Laughter is Contagious V2

[ga400us]

How the Xmas Season Began...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins...

 

[done_got_old]

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

 

[done_got_old]

A little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank.

She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank.

The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?" The old lady replies, "I make bets."

The president then asks, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman says, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughs the president, "That's ridiculous -- you can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenges, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK. I'll bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness, and we'll see."

The next morning, the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. "OK," she says, "Time to drop your pants and settle this bet."

The president complies. The little old lady peers closely at his balls and asks if she could feel them. "Well, OK," says the bank president, "since there's so much money on the line."

Just then, the lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. The president asks the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replies, "I bet him $50,000 that at 10 a.m. today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

 

[done_got_old]

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.

They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.

However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.

She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.

She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"

She said, "Why are you going to die?"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff."

 

[done_got_old]

A young man was showing off his sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far."

 

[HBergeron]

Stupid riddle time:

Why is the alphabet different on Christmas Day?


Because there's Noel.
(hee hee hee)

 

[done_got_old]

Stupid riddle time:

Why is the alphabet different on Christmas Day?


Because there's Noel.
(hee hee hee)

Actually, I think it's a cute pun!

 

[done_got_old]

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. 'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

 

[done_got_old]

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

 

[done_got_old]

Dallas heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Dallas and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Dallas and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dallas stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home. When Dallas arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

His sweet old grandmother took Dallas by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January. You, my dear, were born in June."

 

[pplwatching]

"That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January. You, my dear, were born in June."

That's cold...

 

[done_got_old]

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.

A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

 

[done_got_old]

An elephant asked a camel, “Why are your breasts on your back?” “Well,” says the camel, “I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face.

 

[done_got_old]

I was thankful to find a coin laundry still operating in my neighborhood. There's nothing quite like the roar of 10 pounds of nickels, dimes, and pennies being laundered, except of course the roar of the proprietor screaming for me to get the hell out of there.

 

[done_got_old]

April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to wear loose fitting clothing to the class.

"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."

 

[done_got_old]

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady.”

He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”

 

[done_got_old]

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.

"Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

 

[done_got_old]

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!"

 

[done_got_old]

They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well what does it do?" they asked.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool.! But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either." she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

 

[done_got_old]

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

 

[done_got_old]

One night at about 3 a.m. my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.

She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.

 

[done_got_old]

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer.

This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”

The man answers, “Now the problems start!”

 

[done_got_old]

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

 

[done_got_old]

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

 

[done_got_old]

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"