Laughter is Contagious

[copperbutterfly]

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I got about 15 of them right!!!! Good stuff, my sweet!

 

[techsan]

History Lesson

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

(Wonder if it really was Jacque that shot Jack??? No, I guess not...)

 

[pleaz_me]

History Lesson

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

..................

(Wonder if it really was Jacque that shot Jack??? No, I guess not...)

I think you stumped everyone this time ((((((((((Tech))))))))))

 

[techsan]

Kids in Church

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 

[pleaz_me]

Kids in Church

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!! Will have to forward that one to my pastor!

 

[techsan]

Kids in Church

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

 

[techsan]

Kids in Church

A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game. Then, the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang "The Star-Spangled Banner", and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

Kids in Church

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

hahahahha

 

[techsan]

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!! Will have to forward that one to my pastor!

Will you tell him where you got it???

 

[pleaz_me]

Will you tell him where you got it???

Ummmmmm...............



well............


It popped up on the computer screen in front of me while I was working?

 

[techsan]

Ummmmmm...............



well............


It popped up on the computer screen in front of me while I was working?

Sounds plausible to me!

 

[techsan]

hahahahha

Hey, alison, good to see you again. Is that your pussy in your current av? I've got a little one just 8 months old that already thinks she owns me....and, well, I've never been one to dispute the ideas of a pussy.

 

[kayte]

From my email

A young blond woman in St. Louis was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said.

"This is the Casino Queen, and we never leave St. Louis."

 

[pleaz_me]

A young blond woman in St. Louis was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.
....................................
"This is the Casino Queen, and we never leave St. Louis."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

That is toooooooooooooo funny Kayte!!!!

 

[techsan]

A young blond woman in St. Louis was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.
...
"This is the Casino Queen, and we never leave St. Louis."

LMAO
kayte, I guess she figured they had calm seas all the way, huh?

 

[techsan]

Beware

NEW ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in themorning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead. (or knees, hee-hee)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invincible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specifically
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

 

[copperbutterfly]

A little something for everybody tonight!


By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, Oh, oh, oh! She walked around the house for like an hour going Oh! Oh! Oh!" Now, this kid is doing this hysterical duck walk while holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying push, push, and breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they said was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff; inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

 

[techsan]

A little something for everybody tonight!
...
applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

ROTFLMAO ROTFLAMO
ROTFLAMO ROTFLAMO
ROTFLAMO ROTFLAMO
ROTFLAMO ROTFLAMO

Copper, I'm really hurtin' from laughing so hard. Middle wife? Play Center? OMG! sounds just like something kids come up with....whew!

 

[copperbutterfly]

ROTFLMAO ROTFLAMO
ROTFLAMO ROTFLAMO
ROTFLAMO ROTFLAMO
ROTFLAMO ROTFLAMO

Copper, I'm really hurtin' from laughing so hard. Middle wife? Play Center? OMG! sounds just like something kids come up with....whew!

I read this at work! I was crying! Sweet dreams for a sweet man!

 

[techsan]

The difference between right and left.............

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept ! money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.

 

[kayte]

The difference between right and left.............

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept ! money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.

Good afternoon {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you sweetie. It is funny but causes a bit of thinking too.... And that makes it great!

 

[omahaman2]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.



The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

[techsan]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
...
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

LMAO
Great one, OMAN!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Evening funny man! I hope nobody has done this one!

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female..... Any part under a car's hood. Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male.... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[techsan]

Evening funny man! I hope nobody has done this one!

Eight Words with two Meanings
...
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

No, but I'm glad you did...these are funny and all too true...Hugs ya, Copper!