techsan
...just chugging along
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Laughter is Contagious
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Jail
Mrs. Flameman
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There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN
Show up naked ..... and bring beer.
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN
Show up naked ..... and bring beer.
KnightWing
Trouble...
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2001
- Posts
- 17,018
Jail said:HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN
Show up naked ..... and bring beer.
And you wonder why we are always tired?????
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
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techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off.
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
10:00 A.M.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in
for that.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off.
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
10:00 A.M.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in
for that.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Lil Johnny
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
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copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
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- Aug 21, 2004
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- 8,770
Good evening everybody! Just fluttered in to say hello! 
and to leave a funny!
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"
and to leave a funny! Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
Follow the directions it is Funny enough for a chuckle
Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
Febuary--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over
Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a mexican
6-------a gangter
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------chuck norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy
Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White------because im cool like that
Black------- because thats how i roll.
Pink--------because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red---------Because the voices told me to.
Blue--------Because im sexy and i do what i want
Green------Because I hate myself.
Purple------Because Im cool.
Gray--------Because i was drunk
Yellow------Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange----Because i hate my family.
Brown-----Because i was high.
Other-------Because i'm a ninja.
none------Because i cant control myself
Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
Febuary--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over
Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a mexican
6-------a gangter
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------chuck norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy
Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White------because im cool like that
Black------- because thats how i roll.
Pink--------because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red---------Because the voices told me to.
Blue--------Because im sexy and i do what i want
Green------Because I hate myself.
Purple------Because Im cool.
Gray--------Because i was drunk
Yellow------Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange----Because i hate my family.
Brown-----Because i was high.
Other-------Because i'm a ninja.
none------Because i cant control myself
MrFantasyMan
Just Me...Poetry & Prose
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2005
- Posts
- 14,134
rozezwild said:
I danced with Chuck Norris because I cant control myself?...
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
MrFantasyMan
Just Me...Poetry & Prose
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2005
- Posts
- 14,134
rozezwild said:
says something about us...
...lmao
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Hey, folks! Off the subject of this thread for a moment, wally and I both are looking for some information from you knowledgeable users (I think you know that includes all of you!)
We're both using Norton antivirus and firewall but we're thinking ab out dumping them. Not sure what issues wally has but I've experienced some problems with Norton letting me get to a very important site - my son's blog!
We're looking for freeware, if possible and wondered what recommendations you might make for any of the stuff out there. If you'd take a few minutes to tell us about your software and your experiences with it, we would appreciate your help.
Wally, anything to add to this request?
We're both using Norton antivirus and firewall but we're thinking ab out dumping them. Not sure what issues wally has but I've experienced some problems with Norton letting me get to a very important site - my son's blog!
We're looking for freeware, if possible and wondered what recommendations you might make for any of the stuff out there. If you'd take a few minutes to tell us about your software and your experiences with it, we would appreciate your help.
Wally, anything to add to this request?
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Good afternoon everybody! It's kinda weird to be here during the day! I don't get to do this very often! Techsan, my ex is using something...he dumped Norton. I'll see if I can find out what he's using now. In the meantime...I'm not sure if I posted this or not! This getting old thing really sucks! I can't remember anything!
So I figure if I posted this already...some of you in my age range (old) won't remember reading it!
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it, I was greeted with, "Is this Karl Brummer?"
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said, (off to the side), "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and samples from those blood smears." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call, and he would be receiving a summons to testify.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and two uniformed police officers were entering the building to escort him in for questioning. At that point I heard the phone fall and scurrying sounds as he ran away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
So I figure if I posted this already...some of you in my age range (old) won't remember reading it!
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it, I was greeted with, "Is this Karl Brummer?"
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said, (off to the side), "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and samples from those blood smears." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call, and he would be receiving a summons to testify.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and two uniformed police officers were entering the building to escort him in for questioning. At that point I heard the phone fall and scurrying sounds as he ran away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
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