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Laughter is Contagious

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limiwa said:
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging
violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,

"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across
in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed,

"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able
to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Click to expand...
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
 
limiwa said:
OMG, I know several couples just like this one!

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Click to expand...
I could see this one coming a mile away ... I must be a redneck...LMAO
 
limiwa said:
Ah...the literate man

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f*cking Funeral Director would be my guess"
Click to expand...
ROFL ... uh, huh, but the question remains ... what method will she use to kill him???
 
limiwa said:
Maybe the wrong place to post, but what the heck.

Three Good Thoughts-Ain't it the truth!

(1) Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

(2) Our Constitution "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years.. And, we're not using it anymore."


(3) Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .. It creates a hostile work environment
Click to expand...
Lots of good truths here.
 
oldie but goodie

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.

I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!
 
limiwa said:
Zen Wisdom

...
20 - Experience is something you don't get until right after you needed it.

21 - Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Click to expand...
LMAO!
 
limiwa said:
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.

I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!
Click to expand...
http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f258/bunyaspliff/rofl.gif
 
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at
TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate
ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:

God is like..
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like...
a FORD
He's got a better idea.

God is like...
COKE
He's the real thing.

(This is great)

God is like...
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like...
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like...
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like...
SEARS
He has everything.

God is like...
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him

God is like...
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

God is like...
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like...
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like...VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like...
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

(that one is my favorite)

God is like.... the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
 
limiwa said:
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at
TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate
ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:

God is like..
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like...
a FORD
He's got a better idea.

God is like...
COKE
He's the real thing.

(This is great)

God is like...
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like...
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like...
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like...
SEARS
He has everything.

God is like...
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him

God is like...
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

God is like...
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like...
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like...VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like...
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

(that one is my favorite)

God is like.... the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
Click to expand...


I've seen these before, but they still hold so much meaning......
 
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
 
limiwa said:
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
Click to expand...
LMAO!!!!! I love it!
 
limiwa said:
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging
violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,

"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across
in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed,

"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able
to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Click to expand...

Brava :nana:
 
limiwa said:
Ah...the literate man

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f*cking Funeral Director would be my guess"
Click to expand...


Snort -- that is what he would get from me ;)
 
limiwa said:
The marine's train ride

The train was quite crowded, so the tired US Marine walked the train's length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "You Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also terribly arrogant!"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown The wrong bitch out the window."
Click to expand...


*COUGH COUGH* omg did he really say that?? :D
 
limiwa said:
Snoring Solution

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

The other guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn.

In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said,"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat & watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly ex-football player; a man's man The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed, with a cheerful "Good Morning!" They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight..... He sat up and watched me all night."
Click to expand...

OH yeah -- he rocks :catroar:
 
limiwa said:
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of A new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be Dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the Following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don 't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday .
Click to expand...

What about Michigan??? ;)
 
limiwa said:
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.

I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!
Click to expand...


OH hell serves her fucking right :rolleyes:
 
limiwa said:
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
...
and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!
Click to expand...
LMAO!!! Kids - ya just can't trust 'em!!!
 
From limiwa ...

Sometimes a name change is the best idea...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs01.jpg

How do you get there from here? ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs03.jpg

Everything you need for your "shotgun" wedding!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs04.jpg

Major dilemma in California.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs02.jpg

It's a good deal, but... oh, the college costs!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs05.jpg
 
From limiwa ...

McLogic gone wrong ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs06.jpg

Pork the one you love? Think this sign might have used a little more planning?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs07.jpg

Surprise! They are STILL dead!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs08.jpg

Lost something in the translation ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs09.jpg

Beware cows cliff diving ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs10.jpg
 
From limiwa ...

Well, he didn't say what to change it to...!?!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs11.jpg

Why not? Nobody else wants to be around 'em!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs12.jpg

Say what???
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs13.jpg

Let's see ... I'm illiterate but I can write ... who is illiterate?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs14.jpg

Of course it is! What else would it be?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Signs15.jpg
 
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