Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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techsan
...just chugging along
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Hey, rottenaim, don't laught at that...I take two Fukitols every day...LMAOrottenaim said:
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
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- May 11, 2004
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Some fun rules
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked
car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't
there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need
him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through
peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you
are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
And,
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their
level then beat you with experience.
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked
car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't
there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need
him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through
peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you
are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
And,
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their
level then beat you with experience.
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
The Vatican
The Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
The Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey Leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns ! around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
The Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
The Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey Leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns ! around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can sooooooooooo relate!
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
Never try to outsmart a woman!
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and the rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a faithful wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!
Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Wife Vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Stupid And Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so Stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"
Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at The top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and the rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a faithful wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!
Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Wife Vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Stupid And Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so Stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"
Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at The top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
Subject: Human Remorse Dept.
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.
ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you
Wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may
Buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment Offices.
Have a nice day.
Human Remorse Dept.
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.
ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you
Wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may
Buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment Offices.
Have a nice day.
Human Remorse Dept.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
rozezwild said:
All of these are hilarious, roze...
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
you're the statue. The variation says "some days you're the bird, some days you're the windshield"
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
I've got a take-off on this to post about the Lone Ranger
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through
peanut butter Great visuals
rottenaim
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2005
- Posts
- 613
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never had to do this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never had to do this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
HILARIOUS!rottenaim said:The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never had to do this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and are soon asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and asks, “Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?”
The Long Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks: “Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone stole our tent.”
Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?”
The Long Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks: “Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone stole our tent.”
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
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Three strangers
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learned that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
Finally the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks, “Once my people were many, now we are few.”
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, “That’s ‘cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet.”
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learned that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
Finally the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks, “Once my people were many, now we are few.”
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, “That’s ‘cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet.”
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