Laughter is Contagious V2

[ga400us]

50 Shades of Grey for Seniors

Back and forth . . . in and out . . . in and out . . . a little to the

right. . . a little to the left. . . she could feel the sweat on her

forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and trickling down the small of

her back . . . she was getting near to the end.


He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife

moved . . . forwards then backwards . . . forward then backward, again . . .

and again . . . her heart was pounding now . . . her face was flushed . . .

she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . .

finally . . . totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream . . .




"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

 

[ga400us]

GOLF AND SEX or, SEX AND GOLF?

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack’s mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! “Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

"Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sexy nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

She's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’.....On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want...So— Here I am....

 

[ga400us]

Looking Forward To!!

This is what all of us seniors, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!!
This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so another guy's wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.

 

[ga400us]

Engineers

Engineers

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?”

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I'll sue you!”

“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”

 

[ga400us]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth, give me an Amen!

 

[done_got_old]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.

“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.

“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.

So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”

 

[ashik09]

Jesus handed out cans of Dr. Pepper at the Last Supper and said, "Drink this in remembrance of me. That's right, my full name is Dr. Jesus Pepper."

- James Acaster.

 

[ga400us]

Explaining Politics

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."

HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."

BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."

BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."

HE SAID, "OK."

This is how the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government works.

 

[ga400us]

Why seniors never change their password

WINDOWS:

Please enter your new password.



USER :

Cabbage



WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.



USER:

Boiled cabbage



WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.



USER:

1 boiled cabbage



WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces



USER:

50damnboiledcabbages



WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character



USER:

50DAMNboiledcabbages



WINDOWS:

Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.



USER:

50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYo urAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !



WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.



USER:

ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCab bagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow



WINDOWS:

Sorry, that password is already in use

 

[ga400us]

Arab dog vs Israeli dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies.

They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

[ga400us]

Dating ads for seniors.

*FOXY LADY*

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

---------------------------

* LONG-TERM COMMITMENT*
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband.
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.
---------------------------

*SERENITY NOW*
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together, take out our hearing aids and enjoy quiet times.
---------------------------
*WINNING SMILE *
Active grandmother with original teeth, seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

---------------------------
* MEMORIES *
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
---------------------------

*MINT CONDITION *
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

* AND FINALLY *
A lady in The Villages, in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench where a gentleman was sitting.
She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".
She then said, "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!".
He then said, "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!".
She was stunned, and finally asked him what he had done.
He said that he had murdered his first wife!
She was stunned again, and after a long pause she said.
“So, you're SINGLE???”

------------------------------ --------

Don't regret growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.

 

[ga400us]

Cowboy

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered...

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the
face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s _ _ t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'A Couple minutes ago.’

 

[ga400us]

Ear Infection

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong, and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

 

[ga400us]

Sod's Laws

Sod's Laws - bet you didn't know they really existed.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have to
pee.


2. Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.


3. Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4. Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal; someone always answers.


5. Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.


6. Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.


7. Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.


8. Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


9. Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.


10. Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium -
At any event, the people whose seats are
farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
and who leave early before the end of the
performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.


11. The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.


12. Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.


13. Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug


14. Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.


15. Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


16. The 50-50-90 Law
Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.


17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!


18. Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel
better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick.

 

[fraankhardy]

The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

 

[fraankhardy]

Making Money

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

 

[fraankhardy]

Once, a curious 5-year-old heard her parents arguing. She eavesdropped as they called each other names like bitch and bastard. She interrupted and asked them what a bitch is and what a bastard is.

Her mother told her that a bitch is a woman and a bastard is a man. That night after their parents made up she overheard them panting in their bedroom “put your dick in my wet pussy” her mother said. She asked them for the meaning of the terms dick and pussy the following morning during breakfast and they lied once again.
"Oh sweetheart, a dick is a coat and pussy is another name for a handbag." Her father convinced.
"Dad, a coat can't fit into a handbag."
"Well honey...your mother has a really big handbag." He replied and looked at his wife who was visibly angry and was hurt by what he said.

That same day she heard her mother shout “shit” after cutting herself in the kitchen. The little girl slowly approaches her mother and asks what “shit” is. Her mother, running out of lies, told her that to shit is to cook.

Her father was in the bathroom shaving when he shouted, “fuck”. She heard him and asked what “fuck” means. Her father, bored by her frequent questioning, told her that” fuck” is a synonym for shaving. Almost immediately, she heard a knock on the door and hurried to answer it. She grinned widely when she saw her grandparents on the porch.

"Oh...welcome bitch and bastard." Her grandparents froze. "Grandpa, it’s hot in here, take out your dick." she said and then let out a smirk, hoping to impress them by her vocabulary. “Grandma, do you need help with you pussy?” She continued.

Her grandparents were very shocked. Her grandfather was tongue-tied but her grandmother managed to let a few words slip out of her mouth.
“Where are your parents, dear?” Her grandmother inquired.

Without any hesitation, she answered. "My mom is shitting, in kitchen and my dad is fucking in the bathroom,” Her grandmother started to feel dizzy and suddenly fainted. Fortunately, her husband held her before she fell to the ground. The little girl looked quite shocked, and asked. "What is wrong with the bitch?"

 

[fraankhardy]

Free Sex with Fill-up

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.

The buyer then guessed 8, the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No tain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

 

[fraankhardy]

The Dinner Date

Sadie and Yetta, two widows were talking: Sadie, "That nice Morris Finkelman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you before I give him an answer."

Yetta, "Vell, I tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out to dinner... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even.

"Den ve go to a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much. I could just die from the pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me, two times."

Sadie, "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him."

Yetta, "No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

 

[fraankhardy]

New Husband

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is the local butcher, a simple, unpolished man. Reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath."

There they go again, and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderfully religious family."

 

[fraankhardy]

Disability Compensation

The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiency. As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.

"Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class."

After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar. Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment. "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"

"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my place and I'll show you."

When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen.

Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face.

"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back."

 

[fraankhardy]

Sleeping With Friend's Wife

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife.. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "U BETTER HURRY HOME NOW.... MY WIFE DIED A YEAR AGO."

 

[fraankhardy]

One word or two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

 

[fraankhardy]

Mouse Tattoo

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little gray mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it."

 

[fraankhardy]

How to Stop a Headache

Two housewives were drinking coffee together.

"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responded, "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"