Let's Talk About... 'Ghosting'

[Jada59]

Out of curiosity (and because I'm too lazy to go back and read the thread), how long do you wait before considering yourself ghosted?

Three days? A week? A month?

And how long do you continue trying to make contact before calling off the search?

Depends on the person. I hear from some people every day or nearly every day. Some are more sporadic. If it's someone I regularly hear from and they suddenly go missing, I would usually give them a few days then ask if they are okay. If I hear nothing back and I see them posting here or elsewhere, then I assume they have ghosted me.

What I don't do is bug people. I will usually send one message. If they don't respond, I let it go.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Depends on the person. I hear from some people every day or nearly every day. Some are more sporadic. If it's someone I regularly hear from and they suddenly go missing, I would usually give them a few days then ask if they are okay. If I hear nothing back and I see them posting here or elsewhere, then I assume they have ghosted me.

What I don't do is bug people. I will usually send one message. If they don't respond, I let it go.

Yeah, I'm not a bugger either.

I figure they know where I'm at, if they wanted to be in touch with me, they would.

 

[NeonSubtlety]

It’s not right. But it’s just so fucking easy.

I’m a slut for convenience.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

And by slut, you mean dick?

 

[Jada59]

Yeah, I'm not a bugger either.

I figure they know where I'm at, if they wanted to be in touch with me, they would.

Exactly.

 

[coffeelover5]

Exactly.

Non the less it sucks

 

[Karabare]

Yeah, I'm not a bugger either.

I figure they know where I'm at, if they wanted to be in touch with me, they would.

Non the less it sucks

Sucks so much and makes us feel less then. But it is easy.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Out of curiosity (and because I'm too lazy to go back and read the thread), how long do you wait before considering yourself ghosted?

Three days? A week? A month?

And how long do you continue trying to make contact before calling off the search?

Why don't you just tell us who ghosted you? Then, we can all say if we have heard from said person. Then we can tell you whether he is still lurking about.

And when you say "make contact"... With whom? Don't let this be like that fucked up sisterwives ordeal with 1SB some years back.

Have you discussed a plan for this? Or talked about the possibility? If not... Don't try to make contact. The number of people who have my personal information is very small, by design. I would be unhappy with someone trying to initiate contact if I hadn't had the conversation.

https://www.biography.com/.image/t_share/MTMxNDc2MTQzODA2MTI1MzMw/ghostjpg.jpg

 

[DarkSimian]

Which is worse: when someone totally disappears off the face of the earth, or when they just stop talking to YOU, and yet are still out chatting with everyone else? Discuss....

 

[Lord Pmann]

Which is worse: when someone totally disappears off the face of the earth, or when they just stop talking to YOU, and yet are still out chatting with everyone else? Discuss....

This has never happened to me. I'm very interesting.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Which is worse: when someone totally disappears off the face of the earth, or when they just stop talking to YOU, and yet are still out chatting with everyone else? Discuss....

Face of the earth.

Because if they are talking to other people then at least I know they are alive and I can transition to thinking they are a douche-canoe. If they vanish, I assume they are dead or abducted by aliens.

This has only happened to me once and I spent a few days at the start of the year looking at obituaries. Eventually he reemerged with zero idea of the emotional rollercoaster I'd been on.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Only once? Lucky girl.

And agreed, face of the earth.

If i can see him around, i can grow to 'hate' him (not really), and that helps me let go... eventually. If he's just fucking gone i tend to get swallowed up by the grief for a long, long time.

They both suck.

 

[LikeableMe]

Face of the earth.

Because if they are talking to other people then at least I know they are alive and I can transition to thinking they are a douche-canoe. If they vanish, I assume they are dead or abducted by aliens.

This has only happened to me once and I spent a few days at the start of the year looking at obituaries. Eventually he reemerged with zero idea of the emotional rollercoaster I'd been on.

It always shocks me how unaware people seem to be of the emotional rollercoasters they can cause! I guess some people just don’t realise how much they mean to another.

Only once? Lucky girl.

And agreed, face of the earth.

If i can see him around, i can grow to 'hate' him (not really), and that helps me let go... eventually. If he's just fucking gone i tend to get swallowed up by the grief for a long, long time.

They both suck.

I’m the opposite, seeing them around still is like a knife wound in the heart, but disappearing off the face of the earth allows me to still think about them in a positive way, and believe everything we had is still true somehow. I can think positive vibes for him, whilst he’s getting probed by the aliens!

I think ghosting is cruel. I’ve always said that. It saves a lot of confusion and self questioning by just having a “sorry, this isn’t working anymore” conversation.

Is ghosting just a cowards way out?

(And before this causes any misunderstandings, no - I am not directing my comment at anyone in particular!)

 

[Justadesperatewifeandmom]

Which is worse: when someone totally disappears off the face of the earth, or when they just stop talking to YOU, and yet are still out chatting with everyone else? Discuss....

I prefer the ghost here. Of course, number 1, I have to realize it is a ghost. Just because someone doesn't respond to a message, while here, doesn't mean a ghost. I am frequently here enough to be in a word thread, but just don't have the time or the mindset to respond in an in-depth and thoughtful way to a message that deserves it. Then, of course, boxes get full, boxes get dumped. I might need to send a message once a week for three weeks, and then think it was a ghost. Truth is, I've not gotten to that point yet, because if someone is here but ghosting me, we were fundamentally incompatible and I saw it too. So the death of conversation is not a surprise, I let it die when they do, because it just doesn't work. There were obviously different needs, desires, or expectations. Maybe it was fun, but eventually the obvious surfaced. Hell, I am incompatible with most everyone so I get why. Something happened that made them see I wasn't right for them and they weren't enjoying our time. I am good with that, and will still happily banter with them in threads. No hard feelings, wish them the best.

The vanish ghost, well ok, life is busy, they need a break, that is cool, I get that. But as weeks go into months, you still wonder if they might come back. Sometimes they do and it is like they never left, and sometimes they don't, but you still think of them from time to time and smile.

I'd rather know they simply weren't enjoying time with me, I wasn't what they wanted or needed, and keep it light and easy, then have any hope they might come back and it never happen.

 

[lurkingguy1978]

Having been on both ends of this (admittedly, and when I was younger and not who I am now)

...the ghosting here (or on your social media platform of choice...I'm old enough to remember chat rooms fondly) is preferable of the two bad options.

If you're here and decide to cut me off? Ok...I get it. It's not fun, but it happens to someone every day. And it sucks.

If you fall off the face of the planet and I'm doing Google searches for obituaries or accidents for someone I care about, that's upsetting.

As someone who discovered a close, decade-long friend (whom I invited to my wedding, even) had died six months earlier after vanishing months before that? Yeah...I'm not ever going to ghost you. I don't want anyone to feel that pain because of my stupid ass.

Just...no.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

https://i.ibb.co/2kTF4qM/67555325-2270485383063637-6261743686829211648-o.jpg​

 

[Acktion]

Ghosting?

Way, way back I was hanging around on Lit and got to be pretty good friends with someone. Like exchanging several messages each day. She knew that my health wasn't good. And, sure enough, I ended up having... well, a bad time. (Anyone who needs the details already has them. The rest of you can fuck right off.) I wasn't online in any way, shape, form, or fashion for a long, long time. Months.

And when I did get back on, I couldn't remember my account and password. This one, as it happens. (Obviously since remembered.)

I created another account. But, when I went looking for her, she'd deleted her account. And I saw where, before she had, she'd spent months looking for me, asking people if they knew anything about me. Which, of course, no one did. And now, I had no way to get in touch with her. That is the only person that I feel any guilt about. My "ghosting" was not done apurpose. I could not have gotten back any sooner than I did. And when I did, she was gone. Perhaps because I'd hurt her so badly. Or perhaps it had not a damn thing to do with me that she left Lit (at least under the name I knew).

I was only under that account for a couple of months before we lost not only the internet but electricity as well for a couple of months.


When I was able to get back on, I could not remember THAT account or password. Or even the email address it was under. During that short time that I was roaming around, I had made... well, an acquaintance. I suppose some might call it "friend," but I'm a tad bit more selective in what relationships I accord that accolade. And I wouldn't go that far. But, we were typically exchanging a message... mmm... maybe not every day. But, probably every two or three days. Nothing very "deep" (which is why I label it "acquaintance").

When I created my new account, I went looking for her. But, she had likewise deleted her account. And I had no way of letting her know that I was around. That I was okay.

I did have a small worry that she might have felt ghosted, but it was short-lived. The major difference was that the first gal had attempted to contact me repeatedly, for months after I disappeared. Through PMs. Through open forum threads. Via emails. The second had not. Not even one. (I have since remembered the account name, the password, and the email and checked.) Ergo, I feel not the slightest twinge of guilt for the second while the first still haunts me even all these years later.

More importantly, at least to me, in defining what I did in the first iteration as "ghosting" (although it was not done on purpose and could not be helped) there were two factors that came into play. She and I had built a close relationship. And, both of us firmly believed that everything was alright and would continue to be. She had absolutely no reason to believe that the last message she got from me would be the last one. (And neither did I.)

By the same token, the second gal could also be said to have every reason to believe that the last message wouldn't have been the last message (as I didn't think it would). However, we were not that close. And, as I say, she did not send me any messages either.

During my third iteration, my wife died. And I was all set to log out for the last time. And never come back. However, I did not want to pull a third fade without letting anyone who might have cared about me, whether I knew or not, know that I was leaving. The spectre of that friend I'd ghosted was still haunting me. I created two threads; one in the Author's Hangout (where I spent most of my time) and one in the How To (where I spent the rest of it). And in those threads, I announced not only my intent to leave, but exactly who I'd been in my previous iterations (for the slow ones in the class who hadn't caught on when I'd admitted it repeatedly), even linking the profiles.

And people came crawling out of the woodwork. Some that I'd seen around but hadn't been aware thought twice about me. Others that I'd never even so much as seen before. All encouraging me to stay. To keep writing on the stories side. To keep posting on the forums side. So, I did. It was a painful catharsis in many ways.

And I made some friends. Friends who were beyond special to me. Some that I was, perhaps, unwise in my choices.

The thing is... I've been classified as disabled and virtually housebound for a decade now. Before she died, my wife was (quite literally) the only human face I would see, the only voice I would hear, for days and even weeks at a time. When we added my depression from being recently widowed to my agoraphobia... Well, it was perhaps foolish of me to place so much value on the seven people I took off Lit and into other forms of electronic communication. That I would value them more than people I had a chance to see them face to face or hear their voice without the crackle of a long-distance phone line.

Every single one of them faded away. I can't really call it "ghosting" because they all let me know something was wrong before they did it.

(Well, one didn't say anything at all, but just didn't respond to three messages. That one, I did consider had ghosted me until she messaged me with an apology and a reason. Months later. I, of course, accepted the apology. I'm not a complete asshole, despite what many seem to think. However, the damage was done. An apology... an explanation... after the fact can only do so much to mitigate the harm wrought.)


The first of March 2019, I was in the same position as I'd been at the end of January 2018. Perhaps worse since I'd seen some hope and had that hope reft away. I think hope is sometimes the cruelest thing to offer someone. If you have no hope, then you have nothing to lose, and so don't care as much when someone steals something you didn't really have anyway.


However, I didn't learn my lesson. Not well enough.

I wandered off to a different website. And after a couple of weeks, was unwise enough to get entangled with someone there for two months.

Unfortunately (for both of us), not only will I not ghost, but I won't fuckin' leave. Once I'm in, I'm all the fuckin' way in. And I will stay and fight to the bitterest of ends. No matter the additional hurts and harms she wrought, I took the pain and punishment until, finally, she said the magic words. "I'm done. I don't want you."

Alrighty, then.

Here's the fuckin' funny.

Just yesterday (or maybe the day before), she popped up accusing me of ghosting her.

But, wait. Let me explain just why, and in how many ways, this is fuckin' hysterical.

Despite my very clear listing that my hard limits are 1) lies, 2) abandonment, and 3) lashing out with the intent to harm me or someone I care about, she consistently did them all during our time together. Including "breaking up" with me three times prior to that fourth time.

The night in question, she came to me with something that, yes, made me furious. And I chewed her ass and told her exactly what she was going to do to make it right. No "or else" required. She was just going to fucking do what I said. Period.

She had the audacity to get angry with me. Apparently, because she had come clean about it and apologized for it, I was just supposed to be okay with what she'd done. Ah... no. Some things require a little more than "I'm sorry."

However, I wasn't going to leave her. And, when I saw it coming, I told her that. And I told her that she'd better think really damn carefully about the words that were about to come out of her mouth. About if she meant them or not. Because I'd allowed her to break up with me three times and come back for an unheard-of fourth attempt because she begged me into it. That if she broke up with me this time, there would be no more tries. We would be done. Period.

She hung up me.

And called me back an hour later and said those magical words.

I said, "okay. Goodbye."

The next day, she came at me wanting to know if we could be friends. I said, "sure."

It wasn't thirty minutes later that she started in on wanting me back. Which I told her she didn't get. Not ever again.

Over the course of the next three days, she messaged, she emailed, she called, she begged, she pleaded... and then she started accusing me that I'd never wanted her in the first place. That I'd tricked her into breaking up with me so I wouldn't be the bad guy.

For reasons that had not a damn thing to do with her, despite her egocentric cosmology, I went dark. I not only had no significant online presence but unplugged the phone. Once my health was back under control, I made a resurgence. Which she missed because she went off to pout.

And came back after a month's absence herself accusing me of ghosting her.

Er, no. My last message that she was "an egocentric little emotionally stunted child that will lie, manipulate, steal, beg, plead, whatever it takes to get your own fucking way, that treats everybody including me like some little digital toy, a computer game that you can pick up and discard at your fucking convenience, that never gives a thought to anyone beyond yourself and your own selfish needs and wants, and you and I have nothing further to say to each other. Ever!"... That was a pretty clear indication that there would be no more messages from me.

By the same token, someone I considered a very dear friend just recently informed me virtually the same thing. That I was being selfish and thoughtless and hurt them. (I happen to disagree and think I only lashed back when they continued to attack me. Regardless of how much pain from another source, I will only allow so much before I slap back.) And that they don't know if they will ever speak to me again. I haven't said anything to them since, and won't until they do.

***sigh***

And, I wandered off on more than one tangent, didn't I? Or did I?

Maybe. Maybe not. (Although, I readily admit I did get long-winded as fuck. Which should be no surprise to anyone that knows me. [Pro-tip; if long as fuck posts bother you, set me to ignore and you won't even have to scroll past my long assed posts since it will just skip them to show the next.])

But, back to the questions asked...

How do you define it?
01) There has to be a relationship. To wit; some gal I'd never heard of messaged me out of the blue. We exchanged something like thirty messages, all in one day. She hasn't replied to my last message. Did she ghost me? Nah. I'd never heard of her before that day and was more than a bit startled that she sent another message as long as she did. I don't know her. And, despite the fact that I pretty liberally bled my heart's blood all over these forums under my last iteration, it was fairly obvious from the last message that she didn't have a clue about me.

02) A sane and rational person would consider the relationship to be okay. That is, that there is no problem in the relationship. (Unlike that poor disturbed girl that I really don't see how I could have been any blunter.)

03) A sane and rational person would expect the interaction to continue. (Again, I'm pretty sure "we have nothing more to say to each other" should be a pretty major fuckin' clue.)

04) There is a reasonable attempt on the part of the "ghosted" to continue the conversation. For myself, I consider three unanswered messages an indication that for whatever reason, there will be no more communication with this person, however close we once were. But, only those I label "friend" (or higher) get that consideration. Acquaintances only get one unanswered message from me in their inbox before I take the hint and wander off.

Why do women do it? Why do men do it?

Mmm. I don't think it's a gender thing so much as that it's an indicator that they have a stunted interpersonal intelligence, whichever gender they happen to belong to. (Or, if you prefer Briggs-Myers to Gardner, perhaps they are INTJ)

Who do you think does it more often?
Mostly answered above. But, further explanation, I think this behavior is most often executed by ones who have enough thought for the other person that breaking off the relationship will hurt them, but not enough emotional acumen to know how to handle the hurt that acknowledging the hurt they caused the other will cause them more appropriately.

It's been my experiences that very few of us will openly acknowledge when we are the villain of the piece, preferring to believe themselves the hero of the story. And... I don't know. Maybe by not having the conversation, they allow themselves to live with their self-delusion a little longer?

Have you ever had someone 'go ghost' on you? How did you feel about it?

Oh, yes. Variously over the decades, I have had people ghost me, distance from me, and discuss the ending of the relationship with me. Each of them have their own pain. I don't know that ending a relationship that had any significant meaning could be otherwise.

But, as the specific question was about ghosting...

Time was that it hurt me. Very badly. I was left wondering what I'd done. What I could have done differently. What was wrong with me that they didn't want me.

These days... I just don't care. I mean, yes, I do still care that the relationship is over. If, that is, they had any special significance to me beyond the fact that I allowed them to contaminate my air. But, whether they ghosted me, gradually distanced from me, or sat down for one of those "we need to talk" moments, the relationship is still over. And, if they ghosted me, then they just weren't worth the waste of my remaining time on this side of the grass.

Have you ever gone ghost on someone else? Why? Did you ever regret it later?


***see long winded shit above***

TLDR; Yes, unintentional because of health, and yes (both later and at the time)

What have you learned from your experiences with it?

Well... here's a picture of my fuck dispenser...
http://eachdesk.com/gallery3/30/f12/225803/225803-1-04.jpg


Anyone who ghosts me, doesn't reply to three attempts to continue contact, doesn't get a free refill.

On the other hand, anyone who abandons me three times when I need them, even sitting down and telling me exactly why beforehand, doesn't either.

Is ghosting ever the right thing to do?

Fuck yes!

An abusive relationship in which the escapee has a real and rational reason to fear for their life or even continued physical well-being and security. Slip out the fucking door, start walking, don't look back, and do not give that fucking asslick a clue where you've gone!

 

[Richard_C]

I've had it happen to me a time or two. It usually happens early in my interactions with someone, so I don't get to hung up on it. I start with the premise of just be a good person. You know, being respectful, courteous, kind and such. That's how I roll.

 

[Eisranac]

I don't believe in ghosting. It's cowardly, uncivil, and unfair to the ghosted.

When someone is interested in me in terms of something more than platonic but I'm not interested in return for whatever reason, I let her know in the nicest way I can. But I always leave that door open to further communications and interactions, and that's usually led to good friends who I've been fortunate to have for years.

I prefer to keep an open mind about people in general.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

It always shocks me how unaware people seem to be of the emotional rollercoasters they can cause! I guess some people just don’t realise how much they mean to another [/I]

Or they’re just showing their true feelings, lack of care and their real face.

Remember... it’s better to have loved & lost, than never to have loved at all

 

[babygirlslave19]

I have been ghosted in a number of heart wrenching ways, I don't need to get into the details.

But my 2 cents here to anyone that is hurting because of being ghosted is that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You have been the kindest, most understanding person...they chose to leave because of their own logic and way of dealing with things. It says alot about them, it is not a consequence of sonething you did or didn't do.

Plus the universe has a thing called karma, this is why people often wonder why bad things happen to them.

 

[Eisranac]

Not sure how I can be involved in that when I was ghosted for no reason or explanation by the same person who started it.

Ah, well...that's life. C'est la vie.

La vie. There. I said it.

 

[Cyberbella]

Not sure how I can be involved in that when I was ghosted for no reason or explanation by the same person who started it.

Ah, well...that's life. C'est la vie.

La vie. There. I said it.

I'm with you. I've been ghosted by several. Sometimes it really didn't matter I wasn't that invested, but being ghosted by the same person time and time again really sucks. I will say I'm to the point I'm saying screw it. Obviously if he feels his time is way more valuable than mine and he is soooooo damn busy, he is not deserving of my time nor my energy!

 

[DarkSimian]

I’ve stopped talking to people I don’t consider myself in a relationship with. The definition of that, to me, is not being on my Skype or text or phone or real life.
That’s not ghosting. That’s disinterest.

I’ve gotten pissed at people and stopped talking to them, but they are not stupid, and usually the feeling is mutual. That’s not ghosting. That’s dislike.

There was someone I gave repeated warnings to, that he was overstepping boundaries with me, and stopped talking to him. He was shocked and hurt at the time. We have since spoken about it, but while we are now friendly, we are no longer friends.
That’s not ghosting. He was dismissed.

C’est la vie.

Y'all mark this on the calendars; I actually agree with everything Fara said

 

[Cyberbella]

Everyone's situation is different. I don't think you can make a blanket statement about anyone's relationship. I think that relationships are a personal experience. Whether or not you agree if someone's been ghosted or not... their feelings still matter in the situation.