Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

How's This For Depressing?

A TOAST: Milords, Ladies and Gentlemen, Kindly raise your glasses IN
SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO ALL THE GIRLS WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...(and their ages)
1.. Brigette Bardot 71
2.. Stella Stevens 68
3.. Sophia Loren 71
4.. Gina Lollobrigida 78
5.. Deborah Kerr 94
6.. Lena Horne 88
7.. Kay Starr 83
8.. Patti Page 78
9.. Annette Funicello 63
10.. Barbara Eden 71
11.. Angie Dickenson 74
12.. Doris Day 81
13.. Joan Collins 72
14.. Julie Christie 64
15.. Leslie Caron 74
16.. Carroll Baker 74
17.. Ann-Margret 64
18.. Debra Padget 72
19.. Julie Andrews 70
20.. Ursula Andress 69
21.. Rita Moreno 74
22.. Jean Simmons 76
23.. Julie Newmar 72
24.. Kim Novak 72
25.. Jane Powell 76
26.. Debbie Reynolds 73
27.. Shirley Temple 77
28.. Jane Russell 84
29.. Kathryn Grayson 83
30.. Esther Williams 82
31.. Elke Sommer 65
32.. Gale Storm 83
33.. Jill St. John 65
34.. Liz Taylor 73
35.. Mamie Van Doren 74

UNBELIEVABLE, HOW IN THE WORLD DID THEY GET OLD AND WE DIDN'T ?

 

[rozezwild]

Top 10 Weirdest Street Names

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas
9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.
8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.
7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.
6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.
5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston
4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.
3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)
2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.
1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.(Look techie)

 

[rozezwild]

For the football fans

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging
two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it
onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there
are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the
warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up to the parking lot of the football
stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come
and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little
thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or
off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay
up"...

 

[rozezwild]

The sensitive Red necks

Rednecks Are So Good At That Sensitive Stuff

Three Redneck fellas, Steve, Bruce and Jed, were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce asks, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Bud you are."

 

[techsan]

Horsing Around

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father...

Johnny watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest...

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom!"

 

[rozezwild]

Horsing Around

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father...

Johnny watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest...

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom!"

OH SPEW PEPSI -- i did

 

[techsan]

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES:

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition..each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and an appointment for a haircut.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keep it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done There is only one TV between them, and NO remote.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to pray with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: * Each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor * Each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m.and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

 

[pleaz_me]

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES:

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
......................
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

Oh my, had to spend 1/2 hour catching up! My boss is looking at me like I've lost my mind, I couldn't hold in the laughter!

But this one................THIS I want to be hostess!


(((((((Tech))))))) Hope you're having a great day!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Rednecks Are So Good At That Sensitive Stuff

Three Redneck fellas, Steve, Bruce and Jed, were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce asks, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Bud you are."

LMAO ROZE!!!!!!

 

[Green_with_envy]

This actually happened at University last semester. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.


A female student raised her hand and asked, I understand you're saying there is a lot of glucose in semen. But isn't glucose a kind of sugar?"



"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add additional statistical information.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.


However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.


Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif

That is too fucking funny

 

[rozezwild]

Tooth brushes for Sale

This sounds like a good money maker!


The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45
and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on
current events."
Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a
box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly
sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set
up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

[rozezwild]

Another Blonde Joke

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all
of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road.
Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in
time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.

He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all
those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove
up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter
Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the
blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the
Easter Bunny with it.

A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little
bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around
and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was
out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm
dying to know what was in that can!!"

"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on
dead hair for permanent wave.'"

 

[techsan]

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas
9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.
8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.
7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.
6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.
5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston
4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.
3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)
2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.
1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich. (Look techie)

Some great one, roze, but I really like the two highlighted. I DON'T think you had to point out the Psycho Path TO ME!!! LMAO

 

[techsan]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging
two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it
onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there
are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the
warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up to the parking lot of the football
stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come
and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little
thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or
off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay
up"...

ROTFLMAO ... Lorenna Bobbitt's mom~!!!

 

[techsan]

This sounds like a good money maker!

...

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

ROTFLMAO!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!

 

[techsan]

Thanks to rozezwild for the following:

Beautiful Blonde Pole Dancer

If you should find this too offensive, please do not open the atttached file. However for a peak at a real cutie, take a look...

 

[rozezwild]

Some great one, roze, but I really like the two highlighted. I DON'T think you had to point out the Psycho Path TO ME!!! LMAO

Nope not at all i just thought it was funny that we had one in Michigan

 

[rozezwild]

ROTFLMAO ... Lorenna Bobbitt's mom~!!!

OMG i never thought of that one

 

[rozezwild]

Thanks to rozezwild for the following:

Beautiful Blonde Pole Dancer

If you should find this too offensive, please do not open the atttached file. However for a peak at a real cutie, take a look...

You are welcome sweetie

 

[techsan]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two?
Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please
don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DANNY (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this
bed when I get married. How will my wife fit ! in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and
a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
(who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

[Jail]

hi ((((((((techie)))))))))

*trips over that last post* sheeeeeesh, hon, that was a long one

 

[wally2450]

Great Minds

A funny!

 

[limiwa]

politics

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had a good job.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse because of his policies.

I lost my job.

I lost my home.

I lost my health insurance.

I lost my two sons in that terrible War in Iraq.

As a matter of fact, I've lost virtually everything and become homeless.

Instead of getting some help, I only got arrested.

George W. Bush has to go!

We should do anything that Senators Kennedy, Clinton, and Kerry want to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House with the next election.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

 

[limiwa]

long but funny

Oil Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in
hole in
back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower
gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT.....

 

[limiwa]

ponderisims

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?