Let's tickle the funny bones :)

[italianGod]

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. “How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?” “I didn’t have to,” Steve replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol‘ lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,’ So, Here I am!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned around and smacked me in the eye!" The barman who was wise in the ways of the world said "That's not done, these days."

Another guy with a black eye walks into a bar. The barman, after serving this guy, asks him "how did you get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum". The barman said "don't tell me you reached forward and plucked it out". The guy said "Nope! The fellow beside me did that and got a smack in the eye. So I reached forward with my finger and pushed it back"

 

[italianGod]

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned around and smacked me in the eye!" The barman who was wise in the ways of the world said "That's not done, these days."

Another guy with a black eye walks into a bar. The barman, after serving this guy, asks him "how did you get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum". The barman said "don't tell me you reached forward and plucked it out". The guy said "Nope! The fellow beside me did that and got a smack in the eye. So I reached forward with my finger and pushed it back"

ROFL

 

[italianGod]

The Smith family is driving behind a trash truck when a large dildo flies out and hits their windshield. To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns and says to her young kids, “My, what a big insect!”

Her seven year old son responds, “Yeah, I’m surprised it could even fly with a dick that big!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

Anal deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here".

"I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager".

The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?"

"Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please."

"OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant."

"But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you."

The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!"

The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant."

"Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: *Take off cap and push up bottom*."

 

[italianGod]

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here".

"I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager".

The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?"

"Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please."

"OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant."

"But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you."

The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!"

The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant."

"Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: *Take off cap and push up bottom*."

 

[italianGod]

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, “My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?” The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend’s adult daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: “Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!” They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!” He replies, “OK, let’s check!” He shouts at his friend down the stairs, “Both of them?” “Yes, both of them!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred special forces, fully armed. The soldiers quickly entered the forest for a carpet search, and finally found the rabbit in the evening.

The next day, the Chinese army dispatched ten propaganda staff, each with a speaker, to start speaking at various locations in the forest. At noon, other animals in the forest voluntarily tied the rabbit and sent it out.

On the third day, it was the Russian army's turn. They sent only two people without any equipment. Five minutes later, after some severe screams, the two walked out of the forest with a smile, dragging a bear with a swollen face. The bear said dyingly: "Don't beat me again, please......I admit ...... I am the rabbit...."

 

[SunnyDays1]

Jimmy , an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcie grabbed at Jimmy's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmy scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

 

[italianGod]

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.

The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, “Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you’re the first girl I have ever loved.”

“Oh no”, Vickie groaned, “not another fuckin Rookie!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.'

 

[italianGod]

After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.'

ROFL

 

[italianGod]

A desperate guy named Jim goes to a whorehouse with $5. He buys a the cheapest prostitute named Sandpaper Sally.

As they start to have sex, Jim screams, “Ouch! Now I know why they call you Sandpaper Sally!”

Sally scoots out of the room. Five minutes later she came back and Jim attempts sex once again.

“What the hell happened?” asks Jim, “This is the best sex I”ve ever had!”

Sally replies, “Oh, I just picked my scabs and drained the puss.”

 

[SunnyDays1]

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll have to be driving around in a 40 year old beat up pick up truck as a punishment. So you’re free to go.”

He moves on to the second guy : “You lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 10 times. Well, it isn’t too bad, so you can stay in heaven, but your ride will be a 20 year old Toyota, it’s not glamorous, but hey, shouldn’t have cheated.”

Finally he starts talking to the third guy : “Holy crap, you lived a good life and never cheated on your wife. Well, my friend, you deserve this brand new Ferrari! Go on, enjoy heaven!”

A month passes, and the 3 guys meet up- The first 2 guys are really enjoying heaven, despite the fact that they’re driving crappy cars, but the 3rd guy is really sad. So they ask him : “You’re in Heaven, driving a Ferrari, would could you possibly be sad about? “

“Well, on my way here I saw my wife on roller skates”

 

[italianGod]

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll have to be driving around in a 40 year old beat up pick up truck as a punishment. So you’re free to go.”

He moves on to the second guy : “You lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 10 times. Well, it isn’t too bad, so you can stay in heaven, but your ride will be a 20 year old Toyota, it’s not glamorous, but hey, shouldn’t have cheated.”

Finally he starts talking to the third guy : “Holy crap, you lived a good life and never cheated on your wife. Well, my friend, you deserve this brand new Ferrari! Go on, enjoy heaven!”

A month passes, and the 3 guys meet up- The first 2 guys are really enjoying heaven, despite the fact that they’re driving crappy cars, but the 3rd guy is really sad. So they ask him : “You’re in Heaven, driving a Ferrari, would could you possibly be sad about? “

“Well, on my way here I saw my wife on roller skates”

 

[italianGod]

Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”

 

[SunnyDays1]

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment, and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

 

[italianGod]

A woman in a supermarket rushes to the express line with a few items. The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, “Excuse me, I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?” The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, “Nice tits.”

 

[SunnyDays1]

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.

The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other..."

Still silence from his wife.

The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset."

Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"

 

[hpycpl]

Three guys are walking through town and they see a sign that says " New brain surgeon in town that has perfected brain transplants. Offering Cash for donating your brains after you pass away"

They all decide to go see if they can get some money

They meet the doctor and he explains that he will pay bigger money for higher quality brains and it's all negotiable.

The first guy says I have an IQ of 105 and I want $2000.00

The doctor say ok and pays him

the second guy says I have an IQ of 125 so I want $3000.00

the doctor says ok and pays him

The third guy says I have an IQ of 85 and I want $6000.00.

The doctor is surprised and asks him The other two guys have much higher IQ's and took way less money, How do you figure that you, with the lowest IQ, deserve the highest price?

The third guys looks the doctor square in the eye and says " these brains have never been used!"

.

 

[italianGod]

Three guys are walking through town and they see a sign that says " New brain surgeon in town that has perfected brain transplants. Offering Cash for donating your brains after you pass away"

They all decide to go see if they can get some money

They meet the doctor and he explains that he will pay bigger money for higher quality brains and it's all negotiable.

The first guy says I have an IQ of 105 and I want $2000.00

The doctor say ok and pays him

the second guy says I have an IQ of 125 so I want $3000.00

the doctor says ok and pays him

The third guy says I have an IQ of 85 and I want $6000.00.

The doctor is surprised and asks him The other two guys have much higher IQ's and took way less money, How do you figure that you, with the lowest IQ, deserve the highest price?

The third guys looks the doctor square in the eye and says " these brains have never been used!"

.

ROFL

Btw...thank you for posting here !! Please continue

 

[italianGod]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said “Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.” “But madam, you must know that you are no wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 year- old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and gouges it's eyes out with his fingers, killing it.

He puts his dick back in his pants and turns to a stunned crowd of Marines.

"I bet none of you pussies can do that."

The crowd stays silent. A moment later, one of the Marines slowly raises his hand and says, "I.. I think I can sir, if you promise not to gouge my eyes out."

 

[hpycpl]

ROFL

Btw...thank you for posting here !! Please continue

T Y ItalialGod

I like this thread, and I wish I had found it sooner.


A well to do older man had just retired and thought he might like to try out an Adult Nudist development to live in. He finds one and at the office they tell him he can try out the facilities for the day at no charge to see if he would like it.

An hour later the old guy comes back and says "No way am I staying here!!!"

The office guy says " Why, what was so bad?"

The old guy explains "When I left here earlier I felt great being naked outdoors and decided to take a walk around to check the place out. I met a beautiful young lady who grabbed my hand and led me behind a bush. She proceeded to give me the best sex of my life!'

The office guy says "So what's wrong with that? it sounds good to me. Most of our people here are pretty free spirited like that!"

The old guy continued "Well after she left me I felt real good about myself and continued to walk around and because I felt so good I thought I would have a cigar! I lit the cigar and continued my walk. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing and I dropped my cigar. When I bent over to pick it up a young well endowed guy came up behind me and had anal sex with me!! "

"You have to understand " the old guy said, " I can only get and erection once a day or so, I drop my cigar many times a day!!!"

 

[SunnyDays1]

A drunk man is stumbling through the woods, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't Found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"