techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
worked every time for me ... not sure how but it is funkayte said:
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
Techsan, thanks for telling me about your thread. I have been enjoying my way through it for days now, and finally I contribute ~
Random's Wife [Ms R8]
One night this guy and his new girlfriend are about to go into his
apartment for the first time. Before he can open his door, his girlfriend
says, "Wait a minute, I want to see you unlock the door. I can tell how a
man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
"Give me some examples," the guy replies.
"Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then
that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles
around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
"I see," the guy says.
"So..." she replies coyly, "how do you unlock your door?"
"Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
Random's Wife [Ms R8]
One night this guy and his new girlfriend are about to go into his
apartment for the first time. Before he can open his door, his girlfriend
says, "Wait a minute, I want to see you unlock the door. I can tell how a
man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
"Give me some examples," the guy replies.
"Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then
that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles
around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
"I see," the guy says.
"So..." she replies coyly, "how do you unlock your door?"
"Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
Mr Duncan 001
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 10, 2005
- Posts
- 1,574
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Vanilla Pudding....
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2....
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight , their efforts at disabling the
security system got underway immediately.... The robbers, who expected
to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised
to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank....
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only
a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape
system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers
opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla
pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened....
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding....
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach....
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING....
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Thank you, Shreik
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2....
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight , their efforts at disabling the
security system got underway immediately.... The robbers, who expected
to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised
to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank....
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only
a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape
system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers
opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla
pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened....
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding....
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach....
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING....
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Thank you, Shreik
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour!
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who paid to figure that out? Most Likely The American Taxpayer!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour!
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who paid to figure that out? Most Likely The American Taxpayer!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour!
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who paid to figure that out? Most Likely The American Taxpayer!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour!
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who paid to figure that out? Most Likely The American Taxpayer!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Mr Duncan 001
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 10, 2005
- Posts
- 1,574
Well maybe we can car pool. Or would it be horse pool?pleaz_me said:LOL! That's all the GAS power *I* can afford!
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
kayte said:
AHHHHHHHHHHHH hows it do it??
like 4 times right---shivers--
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
WAX is Not your Friend"
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
Play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my Mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
You just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel Them Apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you
pull the Hair Right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
Other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold
wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next
wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini
line,covering the Right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to
the inside of my butt Cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
Caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the Glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
The hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I
know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
Torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
Secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
-
"So, My butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
Removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly Where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.
It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
Grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
Could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now that's funny ........
Notttttttttt.
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
Play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my Mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
You just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel Them Apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you
pull the Hair Right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
Other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold
wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next
wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini
line,covering the Right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to
the inside of my butt Cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
Caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the Glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
The hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I
know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
Torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
Secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
-
"So, My butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
Removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly Where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.
It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
Grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
Could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now that's funny ........
Notttttttttt.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Headlines from the year 2029!
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
- Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- Osama Jr. still at large.
- France pleads for global help after being taken over by Algeria.
- Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 036.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
- Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
- Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- Osama Jr. still at large.
- France pleads for global help after being taken over by Algeria.
- Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 036.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
- Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
random8 said:
I think this is the guy!!!!!! LMAO...what a wonderful contribution!
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Jail said:
LMAOROFF.......Jail that was....tooo funny!
- Status
