Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

{{{{{{{{{techie}}}}}}}}}}}}} nope never said you couldn't do that --- and hell now they are stuck cause of that super glue issue -- oh well i have great cleavage outta it

...and don't mind whatever that is that keeps poking you in the behind, roze...!!!

 

[omahaman2]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't

have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to

the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories

came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........ok here we goe...

.... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"

 

[techsan]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
...
.... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"

Oooooooooooooo, that's bad, Oman...LMAO

 

[kayte]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't

have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to

the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories

came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........ok here we goe...

.... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"

Oh my!! What a groaner!! I have to send that to my Dad!!

 

[techsan]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards

 

[virgin_not]

The Blonde and the Casino:

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down and rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby! Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story is that not all blondes are dumb but all men are men.

 

[techsan]

The Blonde and the Casino:

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

...

Moral of the story is that not all blondes are dumb but all men are men.

ROTFLMAO!!!

What added to this one was that she didn't go to the craps table, where they normally roll the dice ... she went to the crap table where they play with ... oh, well!! LMAO

 

[techsan]

These aren't exactly funny but are interesting.

A few good things to know...

[1] If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
.
[2] If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
.
[3] Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
.
[4] The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts', meaning 'the best or nothing.
.
[5] The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
.
[6] The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.
.
[7] The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
.
[8] Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
.
[9] The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
.
[10] Dalmatians are born without spots.
.
[11] The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.
.
[12] Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.
.
[13] Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.
.
[14] When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.
.
[15] When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
.
[16] The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.
.
[17] Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.
.
[18] Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.
.
[19] It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.
.
[20] The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

[21] The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting
.
[22] It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
.
[23] Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.
.
[24] The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

[25] In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch and make it look like it is smiling.
.
[26] Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."
.
[27] The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.
.
[28] Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
.
[29] Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:

Mizaru (See no evil),
Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and
Mazaru (Speak no evil).

.
[30] Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
.
[31] German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.
.
[32] Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.
.
[33] A whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

 

[techsan]

Aids Warning! Very Important! Please view the attached!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Aids Warning! Very Important! Please view the attached!!!

LOLOL! That's cute!

 

[omahaman2]

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

 

[techsan]

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

OOoohhh, grrrooooaaannnn!!! That's an offkey joke... LMAO

 

[carrie-on]

OOoohhh, grrrooooaaannnn!!! That's an offkey joke... LMAO

LOL Sounded fishy to me!!

 

[techsan]

LOL Sounded fishy to me!!

I think OMAN started something...!

 

[kayte]

Aids Warning! Very Important! Please view the attached!!!

Good evening {{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}

Love your Aids attachement!!

 

[kayte]

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

GROANS..........................

Another one for my Dad!!

 

[techsan]

Good evening {{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}

Love your Aids attachement!!

Good evening {{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}}

So good to see you again...

 

[techsan]

Doctor's visit

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5 foot 5.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"OF COURSE IT'S HIGH !" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

[techsan]

Life is so hard at times.

Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.

Now I talk like an asshole ...

but my gums don't itch!

 

[kayte]

Good evening {{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}}

So good to see you again...

Thank you darling! It is good to be seen.

 

[kayte]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5 foot 5.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"OF COURSE IT'S HIGH !" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

ROTFLMAO!!!

 

[techsan]

Don't Close Your Blinds

The following isn't funny and does not attempt to make a political statement, other than loyalty to our country. I felt it was worth passing along...


Letter to the Editor- Odessa American- Odessa, TX

The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war...My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation.

My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window.

He said "Son, stand there and tell me what you see?"

"I see trees and cars and our neighbor's houses." he replied.

"OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United
States of America and you are President Bush."

Our son giggled and said "OK."

"Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country" my husband said.

"OK Dad, I'm pretending."

"Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam come out of his house with his wife, he has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death.
Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this, son....what do you do?"

"Dad?"
"What do you do son?"

"I'd call the police, Dad."

"OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations. They take your call. They listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do
then son?"

"Dad......... but the police are supposed to help!" My son starts to whine.

"They don't want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it," my husband says.

"But Dad...he killed her!!" my son exclaims.

"I know he did...but the police tell you to stay out of it Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children."

"Daddy...he kills them?"

"Yes son, he does. What do you do?"

"Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him." our son says.

"Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him," my husband says.

"But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself!!"

"WHAT DO YOU DO SON?" Our son starts to cry.

"OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next son?"

"What Daddy?"

"He walks across the street to the old ladies house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then...he kills her.

He turns around and sees you standing in the window and laughs at you.
WHAT DO YOU DO?"

"Daddy..."

"WHAT DO YOU DO?" Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers,
"I'd close the blinds, Daddy."

My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him. "Why?"

"Because Daddy.....the police are supposed to help people who needs them...and they won't help.... You always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won't help either...they won't help me stop him...I'm afraid...I can't do it by myself Daddy.....I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and...and...do nothing...so....I'm just going to close the blinds.... so
I can't see what he's doing........and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening."

I start to cry. My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband's questions and he says...

"Son"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Open the blinds because that man.... he's at your front door... "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation
he says: "I DEFEND MY FAMILY DAD!! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY
SISTER, DAD!!! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!"

I see a tear roll down my husband's cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says... "It's too late to fight him, he's too strong and he's already at YOUR front door son.....you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what's right, even if you have to do it alone, before its too late." my husband whispers.

THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen son, THAT is the greatest atrocities in the world won't affect him.

"YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!" BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS..."

 

[techsan]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here is a testimonial of someone who did:


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and 3 kids and asked loudly "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

 

[pleaz_me]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here is a testimonial of someone who did:


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and 3 kids and asked loudly "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

Oh my! How embarassing!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

Truck Stop Cafe

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is...and auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights, and running boards, you might want to gas up!"