonderful, fun experience for you. I'm also hoping that you guys look at the game tape and see how much all those penalties could have hurt you. You're lucky. McNair has a lot of heart..a few more stupid mistakes and this letter could be one of regrets instead of joy.


I love Coach Gruden, but i want you guys to go in there and kick his cute little ass.

With Love and Loyalty,
Amelia

 

[TheDR4KE]

Dearest Missing One,

COME HOME. NOW. IMMEDIATELY. ASAP. Please.

Yours,
Me

Seconded, and Quacked

the D