Laughter is Contagious

[ga400us]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, 'Where's my toast ?'

 

[ga400us]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

[ga400us]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

[ga400us]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

 

[ga400us]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 

[ga400us]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

 

[ga400us]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

[ga400us]

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.

 

[why_me884]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

So many good ones but I think I like this one best

 

[ga400us]

So many good ones but I think I like this one best

 

[ga400us]

The Essence Of Chutzpah

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, no other word, and no other language, can do it justice.


A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a dollar, but never take a pretzel.

This offering went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over 3 years. Without blinking an eye she said: "They're a dollar and a quarter now."

 

[ga400us]

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Dallas, Texas. She was trying to make a good impression on her first day, so she explained to her class that she is a Cowboy's fan.
She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Cowboy fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hands except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm NOT a Cowboys fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Cowboys fan,
then who do you support?"

"I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, would you explain
why are you a 49ers fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from San Francisco; my mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a Niner fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "That's no
reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your
dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a RAIDERS fan."

 

[ga400us]

Artificial Breast Implants

YouTube link, I think is is hysterical.

 

[ga400us]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks
him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my
place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting
down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding! I'm in Congress too.
What state are you from?"

 

[ga400us]

Predator Warning for Men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Alert every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

 

[ga400us]

My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called me from a motel.

 

[ga400us]

Infidelity

What are the three words you never want to hear when you're making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

--------------------------

I will not cheat on my wife. Because I love my house.

--------------------------

A guy goes home and finds his best friend in bed with his wife. He says, "Sam, I have to, but you?"

--------------------------

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

--------------------------

Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.

--------------------------

Don't keep him in the the doghouse too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

--------------------------

A man was complaining to his friend: "I had it all...money, a beautiful house, a nice car, the love of a beautiful woman...then poof! It was all gone."

"What happened?" asked the friend.

The first man replied, "My wife found out."

--------------------------

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

 

[smoothdevil]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Alert every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

 

[Artina Heartflash]

thanks for the laughs, GA400US They are so needed!


This one reminds me:

12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

I would hesitate to pick a guy if that clothing rack he hides in be ladies' intimate wear. First he would have to prove he looks good in the black thong.

 

[ga400us]

thanks for the laughs, GA400US They are so needed!


This one reminds me:

12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

I would hesitate to pick a guy if that clothing rack he hides in be ladies' intimate wear. First he would have to prove he looks good in the black thong.

You're welcome Artina.

LOL @ look good in a black thong. It has to be black? :snicker:

 

[why_me884]

Wife screams at her husband in the delivery room, "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
Husband replies, "I wanted to put it in your ass, and you said THAT would hurt!"

 

[why_me884]

Waking up, wrapping my hands around that nice hard treasure, putting my lips to it and feeling that warm wet liquid go down my throat...

Coffee you pervs!

 

[ga400us]

Standard Hospital pricing procedure

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."

SEND THIS TO A SMART Republican WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO ANY Democrat WHOM YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

 

[ga400us]

Waking up, wrapping my hands around that nice hard treasure, putting my lips to it and feeling that warm wet liquid go down my throat...

Coffee you pervs!

Damn...I'm such a perv

 

[ga400us]

How can you tell a guy really doesn't have much to offer?

His bride shows up at the wedding with a date.