Laughter is Contagious

[ga400us]

Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, GOD said,
“Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said,
“Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

GOD replied,
“Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
“God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

GOD replied:
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

 

[ga400us]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend...

"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

 

[ga400us]

Bad Day at Halmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

-----------------------------

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!



-----------------------------


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


-----------------------------

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'


-----------------------------

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.


-----------------------------

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

-----------------------------

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.


-----------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.


-----------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am..

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


-----------------------------

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


-----------------------------

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

-----------------------------

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


-----------------------------

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

-----------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?

-----------------------------

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

-----------------------------

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

-----------------------------

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


-----------------------------


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

 

[ga400us]

Prostate Exam Advice


After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said the man.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.


Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco.

 

[ga400us]

Prayer for 2012

Dear God,

My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN!

 

[smoothdevil]

Bob works hard driving his truck but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya' doin?'


---------------

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral is Tuesday.

ROTFLMAO

 

[ga400us]

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

 

[ga400us]

A woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of church services, when she was startled
by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables and yelled:
'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

Which says, “Repent and be Baptized, in the name
of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked
the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old
lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an
Ax and Two 38 Pistols!'

 

[ga400us]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

[ga400us]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[ga400us]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[ga400us]

One afternoon a Lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men Along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one Man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to Eat grass."

"Well, then,you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
The lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
There, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us,
Also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also
Have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
Car as large as the limousine was.

Once under Way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
Said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you .

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high."

C'mon, you didn't really think there was any such thing as a "heart-warming lawyer story" did you?

 

[smoothdevil]

One afternoon a Lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men Along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one Man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to Eat grass."

----------------------------------

"The grass is almost a foot high."

C'mon, you didn't really think there was any such thing as a "heart-warming lawyer story" did you?

ROTFLMAO

 

[ga400us]

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG:

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who bit six people wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, and three flag burners.

FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

 

[ga400us]

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.


Woody Allen

 

[why_me884]

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG:

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who bit six people wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, and three flag burners.

FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

Love it! All the others as well!

 

[ga400us]

Love it! All the others as well!

Thank you

 

[why_me884]

http://claydoh.com/uploads/extgallery/public-photo/medium/toybox_1_81e0b.jpg

Borrowed from "Funny signs" thread

 

[ga400us]

http://claydoh.com/uploads/extgallery/public-photo/medium/toybox_1_81e0b.jpg

Borrowed from "Funny signs" thread

Borrow away!

I guess not everyone gets to sit in Santa's lap.

 

[why_me884]

Only the good girls!

 

[ga400us]

Only the good girls!

So, you're a good girl then!

 

[ga400us]

Christmas Lights

Hi Sweetheart,

I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.

I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.

I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.

All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.

Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!

I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to go to the Y to workout.

Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.

I'll be home later.

Love you..

 

[smoothdevil]

LEXOPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THIS TOGETHER LOVES LANGUAGE:

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

[ga400us]

OK, this was cool.

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a super brain:

I’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers…

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

Easy as cake.

 

[ga400us]

LEXOPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THIS TOGETHER LOVES LANGUAGE:

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Those are good!