Laughter is Contagious

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Tech, you are one seriously messed-up dude! I love it! :-D
 
truecelt2 said:
Would You Remarry?

A husband and wife were sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks:

"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
"Definitely not!" her husband replies.

"Why not? Don't you like being married?"
"Of course I do," says the husband.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" asks his wife.
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again," the husband admits.

"You would?" the wife says with a hurt look.
The husband groans.

"Would you live in our house?" his wife asks.
"Sure, it's a great house," he replies.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" his wife persists.
"Where else would we sleep," the husband says.

"Would you let her drive my car?"
"Probably, it's almost new," he replies.

"Would you replace my pictures with hers?" the wife asks.
"That would seem like the proper thing to do," he answers.

"Would you give her my jewelry?"
"No. I'm sure she'd want her own," he replies.


"Would she use my golf clubs?" his wife asks.

"No, she's left-handed."

Oh he would get a club upsida the freaking head :D
 
techsan said:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss ... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice ... well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Oh freaking hell -- please more more more -- my sides hurt and i needed this {{{{TECHIE}}}} thank you :kiss:
 
techsan said:
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Could not be more true!

techsan said:
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

TEENAGER? Mine's not even a teenager yet........and I didn't enjoy it that much! :eek:
 
pleaz_me said:
Could not be more true!



TEENAGER? Mine's not even a teenager yet........and I didn't enjoy it that much! :eek:
Hey! I resemble that remark!
 
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
 
Do you best but ...

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
 
FCGuy said:
LOL Tech! Hilarious!
Hey, FC...here's another one for ya...

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
 
techsan said:
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


OH SHIT-- i am dying over here :D
 
techsan said:
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


MUMBLE MUMBLE -- damn pepsi :D :rolleyes:
 
For this time of the year!!


Something Different in Valentine Sentiments

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk. But the thing I like best is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless one day you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd become my whore.

7. This feels so good; it feels so right. I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style; You're a woman of class, 'Specially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished. But now it's fulfilled, GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie. I just wish you had J-Lo's "booty."

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny. So, right to the point, let's do it. I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one I gave to your sister.
 
techsan said:
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Sooooooo truthful!
{{{hehe...my bragging time....my grandpa is 97 years old! He still farms, still drives(legally),still flies his airplane(oops, illegally :eek: ) and up until a couple of months ago he lived on his own. Now he has a live-in caregiver, more for company than anything else, and is back home after recovering from pneumonia.......I believe it was 2 years ago he was out on the jet ski having a blast cuz "this may be my only chance!"......he's the greatest!}}}
 
omahaman2 said:
For this time of the year!!
Something Different in Valentine Sentiments
........
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one I gave to your sister.
LMAO! That was sooooooooo hilarious!
 
omahaman2 said:
For this time of the year!!


Something Different in Valentine Sentiments

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk. But the thing I like best is getting you drunk.

...

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one I gave to your sister.
ROTFLMAO ... those are 10 GREAT ones, OMAN
 
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
 
pleaz_me said:
Sooooooo truthful!
{{{hehe...my bragging time....my grandpa is 97 years old! He still farms, still drives(legally),still flies his airplane(oops, illegally :eek: ) and up until a couple of months ago he lived on his own. Now he has a live-in caregiver, more for company than anything else, and is back home after recovering from pneumonia.......I believe it was 2 years ago he was out on the jet ski having a blast cuz "this may be my only chance!"......he's the greatest!}}}


OMG i want a poppa like that :D
 
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