Let's Talk About... 'Ghosting'

[Lord Pmann]

Incidentally I Nickelback.

You're just saying that so I'll stop stalking you!!!

 

[ydahecnot]

I'm sure there are women and men who are dead because they tried to leave a relationship the right way. Ghosting may have saved their lives. Perhaps a person is afraid of what someone could/would do if they left. Sometimes you have to remove toxic people from your life in order to protect yourself.


Have I ever done it? Yes, about 40 years ago.

I guess that was on CompuServe?

 

[PeteHulbert37]

True, Ricky. And sometimes they get caught and have to leave to fix what's broken. But if they're physically able they should say goodbye. Almost as bad are the one line "I have to walk away" messages you get with no real explanation. I've gotten one of those.

Honey...you can have it. But don't wait for me to croak. It's on Venus.com!!

Well, I've seen some discussion of definition. I'm talking about relationship. In casual chat you don't get "ghosted". If someone is worrying about that? I can't help with that. Lol

I got told once they got caught by spouse. Oh, ok I get it. 2 days later, new ID but same person playing the same game. Liar!! Not cool!

 

[clistenovena]

You know, if it's a situation where one or the other doesn't want to do whatever anymore, online or offline, just say that. Literally, just say, "Hey. Don't want this anymore." Might seem harsh, but it demonstrates your humanity. Leave someone hanging without a word, well, what Ricky said.

Now if something tragic happens offline with no way to let online know, that'd just be sad.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

This topic is a hard one for me. I'm sure I've unintentionally ceased talking to people in life for one reason or another. There's no malice in this, it just happens. Real life is my number one priority, always. Sometimes everything else has to take a back seat to that. I do make sure that people know that, though.

I think I've been ghosted a few times, however I didn't take it personally. It can be confusing if you let it get to you. I just prefer to rationalize the behavior as real life interruptions. Lit is a supplemental aspect of my life, not a main event.

If i were to die, I don't actually know if the memo would make it to lit. There are three litsters that could find my obituary if I passed, but whether that would happen is another story.

 

[JackMoz]

So are there good reasons for vanishing? Certainly, it can be an easier way to break off relationships for the one who vanishes. But what if you tried to end the relationship and the other person wouldn't let you? In real life, I had a friendship that the other person wanted to take to the next level. Unfortunately, she was already married and I didn't want to have an adulterous relationship with her, particularly since her husband was also a friend of mine. I tried to put some platonic barriers between us but she became physically and verbally aggressive. So I just unilaterally ended our friendship, and made sure to never see her without someone else present.

Perhaps in some cases, you have one person who thinks the online friendship is very close and tight, and the other person considers it casual. So the other person becomes disinterested in whatever forum or game or whatever the two met on, and quietly moves on, thinking nothing of it, because in their mind, it was all casual. Or one person wanted to keep the friendship casual, but the other person kept on trying to push it, and so the first person just vanished.

Just throwing that out there

 

[mickyp123]

Micky, that's really awful and would do my head in. I would hire someone to find out what happened if that were me. I'd drive myself mad googling for the rest of my days. I'm sorry that's happened for you.




I have three Litsters on Facebook, and one in my real life. I presume those three would find out from my husband/Facebook and no one else would really care so I wouldn't need/want some thread to happen here. The one in my real life better come to my fucking funeral though.

Thank you RS

 

[RedDeeDee]

So are there good reasons for vanishing? Certainly, it can be an easier way to break off relationships for the one who vanishes. But what if you tried to end the relationship and the other person wouldn't let you? In real life, I had a friendship that the other person wanted to take to the next level. Unfortunately, she was already married and I didn't want to have an adulterous relationship with her, particularly since her husband was also a friend of mine. I tried to put some platonic barriers between us but she became physically and verbally aggressive. So I just unilaterally ended our friendship, and made sure to never see her without someone else present.

Perhaps in some cases, you have one person who thinks the online friendship is very close and tight, and the other person considers it casual. So the other person becomes disinterested in whatever forum or game or whatever the two met on, and quietly moves on, thinking nothing of it, because in their mind, it was all casual. Or one person wanted to keep the friendship casual, but the other person kept on trying to push it, and so the first person just vanished.

Just throwing that out there

I can see the point that you're making, but I think the majority of people who disappear don't say anything because that's the easier path for themselves.

That being said, I'm sympathetic toward people who have been hurt by ghosters, but in the end, the only thing you can do is shrug it off and try to make sure you don't hurt others in the same way,

 

[clistenovena]

So are there good reasons for vanishing?

So I just unilaterally ended our friendship, and made sure to never see her without someone else present.

Or one person wanted to keep the friendship casual, but the other person kept on trying to push it, and so the first person just vanished.

Just throwing that out there

Good toss. I'll catch it.

From what you described, your offline contact knew what wss going on, so you didn't ghost her. As for your online scenarios, one is casual, ebb and flow. Contact will be the same. If it's not so casual and contact has been steady, but one wants it to end, just say so.

Now if crazy has crossed your path, I get wanting to disappear. That's a judgment call for the individual involved.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Dirtwench's wife showed great love and compassion for his life and to the members of Lit who he engaged with by coming on here to let us all know he passed. That was amazing. My heart still goes out to her.

 

[starrynightin64]

Ghosting happens to me a lot, even in real life not just on line. I think part is the soft tissue disease I deal with. Good days, bad days can turn into sleeping all day & up most of the night to just deal with the pain issues. BFG made me a thread on here to check in on so my friends can keep an eye out for me and then I don't kill a thread because it ticks off people when I catch up with someone. There are a few friends on here that call, email, text or Skype to make sure I'm ok. These days I'm dealing with new medical crap that no one cares about but me, and I'm never gonna be pushy enough to force my friendship on anyone.

Unless they are old friends, most people getting in touch just want me to fix a problem for them.

 

[beachbaby179]

I've recently been ghosted ... again by the same person. I get why, and almost expected a change in our relationship because of his circumstances, but it still hurts to not even get a goodbye. I cant help but see it as the coward's way out. Because the alternative, that I was just being manipulated and played with, is just too harsh for me to wrap my head around.

 

[Todger65]

I’ve been ghosted several times not so much here but from people who claim to be from here and message me on Kik or Skype, offer a couple of lines and after a single reply disappear.

I’ve had it happen from other forums I have used as well.

It’s a total pain in the arse and makes me feel sometimes why I even bother replying.

 

[jmarx20102012]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxq4xnoGMys

 

[Joe_Bob_Gautama]

Let's talk about online ghosting. (whoo000oooOOOO)


How do you define it?

Why do women do it? Why do men do it?

Who do you think does it more often?

Have you ever had someone 'go ghost' on you? How did you feel about it?

Have you ever gone ghost on someone else? Why? Did you ever regret it later?

What have you learned from your experiences with it?
But
Is ghosting ever the right thing to do?


Thank you for joining in the conversation.

I imagine ghosting more often happens to people who don’t observe conventional boundaries and get into ill-advised relationships. I was once ghosted in a most traumatizing way by a woman who told me she was leaving her husband, and whom I truly loved and trusted. I won’t go into the details, but what finally cured me of it was a psilocybin (“magic mushroom”) therapeutic session, which I would highly recommend to anyone who finds herself or himself in the same situation.

I can only guess, but my suspicion is that men go ghost because they lose interest and women have a change of heart or because they are afraid of the bad behavior men are capable of. Me, I don’t like to burn bridges, but sometimes I just
move or otherwise drift off. And when I do that, I regret it. Because it’s never the right thing to do when you have the possibility of experiencing so many more great things with someone. It’s only right if you have reason to think them unpleasant or threatening.

 

[Jada59]

So are there good reasons for vanishing? Certainly, it can be an easier way to break off relationships for the one who vanishes. But what if you tried to end the relationship and the other person wouldn't let you? In real life, I had a friendship that the other person wanted to take to the next level. Unfortunately, she was already married and I didn't want to have an adulterous relationship with her, particularly since her husband was also a friend of mine. I tried to put some platonic barriers between us but she became physically and verbally aggressive. So I just unilaterally ended our friendship, and made sure to never see her without someone else present.

Perhaps in some cases, you have one person who thinks the online friendship is very close and tight, and the other person considers it casual. So the other person becomes disinterested in whatever forum or game or whatever the two met on, and quietly moves on, thinking nothing of it, because in their mind, it was all casual. Or one person wanted to keep the friendship casual, but the other person kept on trying to push it, and so the first person just vanished.

Just throwing that out there

Yep. I had this same conversation with a guy who told me, "They just leave for no reason at all!" I told him there is always a reason. Maybe they tried to tell us but we weren't picking up on it.

Over the years, I have tried to tell some guys that it wasn't right, right from the start, or I tried to break it off after a few dates or conversations or, whatever. We were either just far too different, or I felt that I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship when apparently they were.

I would try every which way to tell them but instead of accepting it, they'd break down or beg me to give them another chance or say they'd change, or... Or... Or... No baby. You are what I see and that's not working for me! They just were unwilling to let me go. So I felt that I had no choice but to walk away.

Thing is... I'm not a hateful, spiteful person. I don't leave people because I am playing them or want to be mean to them. I want for everyone what is in their best and highest good. And that can't always be me. Or them.

 

[RomanticErotic]

I was ghosted recently and I was so sure for weeks that he must have actually died. There’s been no activity on his Tumblr which was the only way we communicated. I was just getting ready to insist on a second means, when he suddenly disappeared. 1.5 months ago.

Reading these posts makes me realize he did not die... I’ve just become a naive ghosting victim.

 

[LikeableMe]

Let's talk about online ghosting. (whoo000oooOOOO)


How do you define it?

Why do women do it? Why do men do it?

Who do you think does it more often?

Have you ever had someone 'go ghost' on you? How did you feel about it?

Have you ever gone ghost on someone else? Why? Did you ever regret it later?

What have you learned from your experiences with it?

Is ghosting ever the right thing to do?


Thank you for joining in the conversation.

I define it as people who suddenly cut off contact - become ghosts, so to speak. I don’t know why people do it, I think it’s fear of facing something in a lot of the situations I’ve faced.

I’ve been ghosted way too many times. Offline too. The biggest instance was a friend of over 20 years, who I supported through absolutely everything, suddenly cutting me off after my mum died. I get that people don’t know how to talk to you after such a big event - but come on - to let a friendship of that long just disappear? Not even a “sorry, I don’t know how to talk to you right now, but you’re in my thoughts”. She ignored texts and didn’t answer calls.

I’ve never ghosted anyone. If someone is stalking/being abusive or was never a friend or is harassing me, then yes I will ignore/block them. But I will talk to anyone I ever had a connection with. I would never act that way.

I felt absolutely devastated after every single incident of ghosting. It has left permanent scars. I don’t let anyone close now, form no attachments. It’s not ideal, and is very lonely, but it’s what I feel I have to do right now.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Reading through this thread makes me realize that there are a lot of super cold people on here, and also made me glad I've never become friends with some people because they view people far too casually for my comfort.
*shrugs*
If something were to happen to me, my daughter would notify my close friends. Indie is among those and she has her BFF jobs that go with that.

 

[KarenB59]

It's happened to me but not to the extent it's happened to others. I hadn't been chatting with him for years but it was daily. It ended without warning and I didn't see him on here. Months went by. I was questioning if he had just left Lit or had something happened to him. Almost a year went by and I happened to see where he had posted. Then I saw where he had been back off and on for a few months. Apparently he just didn't want to chat with me anymore.

 

[Girly_girl]

When I was in my early 20's I met this guy one night while out with some girlfriends, he had passed by my chair and smiled at me and kept turning around. At one point I saw him talking to my friend out on the dance floor and I figured he was into her, a little disappointed but hey it is what it is. She came back to the table and said that he was asking about me. He thought I was beautiful Shortly after that he came over and talked to me, we talked for hours. It was 2 days before Valentine's Day and he asked me for a date on Valentine's. We continued to talk the rest of the evening, then he got up and went to the dj and requested One in a Million You. He took my hand and led me into the dance floor, it was an instant connection between us. 2 days later on Valentine's Day he picked me up for our date and gave me 2 red roses and we went out to a local Italian restaurant, it was small and intimate. To this day it was by far the best date I'd ever been on. He was a single dad, in medical school and a full time job. Our intense little romance lasted about 2 months. He dropped me off after a date and asked if I wanted to come over the next day and just hang out, he wanted me to meet his son. He said I'll pick you up at work and I'll cook dinner for the 3 of us. I never heard from him again, until 6 months later I ran into him. He confronted me and apologized, said he regretted cutting off communication with me. In that short amount of time we had spent together he had fallen for me and he got scared. That was my only experience with being ghosted in real life.

 

[SoulAssasin247]

On this thread I see some very special people, who doesn't deserve the hand they were dealt. Then I see others, who after observing their character, I can see exactly why they were ghosted.

 

[ralf3456]

It is very sad reading the horrible experiences most people have suffered.

Yes, it has happened to me on Lit..****ice in fact, most recently last year. You invest so much into the relationship, and when you get 'ghosted' it really knocks the stuffing out of you. You end up thinking about all the conversations and interactions, just wondering what you did wrong.

I suppose online stuff, it is easy for people just to cut off communications and feel justified in doing it. Everything these days seem disposable. There isn't an excuse for real life though!

Hugs and lots of for everyone affected.

 

[SassySheDevil]

but it still hurts to not even get a goodbye. I cant help but see it as the coward's way out. Because the alternative, that I was just being manipulated and played with, is just too harsh for me to wrap my head around.

This.. ^^^^

 

[LikeableMe]

This.. ^^^^

I also agree strongly with that. I think the friend who let me go after my mum died was being a coward, and then it just got to the point where too much time had passed. As of now, I will be civil if she speaks to me, but I no longer consider her a friend. That was too big a betrayal to ever forgive. One guy who ghosted me I believe did so through fear. I know he felt helpless as I was about to become homeless, and I think that as someone who likes to be in control of everything, he couldn’t handle the lack of control - and off he went.

The latest incident I think is either fear or a misunderstanding, I don’t know.

I keep everyone at arms length now, both on and offline. It hurts, but it feels like what I need to do.