Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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Funnies
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A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young
guide led them through a process of cheese making,
explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the
group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked,
"What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus
tours, or make us go play Bingo."
=========
Jack and Jill were parked one dark summer night in
Lovers Lane, when all of a sudden Jill said, "Oh,
don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"
Jack replied, "Go right ahead...I've got my hand on
the piece I want!"
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A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young
guide led them through a process of cheese making,
explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the
group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked,
"What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus
tours, or make us go play Bingo."
=========
Jack and Jill were parked one dark summer night in
Lovers Lane, when all of a sudden Jill said, "Oh,
don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"
Jack replied, "Go right ahead...I've got my hand on
the piece I want!"
limiwa
Something new every day
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- Apr 25, 2005
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- 9,851
What a woman finds attractive... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!!!!! ;o)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with masculine, rugged features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and tape over his mouth while he is on fire. No further studies expected.
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with masculine, rugged features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and tape over his mouth while he is on fire. No further studies expected.
techsan
...just chugging along
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techsan
...just chugging along
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copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
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Hello all! Late again tonight! And on my way to bed... but I thought you might enjoy this one!!!! 
Techsan...I know you'll like this!
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!"
For a moment everyone was silent. Then the snickers started.
The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!"
Techsan...I know you'll like this! A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!"
For a moment everyone was silent. Then the snickers started.
The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!"
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
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- Dec 2, 2005
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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!copperbutterfly said:Hello all! Late again tonight! And on my way to bed... but I thought you might enjoy this one!!!!
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!"
For a moment everyone was silent. Then the snickers started.
The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!"
Macdaddy23
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 3, 2005
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A theif was trying to break into a store, climbs on the roof and falls through. So he's locked in and the camera's get him. Police come and take him to jail.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
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LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!copperbutterfly said:Hello all! Late again tonight! And on my way to bed... but I thought you might enjoy this one!!!!
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!"
For a moment everyone was silent. Then the snickers started.
The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!"
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 10, 2006
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Break up
Why we broke up:
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking it.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up and I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't?
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
Why we broke up:
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking it.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up and I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't?
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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Osama
OSAMA & THE GENIE
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osaman Bin Laden found a beautiful ornate Bottle and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
OSAMA & THE GENIE
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osaman Bin Laden found a beautiful ornate Bottle and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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Love Something
couldn't get it to work...sorry
couldn't get it to work...sorry
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 10, 2006
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says....................
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
SOMETIMES B.S. AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME.
The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says....................
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
SOMETIMES B.S. AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME.
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 10, 2006
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Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why do you have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why do you have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 10, 2006
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This isn't a joke....a friend sent me this website and it is just so amazing that I have to share it....
Lego Church (the detail is tremendous!)
www.amyhughes.org/lego/church
Lego Church (the detail is tremendous!)
www.amyhughes.org/lego/church
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 10, 2006
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- 848
techsan said:
LOL....my granddad always told me they shoud send a bunch of women when they are menopausal and tell them the other side has all their chocolate....those guys wouldn't stand a chance!
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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techsan said:
It's a picture, but I can't get it to load up...well that's not entirely true....I can't get into the message window using the icon. If I go down to manage attachments, I can get it to load there, but it doesn't show up on the message when I post.
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