Laughter is Contagious

[copperbutterfly]

WAX is Not your Friend"

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.


I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
Grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
Could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now that's funny ........
Notttttttttt.

OMG!!!! Who writes this stuff....I can't see....all the mascara has run down into my eyes....nose is running...and I can't stop laughing!!!! Tummy hurts so bad....I'll be in bad shape tomorrow!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Redneck...

 

[pleaz_me]

More Redneck...

 

[Macdaddy23]

No telling where that plunger had been LOL

 

[techsan]

More Redneck...

Laughing so hard ... splain the rules of that sex ed thingy, willya...sumthin bout "hitting the hole" I guess...glad I don't haveta us a plunger betweeen my legs...lmaooooooooooooooooooo

 

[pleaz_me]

Laughing so hard ... splain the rules of that sex ed thingy, willya...sumthin bout "hitting the hole" I guess...glad I don't haveta us a plunger betweeen my legs...lmaooooooooooooooooooo

Woo Hoo! Could you imagine the splinters on the wooden handle?

 

[techsan]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.


(I can think of worse things than being a gynecologist!)

 

[pleaz_me]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.


(I can think of worse things than being a gynecologist!)

ROFLMAO!!!!!

 

[Sloppykitten]

A Man Who Knows His Math

A Man who knows his Math:


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to have to drive on the shoulder
to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung
his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger...."Man, that guy is
stupid," I thought to myself.

I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day of
these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper
is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That
works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars that I pass everyday.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In
any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS that's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as
their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons
and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give HER the finger? .... I don't think so.

 

[techsan]

A Man who knows his Math:
...
Give HER the finger? .... I don't think so.

ROTFLMAO ... that is so true! Now if I can just remember to be nicer to people that piss me off, I might live longer...lol

 

[Sloppykitten]

ROTFLMAO ... that is so true! Now if I can just remember to be nicer to people that piss me off, I might live longer...lol

LOL...yes, that would help a little

I just about died when I got to the end of this...I thought to myself NOW there's a SMART man! LOL

 

[wally2450]

When you are down and out...

:d :d

 

[BlackWolf65]

AAADD (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)

This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, an d I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water there is still only one check in my check book I can't find the remote I can't find my glasses I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Or who sent it to me.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

 

[techsan]

Anti-War Hostages Air-Dropped Back into Iraq

The British military announced today that they had air-dropped former hostages Norman Kembler, James Loony and Harmeet Singh Sooden into the Iraqi desert, just a week after their rescue from a house west of Baghdad. The men had been held by insurgents for four months.

Since their release, the three men, all from a Christian Peacemaker team, have spoken with deep admiration and respect for their captors, while not offering any degree of gratitude to the British commandos who risked their lives to save them.

"We realize now that we made a huge mistake," said Captain Ian Coates of the
British Army, "and it was time to return these men to the people they love and respect."

Coates wistfully related the story of how the former hostages were told of the decision to reunite them with their brethren in Iraq.

"To keep it a surprise, we used our commandos to gather the men in the middle of the night," he said. "They were so surprised and excited that we needed to duct tape their mouths and tie them up. But there was no doubt that they were overjoyed to be returning to Iraq. Their eyes were as big as saucers, and Kembler even wet his jammies in excitement!"

The men were whisked by military jet back to a British Military base in Kuwait, and flown by helicopter into Iraq at dawn. Captain Coates struggled to keep his composure as he described the reunion.

"The air drop was a remarkable moment, something I was honored to see," he
said. "The men were writhing around, screaming and crying with joy. There wasn't a dry eye in the helicopter as we rolled them out."

The British Military was concerned that the men would not be picked up quickly, leaving them to wander in the dessert. So each man was given a bright red parachute emblazoned with one of the famed Danish Mohammed cartoons.

"The cartoons really did the trick," said Captain Coates. "As they drifted downward, you could see the insurgents gathering to welcome them. Some had
even set fires to help guide them as they landed. We could hear the chants
of welcome even over the whir of the rotors. Did you ever see Born Free? It
was like that, but better."

Coates would not comment on reports that the three men were all wearing
"Jesus Rules, Mohammed Drools" T-Shirts.

 

[techsan]

Why Parents Go Insane


A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper:

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.


Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

 

[techsan]

**7 reasons not to mess with children.**

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

[copperbutterfly]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.


(I can think of worse things than being a gynecologist!)

Me too! A proctologist for one!!!!!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Finally somebody sent me something funny!!!!!

pleaz_me you are gonna love this one!

 

[rozezwild]

Finally somebody sent me something funny!!!!!

pleaz_me you are gonna love this one!

OH FUCKING hell i love in the Hills and i aint never seeneded that one

 

[pleaz_me]

:d :d

Lol.....seems that way, doesn't it?

 

[techsan]

Finally somebody sent me something funny!!!!!

pleaz_me you are gonna love this one!

That is a lot of shelter...LMAO ... my in-laws used to have one in their back yard that she went to every time the skies darkened. I hated it but think I'd trust it more than this. I remember sitting on the veranda during a rain storm while she stewed in the storm cellar ... she was sure I'd be blown away ... LOL little did she know...

 

[pleaz_me]

**7 reasons not to mess with children.**

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

ROFLMAO! Out of the mouths of babes!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Finally somebody sent me something funny!!!!!

pleaz_me you are gonna love this one!

This is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I NEED one of those!

 

[kayte]

Getting Ready For A Night Out


A couple was all dressed up and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on the nightlight and the answering machine, covered the parakeet, put the cat in the backyard, phoned the local cab company and ordered a taxi.


When the taxi arrived, they left through the front door, and their cat slipped back inside the house! They didn't want to leave the cat inside, so the wife got in the taxi while the husband went inside to put the cat out again.


Not wanting the driver to know that their home will be empty all evening, she told the driver, "my husband will be out soon; he just went upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."


When the husband entered the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long. The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


At that point that the cab driver hit a parked car ...

 

[pleaz_me]

Getting Ready For A Night Out


A couple was all dressed up and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on the nightlight and the answering machine, covered the parakeet, put the cat in the backyard, phoned the local cab company and ordered a taxi.


When the taxi arrived, they left through the front door, and their cat slipped back inside the house! They didn't want to leave the cat inside, so the wife got in the taxi while the husband went inside to put the cat out again.


Not wanting the driver to know that their home will be empty all evening, she told the driver, "my husband will be out soon; he just went upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."


When the husband entered the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long. The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


At that point that the cab driver hit a parked car ...

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​