Let's tickle the funny bones :)

[Unquoted]

A teacher takes her third grade class on a field trip to a cooking academy to let them experience different types of meat dishes.
As the kids try each meat, she asks them to guess what animal it comes from. She gives them hints to help them identify the
meats they can't correctly name. Everything is going fine until they try deer meat. The teacher says "It's something your mommy
sometimes calls your daddy". Little Janet spits out the bite she's chewing and screams "Don't eat it! It's Asshole!".

 

[italianGod]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.” Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”

 

[VoraciousValue]

"People ask me if Bob Zany is my real name, and I'll be honest, it isn't. My real name is Big Dick McGee!

"Oh, you gotta love a woman names you 'Big Dick,' huh? That's a woman with a vision. Problem."

-- Bob Zany

 

[italianGod]

One day this lady decided that her sex life wasn’t what it used to be. So she wanted to introduce a sex toy of some sort. So she went to the nearest sex shop and asked the clerk what would make her sex life go through the roof! The sales clerk whispered I have a very special item in the back if you wanna take a peek… So the woman went with the clerk to the back where he showed her the “Magic Dildo”. He said to make it work you just say, “Magic Dildo pussy.” or wherever you want it to fuck. The woman was amused and she bought it. Once she got home she unwrapped the Magic Dildo opened her legs and said, “Magic Dildo pussy!” And the magic dildo fucked her brains out and the woman instantly orgasmed! But she couldn’t get it to stop and it was starting to hurt!!! She kept saying Magic Dildo stop but it wouldn’t so she pulled it out and ran out of the house and when she turned the corner a police man stopped her and said,” Ma’m why are you running naked down the street?” So she told him the whole story and he said,” Magic Dildo my ASS!!!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk..

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

"How's that?" he asks

"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.

Snip, snip, snip,snip..

Out he comes. "How's that?"

He asks again more confidently.

"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked.

"Oh nothing, I just trimmed the top of your Ugg boots"

 

[SunnyDays1]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come are you sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

 

[italianGod]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come are you sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

LMAO

 

[italianGod]

A boy is invited to Thanksgiving dinner at his girlfriend’s parent’s house so that they can meet him.

They’ve been together a while but haven’t had sex yet.

His girlfriend tells him that after he meets her parents they can “get intimate”. So in preparation, he decides to get some condoms at the local drugstore.

As this will be his first time, he doesn’t know anything about condoms and so he asks the pharmacist what he should buy.

The pharmacist explains all about the differences between the brands and after a long chat the boy decides on a large box of “ribbed for her pleasure”.

The time comes for the Thanksgiving dinner and the young couple are seated at the dinner table with the girl’s parents.

The girl is surprised to see the boy has his head bowed down apparently deep in prayer. joke

She whispers to him, “I didn’t know you were so religious!”

He whispers back, “I didn’t know your father was a pharmacist.”

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

In crowded Houston at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

[SunnyDays1]

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"

 

[italianGod]

In crowded Houston at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

LMAO...... good one !

 

[italianGod]

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"

ROFL.... that's a lovely one !! Thanks for sharing !

 

[italianGod]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Syria.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Syria either.”

 

[Sundayschild]

Agreed. Made me grin.

 

[SunnyDays1]

Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins.

Priest to the first nun: "alright, sister, what was your sin?"

First nun: "I saw a man's penis today."

Priest: "hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water."

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from the fourth nun

Priest to the second nun: "alright sister what was your sin?"

Second nun squirming in anxiety: "I... I touched a man's penis..."

Preist: "sacrilege!! What a despicable act!!! Have you no shame?!! Go wash your hands in the holy water immediately and never do that again!"

The second nun does so and the fourth nun now quite audibly giggles harder, but the priest ignores her

Priest to the third nun: "Right... so what have you done sister?"

Third nun sweating profusely with guilt: "I don't know how to admit this father, and I solemnly repent, but I....I....... I SUCKED A MAN'S PENIS."

Priest: "Disgusting!!! Horrific!!! Scandalous!!! How dare you??!! Go wash your mouth out with the holy water and drink some too!!! At this rate we will all be damned to hell!"

The third nun does so and at this point the fourth nun bursts into laughter, hunched over her knees.

Priest: "goodness gracious almighty, what on earth is the matter with you?! And what heinous crime have you committed??"



Fourth nun: "I peed in the holy water."

 

[italianGod]

Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins.

Priest to the first nun: "alright, sister, what was your sin?"

First nun: "I saw a man's penis today."

Priest: "hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water."

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from the fourth nun

Priest to the second nun: "alright sister what was your sin?"

Second nun squirming in anxiety: "I... I touched a man's penis..."

Preist: "sacrilege!! What a despicable act!!! Have you no shame?!! Go wash your hands in the holy water immediately and never do that again!"

The second nun does so and the fourth nun now quite audibly giggles harder, but the priest ignores her

Priest to the third nun: "Right... so what have you done sister?"

Third nun sweating profusely with guilt: "I don't know how to admit this father, and I solemnly repent, but I....I....... I SUCKED A MAN'S PENIS."

Priest: "Disgusting!!! Horrific!!! Scandalous!!! How dare you??!! Go wash your mouth out with the holy water and drink some too!!! At this rate we will all be damned to hell!"

The third nun does so and at this point the fourth nun bursts into laughter, hunched over her knees.

Priest: "goodness gracious almighty, what on earth is the matter with you?! And what heinous crime have you committed??"



Fourth nun: "I peed in the holy water."

ROFL !! Classic !!

 

[italianGod]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

 

[italianGod]

A retired prostitute is looking for a virgin to marry.

She searches and searches and finally finds one in Australia.

So on their wedding night she goes into the bathroom to slip into something more comfortable

While she‘s in there, she hears lots of loud noises coming from outside the door

She peeks out and sees her new husband stacking and pushing all the furniture to the wall.

She says “honey, what the hell are you doing”? joke

He says ( Australian accent) its true, I’ve never fucked a woman before, but if it’s anything like

Fucking a kangaroo, we’re gonna need all the room we can get.

 

[italianGod]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?” She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet, cutest little voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”

 

[italianGod]

Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. “I’ve never done that” she says, “What do I do ?” “Well” replies Ben, “remember when you were a kid and you’d shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it … that’s what you do.” She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears. She asks ‘Whats wrong ?‘ Ben cries “TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

The old priest was sick off all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One day he said "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit."

Everyone liked the priest, so together they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had ‘fallen.’

This seemed to please the old priest and things went very well, until one day the priest died at an old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the town's mayor and looked and sounded very concerned.

The priest said "You have to do something about all the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realising no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain why everyone kept saying they had ‘fallen,’ the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don’t know what you’re laughing about. Your wife fell over three times this week!"

 

[italianGod]

The old priest was sick off all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One day he said "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit."

Everyone liked the priest, so together they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had ‘fallen.’

This seemed to please the old priest and things went very well, until one day the priest died at an old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the town's mayor and looked and sounded very concerned.

The priest said "You have to do something about all the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realising no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain why everyone kept saying they had ‘fallen,’ the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don’t know what you’re laughing about. Your wife fell over three times this week!"

ROFL

 

[italianGod]

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks.

“I’m going down to give blood.”

“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”

“About $20.”

“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.” The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

“Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?”

“Sperm bank,” she says with her mouth full.

 

[SunnyDays1]

Bianca's boyfriend (Brad) goes on a business trip...

A week goes by, and Brad gives Bianca the bad news that his business trip would be extended to one more week. Bianca, starting to feel a bit horny was not excited to hear the news but she thought "its just one more week, I can wait."

The second week goes by and Brad is still not home, so Bianca, being now extremely horny, dashes to her phone and gives Brad a call, Brad answers, and once again he gives her the disappointing news that he won't make it until the following week.

In anger and frustration Bianca thinks "I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER", so she goes out and looks for the guy with the longest and girthiest cock she could find and tells him to only fuck her asshole as she wants to keep her pussy only for her boyfriend. They bang.

After the exhausting night, she wakes up the next morning feeling guilty she cheated on Brad, so in order to feel less miserable she thought about getting a tattoo on each of her butt cheeks with hers and Brads initials (B)(B). She then gets a call from Brad with the news that he was able to finish up before anticipated and that he was on his way home.

Bianca feeling excited that Brad was finally coming home, decides to surprise him by getting on all fours showcasing her brand new tattoos right in front of the door, so that she would be the first thing he sees. Brad arrives, opens the door, stares in confusion, and in a slow, deep, and irritated voice says,

" WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"

 

[italianGod]

Bianca's boyfriend (Brad) goes on a business trip...

A week goes by, and Brad gives Bianca the bad news that his business trip would be extended to one more week. Bianca, starting to feel a bit horny was not excited to hear the news but she thought "its just one more week, I can wait."

The second week goes by and Brad is still not home, so Bianca, being now extremely horny, dashes to her phone and gives Brad a call, Brad answers, and once again he gives her the disappointing news that he won't make it until the following week.

In anger and frustration Bianca thinks "I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER", so she goes out and looks for the guy with the longest and girthiest cock she could find and tells him to only fuck her asshole as she wants to keep her pussy only for her boyfriend. They bang.

After the exhausting night, she wakes up the next morning feeling guilty she cheated on Brad, so in order to feel less miserable she thought about getting a tattoo on each of her butt cheeks with hers and Brads initials (B)(B). She then gets a call from Brad with the news that he was able to finish up before anticipated and that he was on his way home.

Bianca feeling excited that Brad was finally coming home, decides to surprise him by getting on all fours showcasing her brand new tattoos right in front of the door, so that she would be the first thing he sees. Brad arrives, opens the door, stares in confusion, and in a slow, deep, and irritated voice says,

" WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"