Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

SPEW ALERT
...
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k

LMAO! Oh, how I wish I could get some of those sweet young nurses to do that for me...!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

~ It's Hell To Get Old ~


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George,
everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with
God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have
poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the
night to go to
the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done,
poof! the light
goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's
wife. "Ethel,"
he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you
because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he
gets up during the
night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and
when he's done,
poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

 

[techsan]

Yesssss it's a tech-nic....

OMG ... Glad I forgot the flatware!

 

[techsan]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
...

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."

I hate to say that is appropos ... BUT IT IS!!!

 

[techsan]

~ It's Hell To Get Old ~


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George,
everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with
God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have
poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the
night to go to
the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done,
poof! the light
goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's
wife. "Ethel,"
he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you
because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he
gets up during the
night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and
when he's done,
poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

ROTFLMAO!
ROTFLMAO!

 

[techsan]

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast.

 

[pleaz_me]

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast.

Oh, I just got funny looks from the boss again when I started cracking up!

Toooooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[techsan]

Oh, I just got funny looks from the boss again when I started cracking up!

Toooooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Careful...we might have to try that Hind Lick Maneuver again...lol

 

[pleaz_me]

Careful...we might have to try that Hind Lick Maneuver again...lol

 

[techsan]

Weellllll.......does you desk have a place I can crawl under and hide in? Might not be conducive to the hind lick maneuver but maybe something else...?!?!?!?!

 

[pleaz_me]

Weellllll.......does you desk have a place I can crawl under and hide in? Might not be conducive to the hind lick maneuver but maybe something else...?!?!?!?!

Oh, lots and lots of room under my desk dear......crawl right under

 

[blueskies]

For St Paddy's Day

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife
for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
-----
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
-----
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight
so often among themselves is that they're always assured of
having a worthy opponent.
-----
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever
you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another
question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can
understand them.
-----
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman
came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!"
shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
-----
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-----
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear
spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said
himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
-----
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
-----
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til
two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
-----
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!"
He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a
baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-----
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you
improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied
O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
-----
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night
on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
-----
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving
up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell
you the details and highlights of theirs?

 

[techsan]

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife
for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
-----
...
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving
up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell
you the details and highlights of theirs?

ROTFLMAO! Some great laughs there, blueskies. Good contributions. Hope you'll come back often ... and bring more!

 

[rozezwild]

~ It's Hell To Get Old ~


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George,
everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with
God?"
~snip~
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

Oh my god i would kill someone

 

[rozezwild]

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast.

OMG is that what my Grannies Rosary looks like when she is drivng??

 

[blueskies]

ROTFLMAO! Some great laughs there, blueskies. Good contributions. Hope you'll come back often ... and bring more!

Thanks.. but.. i can't take credit for this.. i got it in an email and thought i would share..

 

[techsan]

Thanks.. but.. i can't take credit for this.. i got it in an email and thought i would share..

Hey, that's what we all do...LOL

 

[kayte]

Link to a new "who's on first" routine.

The speaking part starts after a few moments of the music...

 

[rozezwild]

a few usless tidbits

Q: What Are The Small Bumps Around A Woman's Nipples For ?
A: Its Braille For Lick Here.

Q: What Is An Australian Kiss?
A: It Is The Same As A French Kiss, But Only Down Under.

Q: What Do You Do With 365 Used Condoms?
A: Melt Them Down, Make A Tire, And Call It A Goodyear.

Q: Why Are Hurricanes Normally Named After Women?
A: When They Come They're Wild And Wet, But When They Go,
They Take Your House And Car With Them.

Q: Why Do Girls Rub Their Eyes When They Get Up In The Morning?
A: Because They Don't Have Any Balls To Scratch.

 

[techsan]

Q: What Are The Small Bumps Around A Woman's Nipples For ?
A: Its Braille For Lick Here.

Q: What Is An Australian Kiss?
A: It Is The Same As A French Kiss, But Only Down Under.

Q: What Do You Do With 365 Used Condoms?
A: Melt Them Down, Make A Tire, And Call It A Goodyear.

Q: Why Are Hurricanes Normally Named After Women?
A: When They Come They're Wild And Wet, But When They Go,
They Take Your House And Car With Them.

Q: Why Do Girls Rub Their Eyes When They Get Up In The Morning?
A: Because They Don't Have Any Balls To Scratch.

ohmigosh...now my side hurts...glad I wasn't drinking when I read these!

 

[techsan]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase normally used on a daily basis, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."

 

[pleaz_me]

Link to a new "who's on first" routine.

The speaking part starts after a few moments of the music...

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is soooooooooooo typical of our government!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Q: What Are The Small Bumps Around A Woman's Nipples For ?
A: Its Braille For Lick Here.

Q: What Is An Australian Kiss?
A: It Is The Same As A French Kiss, But Only Down Under.

Q: What Do You Do With 365 Used Condoms?
A: Melt Them Down, Make A Tire, And Call It A Goodyear.

Q: Why Are Hurricanes Normally Named After Women?
A: When They Come They're Wild And Wet, But When They Go,
They Take Your House And Car With Them.

Q: Why Do Girls Rub Their Eyes When They Get Up In The Morning?
A: Because They Don't Have Any Balls To Scratch.

LMAO!!!!!!! Those are toooooo cute!

 

[pleaz_me]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase normally used on a daily basis, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! That is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[techsan]

I can almost feel myself losing weight....by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end.

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.


Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally
-- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.