Let's tickle the funny bones :)

[SunnyDays1]

Donald Trump walks into a bank to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Trump: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Donald Trump, the President of the United States of America!!!!”

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Trump: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trump, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Trump: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”

Cashier: "Look Mr. Trump , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. Trump, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”

Trump stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue.”

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trump?"

 

[italianGod]

Donald Trump walks into a bank to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Trump: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Donald Trump, the President of the United States of America!!!!”

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Trump: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trump, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Trump: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”

Cashier: "Look Mr. Trump , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. Trump, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”

Trump stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue.”

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trump?"

ROFL
That's the best !! Thank you !!!

 

[italianGod]

A little boy going to school brought his cat with him. Teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?”

The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pussy up.”

 

[Unquoted]

My father was a conjoined twin. When I was little I introduced Uncle Paul as my uncle on my father's side.
Dad and Paul were surgically separated many years ago. Since their operation, I introduce Uncle Paul as my uncle once removed.

My brother is a carpenter. He builds the most beautiful staircases I've ever seen. That's why I introduce him as my step brother.

 

[SunnyDays1]

My father was a conjoined twin. When I was little I introduced Uncle Paul as my uncle on my father's side.
Dad and Paul were surgically separated many years ago. Since their operation, I introduce Uncle Paul as my uncle once removed.

My brother is a carpenter. He builds the most beautiful staircases I've ever seen. That's why I introduce him as my step brother.

LOL

 

[SunnyDays1]

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.

The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.

The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on."

"NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?".

"Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body."

"Will that free her?" the husband wondered.

"no, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece

 

[italianGod]

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.



“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”



“You miss me that much?” she asks.



“No,” he says. “But it kept me from cuming too fast.”

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I love it.

Donald Trump walks into a bank to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Trump: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Donald Trump, the President of the United States of America!!!!”

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Trump: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trump, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Trump: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”

Cashier: "Look Mr. Trump , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. Trump, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”

Trump stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue.”

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trump?"

 

[italianGod]

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.

The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.

The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on."

"NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?".

"Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body."

"Will that free her?" the husband wondered.

"no, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece

ROFL

 

[italianGod]

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees a girl to hit on, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says ” OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says ” That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.

 

[VoraciousValue]

"If you would tell the truth, everyone here says 'shit.' If you never said 'shit' before, come on out to the parking lot with me, and let me slam my car door on your hand. You'll say 'shit' and 'motherfucker!'

"'SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!' That's a normal reaction uptown."

-- Redd Foxx

 

[italianGod]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’ He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’ Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’ Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’

Clearing his throat, he stammered… ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone cumming… that was me.’

 

[SunnyDays1]

Golf panties

*
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind* blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded.
"Well" she said, "you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."*

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a $50...Go and buy yourself some underwear!!"
*
*
*
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers...Why not?"*

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."*

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says,* "For the sake of decency, here's a $20.... Go and buy ***yourself some underwear!"
*
*
*
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?"* She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!"*

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb....* Tidy yerself up a bit!!"
*

 

[italianGod]

*
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind* blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded.
"Well" she said, "you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."*

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a $50...Go and buy yourself some underwear!!"
*
*
*
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers...Why not?"*

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."*

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says,* "For the sake of decency, here's a $20.... Go and buy ***yourself some underwear!"
*
*
*
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?"* She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!"*

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb....* Tidy yerself up a bit!!"
*

 

[italianGod]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘Well, FUck me!! A talking pig!!

 

[SunnyDays1]

An ugly woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[italianGod]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.

 

[SunnyDays1]

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

[SunnyDays1]

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10.


The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10


This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The Bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!


You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

[VoraciousValue]

"I got a St. Bernard, weighs 260 pounds. He does not 'doo doo.' You cannot give a dog ten cans of Alpo and expect him to doo doo. St. Bernards SHIT! And I got a yardful to prove it!

"My neighbor called the po-lice, said I had a bunch of shit in my yard. They sent out a narco squad. They said, 'All right Foxx, where's all that shit?'

"I said, 'In the back yard there, go roll you some!'"

-- Redd Foxx

 

[SunnyDays1]

slow learner

A man goes to work one Monday morning and notices one of his coworkers has two big bandages on both of his ears.

"What happened to your ears?" he asks.

"Well, its a long story." he replies, "You see, my wife and I are planning a trip with my sister in law, and we were expecting a phone call from her on Sunday. I was watching the football game and my wife was ironing some laundry behind me. The phone rang, so I reached back to answer it, but when I put the phone to my ear I realized I had grabbed the iron by mistake!"

"Well that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"

"Well, wouldn't you know it, she called back."

 

[Com9licity]

Home alone!

 

[SunnyDays1]

A guy was stranded on a desert island with only a pig and a dog.

Several months went by and he was feeling the pangs of having no female companionship. He started looking at the pig and thought, "hmm, not bad." So, he started making a move on the pig, but each time he did the dog would bark and growl ferociously and pull him off. Every day went by and he'd try to sneak a little hug or kiss toward the pig, but each time the dog, ever watchful, grabbed him off gnarling and grrr'ing. He said to himself, "what am I going to do? This is soooo frustrating..... wait, I know, I'll let the dog fall asleep and then I'll make my move. So later that night, after the dog fell asleep, he lined up a little dinner atmosphere for the two of them. He slapped a little rogue and lipstick on the pig and invited her over to the table near the candlelights. But just as he went to make his move, the dog sniffed this out and went tearing over to them, pulling him off the pig. He was at wits' end!

A few days later a single man boat crashes up on the shoreline and out from the wreckage pops this tall,gorgeous, centerfold, voluptuous, model looking blonde!! Excitedly he runs full speed at her and starts yelling, "OH MAN THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.........!!!"

Can you get over here and hold this damn dog back for me!!!

 

[SunnyDays1]

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

 

[SunnyDays1]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"