Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

Sooooooo truthful!
{{{hehe...my bragging time....my grandpa is 97 years old! He still farms, still drives(legally),still flies his airplane(oops, illegally ) and up until a couple of months ago he lived on his own. Now he has a live-in caregiver, more for company than anything else, and is back home after recovering from pneumonia.......I believe it was 2 years ago he was out on the jet ski having a blast cuz "this may be my only chance!"......he's the greatest!}}}

In a past life when I was in college, I had a roommate from west Texas who had a greatgrandfather, 105, still farming with his younger brother, who was 102. Both had wives over 100 years old and extremely active...weird family and lots of fun...The guys were great story tellers and mind you, there memories went back into the latter years of the 1800s...some tales!

 

[techsan]

More aging...

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

 

[techsan]

...and two more

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..Today, it's called golf

 

[FCGuy]

I'll only be 35 next mo I have plenty of time yet before I have to brag! LOL

 

[techsan]

I'll only be 35 next mo I have plenty of time yet before I have to brag! LOL

Aw, heck, FC, you're braggin' right now...LMAO

 

[techsan]

To Sprinkles and other nurses, etc...

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, " Picabo, ICU"

 

[kayte]

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Oh my techie ~ Such motivation!!!

 

[techsan]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

 

[techsan]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

[techsan]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

 

[pleaz_me]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh so truthful!

 

[pleaz_me]

An older couple were lying in bed one night....
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

LOLOL!

 

[FCGuy]

A couple was home without kids, and decided to buy a pet. So the man goes to the pet stoe one night after work. Sees the usual. Dogs, cats, rodents, etc... He sees the bird section just as he's about to go, and notices one bird, a parrot, sitting funny on a perch. He gets closer to the cage, and sees the bird has no feet.

Curious, he asks the store owner about the bird and how he sits on the perch. The owner says the bird can say over 10,000 words and talks about anything from sports to religion, and he uses his penis to sit on the perch. Amazed, the man really wants the bird and knows the wife will love it. But, he sees the $350 price tag, and starts to walk away. The owner notices, and takes pity on the man and makes a deal.

Soon, man and bird are on their way home. The man excitedly shows his wife, who instantly falls for the bird. Two weeks later, the doorbell rings. Only the wife is home. She answers the door wearing just her see-thru nightie. It's the mailman. She invites him in for a drink.

The bird watches as the mailman steps inside, lays down his bag and kisses the woman on the lips. The bird is taken aback, and continues watching as the woman and mailman take off each other's clothes, and have sex on the couch for two hours! The bird is totally blown away, anxious to see the man tonight when he gets home from work so he can tell what happened!

That night, the man walks in the door from work, and sees the bird in an obvious panic! He asks the bird what the matter is.

The bird says, " You won't believe what I saw this afternoon! The doorbell rang, and your wife answered, wearing just her see-thru nightie! "

" Awww! That's OK! She gorgeous and sexy, and she knows it! "

" Yeah! But, it was the mailman! She let him in for a drink! "

" That's OK! We've known him 20 years! Great guy!. Besides, my wife loves to flirt, and it's all right!

" You don't understand! They took off each other's clothes, and had sex on the couch for two hours! "

At this, the man couldn't joke. Devastated, the man said, " I don't believe it! All these years married! I thought she loved me! What happened next? "

" I don't know! I fell off the perch! "

 

[techsan]

LOLOL!

Good to see you, sweet lady...glad you're laughing this morning.

 

[FCGuy]

Hi Pleaz! Hi Techsan!

 

[rozezwild]

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..Today, it's called golf

Oh lord that sums up golf pretty damn good

 

[techsan]

A couple was home without kids, and decided to buy a pet. So the man goes to the pet stoe one night after work. Sees the usual. Dogs, cats, rodents, etc... He sees the bird section just as he's about to go, and notices one

...

" I don't know! I fell off the perch! "

Good one, FC

 

[rozezwild]

OH LORD FC my sides are aching now

 

[FCGuy]

Thanks! Here's a shorter one.

An old Irish Catholic guy lay dying in bed when, one day, he awakens to a familiar smell. He strugles to sit up as he recognizes the smell as his fave: Chocolate chip cookies!

He pulls himself together, slides along the wall, slowly walks downstairs, the smell getting stronger. He finally gets to the kitchen, where he sees his wife's back baking cookies. He spots a rack with already made cookies. He decides to try to sneak one without his wife looking. He slowly snags one, and takes a bite! He is in total joy as he quickly gobbles the rest of the cookie. He decides to try to snag another.

He reaches his hand out to get another but, before he can, his wife smacks his hand away and says, " Those are for the wake tomorrow! "

 

[techsan]

Thanks! Here's a shorter one.

An old Irish Catholic guy lay dying in bed when, one day, he awakens to a familiar smell. He strugles to sit up as he recognizes the smell as his fave: Chocolate chip cookies!

He pulls himself together, slides along the wall, slowly walks downstairs, the smell getting stronger. He finally gets to the kitchen, where he sees his wife's back baking cookies. He spots a rack with already made cookies. He decides to try to sneak one without his wife looking. He slowly snags one, and takes a bite! He is in total joy as he quickly gobbles the rest of the cookie. He decides to try to snag another.

He reaches his hand out to get another but, before he can, his wife smacks his hand away and says, " Those are for the wake tomorrow! "

LMAO...is that kinda like "having your cake and eating it too?"

 

[FCGuy]

LOL I guess so, Tech! How are you, Buddy?

 

[techsan]

Analogies You Probably Won't Find in Great Literature

The following were submitted to the Washington Post in response to a contest:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)

 

[pleaz_me]

***bear with me...I'm cleaning my mailbox today***

HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to
worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I
love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He
seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes
later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY
I didn't catch any fish today, but at least I got laid.

 

[pleaz_me]

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says
to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one
of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells
him, "This is the one..... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the
cow to be bred?
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says:
"I guess it's to hang your pants on......"

 

[techsan]

HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was

...

made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY
I didn't catch any fish today, but at least I got laid.

p_m, that's a riot...took me several minutes to stop laughing so I could respond!!!