Let's Talk About Sexual Compatibility

[BiBunny]

I see so many threads on Lit where a couple is having problems because one partner wants more/less/kinkier/more romantic/etc. sex than the other. It's pretty obvious that all kinds of troubles can be attributed to a lack of sexual compatibility. Additionally, I'm *sort of* involved in a sexual incompatibility issue right now. I may talk about it at length later, but for now I want your opinions on the subject. How important is sexual compatibility to you? Do you think it's shallow or petty or whatever for a person to be extremely unhappy because of differing views about sex, kink, or D/s? Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who didn't satisfy your needs? Let's hear it.

 

[July06]

no i don't think i could spend the rest of my life that wasn't compatable with me. a little diffrence is fine, but if it is making either of us unhappy, then something must be done. the two don't have to break up, but some really good comunication must take place

 

[NoLeafClover7]

......

 

[Netzach]

I think there's a minimum baseline issue of compatibility. There are going to be parts where your venn diagrams don't overlap. My SO likes harder CBT than I really enjoy doing on him, I like humiliation play and he doesn't, he probably would never ever ever tire of being strap-on fucked and my appetite for that has it's limits eventually. But the overall diagrams overlap more than they don't. We both wanted bi, poly partners, in his case a more Dominant one, in my case a more submissive one.

The technical details can be worked out. And, in the case of poly/open relationship people at least, if there's something my partner totally hates that I totally want to do I can pursue that with other people. And vice-versa - this helps.

I personally couldn't be with someone who didn't mesh well with me sexually. And not because my libido is so tremendous, but to not be on the same page when you fantasize, dream, desire, just won't work. I can't be with straight men or lesbian women as a rule, because there's just a disconnect around the mindset and needs of a bisexual person that a monosexual person is going to have, and vice-versa - that's a big one.

 

[Auraka6669]

There has to be *some* connection. Everything isn't going to be perfect. But so long as you can meet on common ground more often then not, I'll be happy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think it depends on the people involved and what they want their life to be like. I know for myself I had relationships with some fairly great guys along the way, but inevitably sexual incompatability alwyas became the breaking point. For most it was that they did not have a libido to match mine, or were hung up on what they did enjoy and continued to try and make me feel guilty for that enjoyment even though they wanted repeat experiences....the last one before F was vanilla and probably one of the more experimental partners I have had, but he stil used to get stuck at times on whether he should enjoy certain things as much as he did, and then when I introduced D/s into the idea of ways to go, he decided he would be willing to give it a go but that because I was wanting to be the sub, he should be because in his way of thinking if I wanted it so bad, it must be the most fun and satisfying.

It was a pity because we connected in a lot of other areas, and IMO he could have made a great Dominant, not to mention revel in it, if he could have let himself go and stopped analysing if xyz was right, especially in the eyes of religion. So yes, for me, in later years it became obvious that I needed to find someone who had a similar libido at the least, and was also headed in a similar direction in terms of D/s and SM and sexual needs. There will always be differences because no 2 people are identical in all ways, but close is far better than trying to make it work where 2 people are forever at loggerheads over which direction the relationship should be going in, and what should be OK to be enjoyed and desired.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

Hmm...what I wonder about is change. I haven't always had the same libido. It's always been healthy, but now it's off the charts. What if it decreases again?

Has everyone else's needs here always remained constant?

 

[amadaun]

I'd say it's hugely important, especially if you're not so down with the poly thing and have to satisfy most of your partner's needs. Actually, I'd say it's one of the most important things to have a close match on: obviously, I want my partner to have interests, tastes and opinions that overlap with mine to a good degree, but ultimately, I can always find another friend to talk to about history or politics or cooking or to go fishing and camping with (all things that my current partner hates). It'd be nice if he shared that, but he doesn't, and that's okay. But I can't find someone else to do *insert specific kinky act with*, and neither can he, because we're both pretty stuck on monogamy for now, although I suppose that might potentially change in the unforseeable future. You can, of course, be good giving and game to a degree and fulfill your partner's needs that don't particularly excite you, but it's so much better if you both enjoy it, no?

 

[Ice2000]

Find the person that you can live with as a person, dependable, smart, caring, that you respect, and outsource your sexual needs.

I based my first half dozen "live in" relationships on sexual needs. Will not work! There is more chance of being struck by lightening that finding someone sexually compatible and also having the qualities you look for in being a life's partner.

You keep telling yourself what a hot lady you got.. as she runs you freaking crazy.

If your broke then there is not a lot of risk to try a few live ins . But as you age and acquire wealth.. you darn well better worry about dependability and trust before sex.

 

[Zinfandel]

.....

 

[Netzach]

Find the person that you can live with as a person, dependable, smart, caring, that you respect, and outsource your sexual needs.

I based my first half dozen "live in" relationships on sexual needs. Will not work! There is more chance of being struck by lightening that finding someone sexually compatible and also having the qualities you look for in being a life's partner.

You keep telling yourself what a hot lady you got.. as she runs you freaking crazy.

If your broke then there is not a lot of risk to try a few live ins . But as you age and acquire wealth.. you darn well better worry about dependability and trust before sex.

I think having overlap between both those things is important. I probably derive more arguments in my relationship over the fact that M is even *more* of a stay at home introvert than I am than we do over how we're going to get it on. However, I don't find that dealbreaking, any more than I would his desire to hang bigger weights off his balls than I find erotic.

Additionally, I find that even the least jealous of people are not happy to sit by while all sexual passion is outsourced in their face, and I'm not good at 2 or three secret lives. Some people are equipped for that, but I'm not.

 

[FurryFury]

I see so many threads on Lit where a couple is having problems because one partner wants more/less/kinkier/more romantic/etc. sex than the other. It's pretty obvious that all kinds of troubles can be attributed to a lack of sexual compatibility. Additionally, I'm *sort of* involved in a sexual incompatibility issue right now. I may talk about it at length later, but for now I want your opinions on the subject.

1.) How important is sexual compatibility to you?

2.) Do you think it's shallow or petty or whatever for a person to be extremely unhappy because of differing views about sex, kink, or D/s?

3.) Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who didn't satisfy your needs? Let's hear it.

I think sexual compatibility is pretty damned important. It doesn't have to be perfect compatibility but there must be some shared areas.

2.) I don't think it's shallow or petty but then again I may be. For me, sex is a huge part of a "romantic" relationship. I don't need a roommate. I need someone who I want to fuck and who wants to fuck me preferably with a lot of D/s, failing that some kink is a must.

3.) I could. I was prepared to stay with my first husband no matter what. He left.

I am prepared to stay with my current husband no matter what.

That's not to say some of my sexual needs weren't and aren't satisfied but certainly not all of them were or are.

The relationship is closer of course. In fact prior to my finding out what to call my darker side and accepting it, it was pretty perfect. Now there is more disparity but that's not his fault.

He is living up to what we agreed on and made our lives be. I will not penalize him now that I have a different awareness and hungers that have come to the fore in the last few years. He has certainly done his best to meet them. That is all I can ask of anyone. It's also more than I would have or did ask of him. He stepped up of his own volition. I can't treasure him enough for being so open and willing in that regard.

Fury

 

[Ice2000]

Obviously the more overlap the better Netzach. But overlap usually don't get the job done and is very hard to find. Then what?

 

[Netzach]

I understand hard to find.

I had pretty much reconciled myself to living alone and a series of nice but ultimately not very serious relationships. I had no expectation that I'd ever want to live with anyone again, particularly because I found my needs so specific and so unlikely to be met by anyone, let alone someone I enjoy as much at the table as I do in bed.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Find the person that you can live with as a person, dependable, smart, caring, that you respect, and outsource your sexual needs.

I based my first half dozen "live in" relationships on sexual needs. Will not work! There is more chance of being struck by lightening that finding someone sexually compatible and also having the qualities you look for in being a life's partner.

You keep telling yourself what a hot lady you got.. as she runs you freaking crazy.

If your broke then there is not a lot of risk to try a few live ins . But as you age and acquire wealth.. you darn well better worry about dependability and trust before sex.

I think it all depends on mileage and how much you want a relationship where all areas are met for both. I wasn't someone who lived with those I dated...only had one living together relationship and one marriage before this one...sort of seemed to make sense to me as it allowed me to find out if they were someone who could be important enough for me to invest that much risk (emotional, financial, physical) in as opposed to becoming overly negative due to a string of failed living together relationships which didn't work after the first flush of excitement faded.

For me it was a matter of like Netzach said, making a choice to live alone if I couldn't have someone who I could look at across the table every morning the rest of my life, as well as look forward to going to bed with each night...I was so married to it I stayed single for around 16 years after my divorce despite some fairly great offers of romance and/or marriage. But then I found someone who was that magical one in and out of bed, in and out of the dungeon, and for me it far surpasses having to try and live a dual life which can never give me fully what I can have with one person with whom I can be honest and open and share everything with. It is possible for everyone I believe, but what I think gets in the way is a lot of people these days want everything instantly and are not prepared to put in the work or wait until it happens and while they are busy with the one who can't make it happen for them, the one who could is likely walking on by and finding someone else.

Catalina

 

[Ice2000]

Catalinia/Netzach I think you guys are the exceptions and not the rule. You both are extremely blessed. (those struck by lightning). I was very much like you both, figured I would never find someone I wanted to live with again.

lots of live in lovers.. nothing but problems.. Great sex though.

at 40 or so I finally found someone exceptional.. even a sub.. well kinda vanilla for me but a sub. She is the rock in my life... She knows me. I don't have to explain or make excuses. I don't ask questions when she wants her time.. it works.

If you know your lover has slept with 100 people before your relationship.. what is 101?

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

I see so many threads on Lit where a couple is having problems because one partner wants more/less/kinkier/more romantic/etc. sex than the other. It's pretty obvious that all kinds of troubles can be attributed to a lack of sexual compatibility or lack of communication! .

Additionally, I'm *sort of* involved in a sexual incompatibility issue right now. I may talk about it at length later, but for now I want your opinions on the subject. How important is sexual compatibility to you?

It's very important to me, but had you asked me before I was married, when I was a virgin I wouldn't have realized how important.


Do you think it's shallow or petty or whatever for a person to be extremely unhappy because of differing views about sex, kink, or D/s? No but I think there is a level of compromise and responsibility to learn about eachother before promises such as vows are made.

Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who didn't satisfy your needs? Is it only my sexual needs they can't satisfy? I think this depends on a lot of things. If they are willing to watch while I take care of things on my own...if they are understanding in that I'm not made to feel bad for things I want or like then yes. It's about taking care of eachother. I fully realize this can change over a lifetime, desire can be effected by lack of sleep, responsibilies elsewhere etc. I think it goes back to having respect for your partner and working together to meet the needs of both people. That doesn't mean everyone gets their way..more...a compromise is made. Let's hear it.

........

 

[amadaun]

Catalinia/Netzach I think you guys are the exceptions and not the rule. You both are extremely blessed. (those struck by lightning). I was very much like you both, figured I would never find someone I wanted to live with again.

lots of live in lovers.. nothing but problems.. Great sex though.

at 40 or so I finally found someone exceptional.. even a sub.. well kinda vanilla for me but a sub. She is the rock in my life... She knows me. I don't have to explain or make excuses. I don't ask questions when she wants her time.. it works.

If you know your lover has slept with 100 people before your relationship.. what is 101?

101 is everything, to a lot of people, including myself. I take a don't-ask-don't-tell attitude to past sexual history (except in drinking games and with regards to STI testing)... but cheating once you're in a relationship is an entirely different story.

It's hard to find someone with enough overlap to be compatible with if you're kinky, sure, but the fact that lots of people have had success is evidenced by this board... you just have to do more legwork, it seems to me. Thank goodness for the internet.

 

[Ice2000]

amadaun please don't take this the wrong way.. but at 25 I would have told you the same thing..

double those years and triple those relationships and get back to me.


Also remember when I was 25 the beginnings if the Internet was years away.
Yes I think the net would have had a serious impact on my life if I had had it. But you play the cards your dealt..

This forum is an extremely small community compared to the general public. You go tell your neighbor about you sexual needs and mothers will call there kids in when they see you in your yard!

So I still say finding compatibility is not easy. I have met a few sub's on the net and the general reaction is "Christ your the genuine article!" That tells me that even finding a real dominate male is not easy.. Real sub females is much harder

lots of wanta be's you bet.

So I still say "Struck by Lghtning" is the odds.

 

[amadaun]

amadaun please don't take this the wrong way.. but at 25 I would have told you the same thing..

double those years and triple those relationships and get back to me.


Also remember when I was 25 the beginnings if the Internet was years away.
Yes I think the net would have had a serious impact on my life if I had had it. But you play the cards your dealt..

This forum is an extremely small community compared to the general public. You go tell your neighbor about you sexual needs and mothers will call there kids in when they see you in your yard!

So I still say finding compatibility is not easy. I have met a few sub's on the net and the general reaction is "Christ your the genuine article!" That tells me that even finding a real dominate male is not easy.. Real sub females is much harder

lots of wanta be's you bet.

So I still say "Struck by Lghtning" is the odds.

None taken, I'm still young and idealistic and in love.

No doubt it's a small community... that's why you talk to your neighbours about the weather and possibly how bad traffic is, not your sexual needs.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalinia/Netzach I think you guys are the exceptions and not the rule. You both are extremely blessed. (those struck by lightning). I was very much like you both, figured I would never find someone I wanted to live with again.

lots of live in lovers.. nothing but problems.. Great sex though.

at 40 or so I finally found someone exceptional.. even a sub.. well kinda vanilla for me but a sub. She is the rock in my life... She knows me. I don't have to explain or make excuses. I don't ask questions when she wants her time.. it works.

If you know your lover has slept with 100 people before your relationship.. what is 101?

Not sure I agree totally. For me it was a matter of making a conscious choice of what I needed and then going about finding it without allowing myself to be distracted by something sexual which from past experience I knew was not going to keep me happy for long. I approached it similar to a job...use every possible waking moment toward finding that right person, do everything possible to make it happen, and not dallying with those I knew were not even in the running. For me, sex has always been a huge component of any romantic relationship, but I didn't see that as necessary to live together and as you say, complicate things further when you could as easily have the sex without the living together responsibilities and ties which can lead to more problems, more time wasted whic h could be better spent looking elsewhere.

If you allow yourself to be guided by your libido to the point you will get over involved (as in living together) with someone who you know is not for you long term, you are not going to get the results you want, be free to find someone who can meet those needs, nor for me would you come across as someone who was in control of their own destiny or knew what they wanted necessarily. To live with someone, I have to feel there is a strong possibility they are the right one for me and me for them, and when that happens it means I am not looking around for something secretly on the side because I am working on the relationship my life is entwined with, and have already made sure they can meet my most important needs, D/s included. Guess I tend to be a very focused person when I am dealing with something I feel is important and as such feel it necessary I give a relationship my best effort more so than settle for what scraps I can get. One of the advantages I am finding with approaching middle age is that you begin to see very clearly what really counts, and what you need to do to have happiness and peace in your life without regret or guilt.

Catalina

 

[Ice2000]

Not sure I agree totally. For me it was a matter of making a conscious choice of what I needed and then going about finding it without allowing myself to be distracted by something sexual which from past experience I knew was not going to keep me happy for long. I approached it similar to a job...use every possible waking moment toward finding that right person, do everything possible to make it happen, and not dallying with those I knew were not even in the running. For me, sex has always been a huge component of any romantic relationship, but I didn't see that as necessary to live together and as you say, complicate things further when you could as easily have the sex without the living together responsibilities and ties which can lead to more problems, more time wasted which could be better spent looking elsewhere.

If you allow yourself to be guided by your libido to the point you will get over involved (as in living together) with someone who you know is not for you long term, you are not going to get the results you want, be free to find someone who can meet those needs, nor for me would you come across as someone who was in control of their own destiny or knew what they wanted necessarily. To live with someone, I have to feel there is a strong possibility they are the right one for me and me for them, and when that happens it means I am not looking around for something secretly on the side because I am working on the relationship my life is entwined with, and have already made sure they can meet my most important needs, D/s included. Guess I tend to be a very focused person when I am dealing with something I feel is important and as such feel it necessary I give a relationship my best effort more so than settle for what scraps I can get. One of the advantages I am finding with approaching middle age is that you begin to see very clearly what really counts, and what you need to do to have happiness and peace in your life without regret or guilt.

Catalina

Excellent points Catalina .. I admire your focus. Guided by libido.. Guilty as charged. lol! Getting tied up with live in's is exactly what I did wrong early in my life. I was too successful too young and totally full of myself. Regrets, I have a million of them.. But I think I'm typical and your the exception.

Your blessed .. with focus and knowing what was really important at an early age. That is even more rare than a lightening strike.

 

[Marquis]

I think it depends on the people involved and what they want their life to be like. I know for myself I had relationships with some fairly great guys along the way, but inevitably sexual incompatability alwyas became the breaking point. For most it was that they did not have a libido to match mine, or were hung up on what they did enjoy and continued to try and make me feel guilty for that enjoyment even though they wanted repeat experiences....the last one before F was vanilla and probably one of the more experimental partners I have had, but he stil used to get stuck at times on whether he should enjoy certain things as much as he did, and then when I introduced D/s into the idea of ways to go, he decided he would be willing to give it a go but that because I was wanting to be the sub, he should be because in his way of thinking if I wanted it so bad, it must be the most fun and satisfying.

It was a pity because we connected in a lot of other areas, and IMO he could have made a great Dominant, not to mention revel in it, if he could have let himself go and stopped analysing if xyz was right, especially in the eyes of religion. So yes, for me, in later years it became obvious that I needed to find someone who had a similar libido at the least, and was also headed in a similar direction in terms of D/s and SM and sexual needs. There will always be differences because no 2 people are identical in all ways, but close is far better than trying to make it work where 2 people are forever at loggerheads over which direction the relationship should be going in, and what should be OK to be enjoyed and desired.

Catalina

Yo Cat, I looooove what you're saying here, love it.

But I feel like more people would have the opportunity to read it if you hit the enter key more often, on the real.

 

[Marquis]

Seems to me that there's gotta be decent helpings of both serendipitous likemindedness and open-minded effort for any sexual relationship to survive the test of time.

Come up short in either area and you're going to have some problems.

Wisdom, Power, Serenity and all that.

 

[Marquis]

No wait... Power, Serenity, Wisdom?