Laughter is Contagious

[limiwa]

Top 16 Country/Western Songs...Y'All

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer


And the Number One song is . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up
With A Few

 

[techsan]

Oil Change instructions for Women :
...

But you know the job was done right!

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT.....

ROTFLMAO!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!

 

[techsan]

Social Security Sex!!

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

[techsan]

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long
...
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up
With A Few

Limiwa, It's hard to pick out the funniest of those....besides right now I can't see from all the tears of laughter rolling down my face...LMAO

 

[copperbutterfly]

Hiya!!!! In honor of the St. Patty's Day! The worst Irish joke!


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[techsan]

Hiya!!!! In honor of the St. Patty's Day! The worst Irish joke!
...
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

OH, GGgggrrrroooooaaaannnnnn!!! Lies always catch up to you....LMAO

 

[techsan]

Can your elephant do this?

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man
standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, "How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

 

[pleaz_me]

Can your elephant do this?

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man
standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, "How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

LMAO!!!!!!
That is tooooooooooooo hilarious!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Can your elephant do this?

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man
standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, "How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

LMAOROFF

How indeed?

 

[copperbutterfly]

I love it when you moan.... ohhh ahhh groan...how about this one?

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies'."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock."

 

[Jail]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. I can hardly hear you.........are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure......go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?!"

 

[sassy_girl1963]

Hiya!!!! In honor of the St. Patty's Day! The worst Irish joke!


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Oh I love it!

Thank you

 

[pleaz_me]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

..............

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?!"

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a308/pesach/laughingass.gif

 

[techsan]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a308/pesach/laughingass.gif

p_m, that's one of the funniest replies I've ever seen!

 

[techsan]

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this is ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

 

[techsan]

Quiet Sex:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

 

[rozezwild]

Oil Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
~snip~
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT.....

NOW you all see why I go to the oil change place and HE NEVER EVER touched the vehicle when it was time for an oil change

 

[rozezwild]

Hiya!!!! In honor of the St. Patty's Day! The worst Irish joke!


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELL -- my eyes are blurry and teary and i cant stop laughing

 

[rozezwild]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. I can hardly hear you.........are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure......go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?!"

OH fuck you are sooooooooo bad but i love it

 

[pleaz_me]

p_m, that's one of the funniest replies I've ever seen!

*giggles* Glad you liked dear.....would have put mine up, but I don't think it would have fit on the screen

 

[pleaz_me]

Mujibar had to pass one more test to be admitted to the United States.

The INS officer explained to him, "Mujibar, this is your final exam. If you fail, you may not enter the country."

Mujibar said simply, "I am being ready."

"Okay, here it is: Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green. You have two minutes."

Mujibar pondered deeply, and after about a minute said, "Mr. Officer, Mujibar can be making his answer now."

"Proceed."






"The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar'."

Mujibar now works for Verizon at their help desk. I spoke with him yesterday.

 

[pleaz_me]

My theory on mornings:

 

[pleaz_me]

Too cute to NOT post!

Me And You Is Friends .
You Smile, I Smile
You Hurt, I Hurt
You Cry, I Cry
You Jump Off A Bridge
I Gonna Miss Your E-Mails

 

[techsan]

*giggles* Glad you liked dear.....would have put mine up, but I don't think it would have fit on the screen

Oooooh, I'llllll bet it wouldddd!!! You're just afraid it would get licked ... you're familiar with the Hind Lick Maneuver, right?

 

[techsan]

Mujibar had to pass one more test to be admitted to the United States.

The INS officer explained to him, "Mujibar, this is your final exam. If you fail, you may not enter the country."

Mujibar said simply, "I am being ready."

"Okay, here it is: Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green. You have two minutes."

Mujibar pondered deeply, and after about a minute said, "Mr. Officer, Mujibar can be making his answer now."

"Proceed."






"The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar'."

Mujibar now works for Verizon at their help desk. I spoke with him yesterday.

OMG, this is so NOT funny! I had to edit two of his stories for Lit last week ... ROTFLMAO!!!