Laughter is Contagious
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techsan
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The Best Assassin
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists … two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you aren’t the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I just can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you can’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists … two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you aren’t the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I just can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you can’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
techsan
...just chugging along
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Rules for Entering Texas
Okay, I don't hide the fact that I'm a tang-toungled towboy from Texath. Some of your readers might even be Texans, so you already know this stuff. I promise this is my last post for the night....well, for now.
The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas:
Pull you droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let’s get this straight
We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow
It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way
They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10, I-20 and I-40 go east and west, I-35 and I-45 go north and south. Pick one
So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year
So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept
Trucks are made to get dirty. Don’t bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin’ camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It wont happen.
We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time
Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for --- bait
Yeah, we eat catfish, carp and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop
The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November
Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped … by our women
Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks --- because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country
We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age!
No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey
When we fill out a table there are three main dishes --- meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices --- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce!
You bring “Coke” into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it!
You bring “Hooch” into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant
You bring “Mary Jane” to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair
Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon
That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.
High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to watch
Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards --- it spooks the fish
Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays
We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so?
“Don’t Mess With Texas.” If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!
Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course
Remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can’t make it without Texas.”
Okay, I don't hide the fact that I'm a tang-toungled towboy from Texath. Some of your readers might even be Texans, so you already know this stuff. I promise this is my last post for the night....well, for now.
The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas:
Pull you droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let’s get this straight
We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow
It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way
They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10, I-20 and I-40 go east and west, I-35 and I-45 go north and south. Pick one
So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year
So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept
Trucks are made to get dirty. Don’t bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin’ camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It wont happen.
We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time
Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for --- bait
Yeah, we eat catfish, carp and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop
The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November
Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped … by our women
Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks --- because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country
We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age!
No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey
When we fill out a table there are three main dishes --- meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices --- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce!
You bring “Coke” into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it!
You bring “Hooch” into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant
You bring “Mary Jane” to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair
Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon
That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.
High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to watch
Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards --- it spooks the fish
Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays
We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so?
“Don’t Mess With Texas.” If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!
Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course
Remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can’t make it without Texas.”
omahaman2
Here's your sign
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Three sons left home, started careers and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give their elderly mother for her seventieth birthday. The first said, "I built a big house for Mom."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks:
She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is not practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks:
She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is not practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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Real Court Questions
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters --- who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is you appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, Before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters --- who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is you appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, Before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh? Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh? Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
techsan
...just chugging along
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Is this from the hangover that caused you to get wet between the legs? Somebody once said its always easier to get laid if you can ply a woman with alcohol...wonder why that never worked for me...lol...sorry the laughs added to your pain...here's hoping you're feeling MUCH better real soon ... anything I can do to speed your "recovery"???pleaz_me said:
techsan
...just chugging along
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Why Women Are Cranky
Now I wouldn't know about such things myself but I have it on good authority that the comments below are true for most women:
We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee in our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. InLabor. Calm down and push. Just one more (10 more) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the b*****d and (DH) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling mushroom-headed 10 lb. Bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while DH had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks? I love being a woman (call me crazy) but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi more spiteful!!!
And they say women are the “weaker sex.” HA!
Now I wouldn't know about such things myself but I have it on good authority that the comments below are true for most women:
We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee in our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. InLabor. Calm down and push. Just one more (10 more) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the b*****d and (DH) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling mushroom-headed 10 lb. Bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while DH had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks? I love being a woman (call me crazy) but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi more spiteful!!!
And they say women are the “weaker sex.” HA!
techsan
...just chugging along
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Seems obvious to me ... women are a lot more complex than guys! All we gotta do is shoot the seed while women have to provide the egg, keep the incubator warm, "shop" for milk, and still keep the "house" open for pop to practice in.pleaz_me said:
Now me ... I never could figure out why guys wanted to snap a young girl's bra...I always wanted to "unsnap" them...lol
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR directors office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation).
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR directors office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation).
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Honey, can you fix this?
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
he looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. Logo printed on my forehead I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.”
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps" he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo........ do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
he looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. Logo printed on my forehead I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.”
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps" he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo........ do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
If I could only say that it were my tushy......- Status
