Laughter is Contagious

[gimo33]

During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of

the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells

him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his

mother died."

"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey,

ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.

A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell

Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another

good recruit.

"Yes Sir!" Black answers.

This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers

take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"

 

[techsan]

Did you know that ...

at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date was 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again. Bet you just slept through it, didn't ya?

 

[Lonely Knight]

Did you know that ...

at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date was 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again. Bet you just slept through it, didn't ya?

Ummm, come June we will have: 06:06:06 06/06/06 That should be a fun day.

Oh, and then down the road will be 02:03:04 05/06/07.

 

[techsan]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he stomped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason that I've never heard before why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, you have a nice day."

 

[techsan]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

 

[techsan]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

[rozezwild]

Bad day at work

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station
103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a "worst job
experience" contest.

Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.

"Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the
sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it
down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take
the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

"The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick
to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator.

"His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the
dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin my chamber dry decompress! ion.&nb sp; When I arrived at the
surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of
the
water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a
tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the
chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days
because my
butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think
about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
butt.

"Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

"And whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad"
day?"

 

[rozezwild]

Getting a Fax

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly Were Sitting
Naked In A Sauna.
Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound.
The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked
At Her Questioningly. That Was My Pager," She Said. "i Have A
Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."
A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her Palm
To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile
Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."
The Hillbilly Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be Outdone; She
Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of
The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of
Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows
And Stared At Her. The Hillbilly Woman Finally Said, "well, Will You
Look At That - I'm Gettin' A Fax."

 

[techsan]

From rozezwild ...

This is a picture of a public toilet in Houston.

First an outside view, then an inside view..

It's made entirely of one-way glass! No one can see you from the outside, but when you are inside it's like sitting in a clear glass box!

Now would you... COULD YOU... use it?!

 

[Archangel_5607]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

*laughs my ass off*......*picks up mah ass*
oh that is priceless!!! *bows down n' shit*

 

[Archangel_5607]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

lol, good one, i heard a variation, that says the woman wanted to be beaten half to death

 

[Archangel_5607]

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly Were Sitting
Naked In A Sauna.
Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound.
The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked
At Her Questioningly. That Was My Pager," She Said. "i Have A
Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."
A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her Palm
To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile
Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."
The Hillbilly Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be Outdone; She
Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of
The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of
Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows
And Stared At Her. The Hillbilly Woman Finally Said, "well, Will You
Look At That - I'm Gettin' A Fax."

*spews pepsi* oh wait thats your line!!

 

[rozezwild]

*spews pepsi* oh wait thats your line!!

*yes it is bully*

 

[Kowboy]

Do you like to laugh at real life ... or at least smile frequently? Since my sex life is not nearly as satisfying as I'd like (even throwing in the benefits of Literotica and a few other sites), I find laughter to be a great way to help get through the days.

I'd like to know what makes you laugh (or at least smile) when you haven't got sex on your mind. There are all kinds of things out there, from jokes to funny pictures to whatever tickles your fancy.

This thread is great! Thank you for starting it.

 

[wally2450]

Sharing Thoughts at the Office

:d :d

 

[wally2450]

Tit Monday

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

 

[techsan]

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your
...
horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

ROFL...wally, somehow that doesn't sound like a guy from Indiana...LMAO

 

[rozezwild]

Golfing with the wife!

Golfing with the Wife!
The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman!
Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
" For the sake of decency, here's 50 Pounds . Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 Pounds Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jasus, Maggie! Where are yer drawers?"
She too explains,
"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.
Tidy yerself up a bit".

 

[rozezwild]

True story

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Are any of those people in your
house?" He said, "No." Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an
officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now 'cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and
an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the
police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"

True Story -- Don't you LOVE IT!!

 

[rozezwild]

Makin Love

The Italian says,

"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife,

I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,

she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."



The Frenchman replies.

zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss
all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah
tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."



The redneck says,

"That aint nothing.

When I've finished porkin the ole lady,

I git out of bed, walk over to the winder

and wipe my weener on the curtains.

She hits the freakin' ceiling."

 

[techsan]

Golfing with the Wife!
The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman!
...
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.
Tidy yerself up a bit".

ROTFLMAO

Nothing like being frugal!

 

[techsan]

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Are any of those people in your
house?" He said, "No." Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an
officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now 'cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and
an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the
police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"

True Story -- Don't you LOVE IT!!

ROTFLMAO

One good lie deserves another!

 

[gimo33]

Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big Y on her chest.
The doctor asks, " Why do you have a big Y on your chest?"

She replys, " Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big H on her chest.

Agian, the doctor asks, " How did you get a big H on your chest?" The woman replys " My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large M.

He says, " Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"

" NO" replys the patient " But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

 

[techsan]

The Italian says,

"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife,

....

and wipe my weener on the curtains.

She hits the freakin' ceiling."

ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO

 

[gimo33]

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Are any of those people in your
house?" He said, "No." Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an
officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now 'cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and
an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the
police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"

True Story -- Don't you LOVE IT!!

ROTFLMAO