Laughter is Contagious
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techsan
...just chugging along
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A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72"
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72"
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
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Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude,
except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting
lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black
condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude,
except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting
lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black
condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Can't remember if I've posted these or not...
Beware
NEW ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in themorning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead. (or knees, hee-hee)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invincible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing with you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specifically
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Beware
NEW ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in themorning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead. (or knees, hee-hee)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invincible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing with you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specifically
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
A great joke for upcoming St. Patrick's Day
Kiss My...
A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."
Kiss My...
A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Speed Limit
An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.
A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.
Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'
The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'
'But the sign says 22.'
The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.
As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.
All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'
'Well, we just came off Interstate 134.'
An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.
A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.
Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'
The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'
'But the sign says 22.'
The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.
As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.
All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'
'Well, we just came off Interstate 134.'
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." SharonStone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Jail said:
I was behind that guy on the freeway this morning....LMAO
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
techsan said:
LMAO............................LMAO
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
techsan said:
25
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Something for those of us who are 'older'!
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they have already been stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other," - Robert Benchley
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE.... And risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option... Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided comic relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway)
What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.
Oh yeah... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) there too and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough .. It wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes!
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA!
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they have already been stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other," - Robert Benchley
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE.... And risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option... Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided comic relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway)
What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.
Oh yeah... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) there too and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough .. It wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes!
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA!
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