Laughter is Contagious

[Jail]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

 

[rozezwild]

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Oh fucking hell --------- ball holders

 

[Jail]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

 

[Jail]

Just for you (((((((((((((((((((((techie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

 

[rozezwild]

A man walks into a public men's room, his arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?" The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants. Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed but does as he is asked. Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that" the first man says, blowing on his fingers, "I think my nails are dry now."

Can we say OMG

 

[rozezwild]

-- one day this pregnant women was walking through a shopping center, as she walked passed the bank a robber came out and bumped into her, then shot her 3 times in the stomach. She made it to the hospital and the doctor told her that everything was fine and that the only complication was that each of her triplets would have a bullet in their butt! -- She thought "thats ok" -- So she has all 3 kids successfully, and 15 years goes by. One day the mother is sitting on the couch watching her favorite soap when the first daughter came running out of the bathroom -"mommy mommy" she cried "I just peed and a bullet came out" -Her mother looked at her calmly and said "Its ok, its supposed to happen" - so the daughter thought nothing of it. 10 minutes later the second daughter came running out of the bathroom,"mommy mommmy", she screamed "I just peed and a bullet came out" - her mother looked at her at replied "Its ok, its supposed to happen" - ok she thought, she went back to what she was doing. -10 minutes later the son came running out his bedroom screaming "mommy mommy!" the mother looks at him and says "let me guess, you peed and a bullet came out?" "NO!" the son replies, "I was jerking off and I SHOT THE DOG!!!

I freaking snorted

 

[pleaz_me]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

*Ouch*

 

[rozezwild]

Father Murphy walks into a bar in Chicago, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said; "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to Jimmy and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? Jimmy said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" Jimmy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


good mornin' guys.

Holy freaking shit -- you always make me roll

 

[Jail]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

 

[techsan]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

LMFAO!

 

[Jail]

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

 

[Jail]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[techsan]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooouuuuuccccccccchhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

 

[Jail]

http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/signs/Trust_Bush.jpg

 

[pleaz_me]

http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/signs/Trust_Bush.jpg

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

[techsan]

Just for you (((((((((((((((((((((techie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

ROFL!

 

[techsan]

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

lmaooooo

 

[techsan]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Oh, stop, Stop, STOP!!! Give me time to breathe...lol

 

[techsan]

50th Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said:"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. "So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

"Mission accomplished."

 

[pleaz_me]

50th Anniversary

.....................
"Mission accomplished."

LOL!!!! Hat's off to him for remembering but he shoulda stopped while he was ahead!

 

[techsan]

What it takes to be a Wal-Mart Greeter:

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. " And now you sir?" he asked the second man

"Hmm.! .. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain," said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but.... before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!

 

[techsan]

International symbol of marriage is Approved

After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights has approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:

 

[Jail]

International symbol of marriage is Approved

After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights has approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[Jail]

http://www.funnysigns.net/pictures/60s.jpg

 

[Jail]

http://www.speedpro.com/Funny-Dog-Sign.jpg