Learning your boundaries

[Vessira]

So I've known I've been mostly submissive for a long time. I've had a bit of experience here and there, but as I get older I'm realizing this is something that's more than just the occasional kink to me. I'd like to be able to explore more, test some of my boundaries, etc. The problem seems to be that so much of this requires trust. I don't currently have a stable partner that I'd be willing to put that trust in. In the last 6 months I've found myself involved with 2 men I wanted to explore with, but both were unable/unwilling to begin a serious and commited relationship. It took a little while of learning the hard way that the emotional bonding that occurs during these activities and the trust required just isn't right for me with people I can't get serious about. Have other people experienced this? Any words of wisdom? I generally don't have much luck when it comes to relationships, so am I just stuck waiting?

 

[catalina_francisco]

When I decided to commit to this lifestyle on a fulltime basis I had little practical experience, and what I did have was experienced more as kink in the vanilla pool. I didn't want a string of relationships partially because I had already had enough of one relationship after another, partially because I find it almost impossible to trust, and I did not want to become jaded by my experiences as I see so many others doing. That being said, I felt I wanted and needed to explore my boundaries a little at least to help me define exactly what I wanted in a life partner and not find my fantasies did not match well in reality. As you have found, that presents a dilemma as to how you can do that.

For me it meant I got to know Dominants through talking online etc., and had a good mentor who I could talk openly with and trust to give good advice and guidance. From there I met some I felt might be possible to trust as far as play went, and once I felt they were just that and they were willing, I placed myself in their hands to try out certain things, but not as a deeply committed Dom/sub relationship. The submission was only there during the time we played face to face, and was nothing like the depth I have in my now life committed relationship. It served to help me find my feet though, and discover my pain threshold and ability to commit to such a relationship permanently. So whiole the relationshi-ps were real in the sense they allowed for play and experimentation, they were not deep and serious, nor binding in the level of commitment. Perhaps you could try something similar.

Catalina

 

[gingermango]

It took a little while of learning the hard way that the emotional bonding that occurs during these activities and the trust required just isn't right for me with people I can't get serious about. Have other people experienced this?

Yes, I surely have. That's why, even as a long-time sub, I've only ever submitted to someone with whom I was in a committed relationship. Even lately as we consider adding another dominant to our scenes, we've decided that it can only occur with the Goddess' active participation, as I am too emotionally vulnerable when subbing to go it alone with someone with whom I have no emotional bond.