Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

Communication

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

 

[smotherman]

Caught Speeding:

A driver is pulled over by a policeman:

Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

 

[smoothdevil]

Hen Service

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:
"I have just therooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk."Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

 

[smoothdevil]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."

" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
deaf."

 

[PeteHulbert37]

Walmart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4tczHLDovg&feature=related

 

[smoothdevil]

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder.......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

 

[blondedreamz]

I work in a Courthouse. It was summer and I wore one of those floaty, lighter than air skirts. I needed to use the restroom which is one floor down and a couple of hallways are used to get there.

When I was done, I was coming back to my office and had to wait as people were coming down from court and blocking my entrance. I received several long stares from some of the men.

When I finally got into the office, my co-worker who sits in back of me says "Did you know your skirt is tucked into your pantyhose!"

I could have died right on the spot.

 

[ga400us]

There are some great ones in here the past few posts!

 

[ga400us]

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are phrases or sentences that lead us down the garden path to an unexpected ending. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian
-- Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

[smoothdevil]

Paraprosdokians are phrases or sentences that lead us down the garden path to an unexpected ending. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian
-- Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.



25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

greaaaaaaaaaaaaat

 

[ga400us]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"


No need to thank me, try to learn something new every day.

 

[ga400us]

Office & Truck Signs


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

At an Opticians Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

[ga400us]

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

*

"Would all married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."

*

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

[fathom7]

Old but -- well -- timely

This is so TERRIBLY old but it is the right season and == well I just had to get it out of my mind -- please indulge me:

Bill Clinton has just been inaugurated for the first time and he is in the White House looking out over the snow-covered lawn. Suddenly he sees something that shocks him. Written in YELLOW in the snow (slightly indented into the snow too) are the words:

CLINTON SUCKS


Well he immediately calls in the Secret Service and has them investigate the matter. A day later the Secret Service returns and provides President Clinton the report:

Secret Service Agent: "I have some bad news and some worse news Mr. President."

President Clinton: "What? All right -- give it to me I can take it. Bad news first."

SSA: "We identified the urine from DNA analysis -- unfortunately it is Vice-President Gore's."

PClinton: "Oh MY GOD! That's terrible. What could be worse news than that?"

SSA: "Well Mr. President -- it's Hillary's handwriting."

 

[smotherman]

:LotteryWinner:

A man came home one day and said to his wife: "Honey, what would you do if I said I'd won the lottery?"

She sneered: "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Excellent," he replied. "I hit 3 numbers and won $10. Here's $5, pack your bags and get out."

 

[smoothdevil]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

[ I would have given him 100% just for the laughs!]

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page.

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant with one Hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall was already built by the other eight guys.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

[smoothdevil]

I'm still waiting....

I did what you told me... I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle or windfall of money to happen!!

To all my friends who in the last year sent me
best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters
or other promises of miracles and good luck if I forwarded something...
do not send me anymore!!

NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!

For 2012 please just send money,
chocolate or gasoline vouchers - thank you!

 

[smoothdevil]

ANDY ROONEY'S THOUGHTS ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

 

[smotherman]

:A Cowboy:

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die, but we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!

P-O-S-S-E!"

 

[ga400us]

...The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!

P-O-S-S-E!"

ROFLMFAO

 

[ga400us]

Brilliant!

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

[ I would have given him 100% just for the laughs!]

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page.

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant with one Hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall was already built by the other eight guys.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

[ga400us]

SSA: "Well Mr. President -- it's Hillary's handwriting."

Classic!

 

[ga400us]

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

Love this thread......loved this page.....

 

[smoothdevil]

New Mexico Chili Cook-off.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in or visited New Mexico, you know about their famous Chili Cook-off. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans ) that the chili would not be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI# 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato...an amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your drive-way. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Every-one knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT.....just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. The heck with it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.k

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.