Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

Halloween. The door bell rings and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kid what he is dressed up as. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent."

Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.

 

[TwinkleStars]

http://www.you-can-be-funny.com/images/xhalcar1.jpg.pagespeed.ic.pDRSxdPBxD.jpg​

 

[TwinkleStars]

http://www.scaryforkids.com/pics/funny-halloween.jpg

 

[TwinkleStars]

https://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Funny-adult-halloween-cartoon.png​

 

[done_got_old]

Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down.

Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. "Oh, Gladys," said her friend, "you've lost your engine!"

"Never mind, dear," said auntie. "I've got a spare one in the trunk."

 

[done_got_old]

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.”

Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn't do my homework last night."

 

[bunny4med]

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the
Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend for
coffee. While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill
by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send
me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are
eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are
crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm takin' a shit. Please advise."

 

[done_got_old]

Working as a secretary in an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day, security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.

After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there and don't you come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released the very frightened telephone repairman.

 

[done_got_old]

A man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.

The man said, "No."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

As the worker turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the man went to his barn and turned his bull loose into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"

 

[done_got_old]

A family from the country hills was visiting the big city for the first time. They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was.

After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, "Ma, what do you reckon that there thing is?" she asked.

"I don't rightly know, girl," the mother replied.

Just then an old, frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out.

The mother leans over to her daughter and says, "Girl, go and get your Pa!"

 

[done_got_old]

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"

"Well, this week...nothing!"

 

[done_got_old]

A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

 

[done_got_old]

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

 

[ga400us]

Wedding Text

A father texts his son:

My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes.

Your Father.

His son texts back:

Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!

His Father replies:

I know.

 

[ga400us]

Bubba and Billy Bob

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign
on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50
each."

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy gobs of these, take
'em back to Tuscaloosa, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune.

Just let me do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're
ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us.

Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them
suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there
trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ....."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll played football for Bama, didn’t y’all?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners."

 

[done_got_old]

A father texts his son, “my dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father.”

His son texts back, “Thanks Dad, but the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!”

His father replies, “I know.”

 

[done_got_old]

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a5/64/8e/a5648ec039736e06c11688d194e4320d.jpg

 

[Iceprincess12]

Yep, I stole another one


So this cop on a horse stops a little girl on a bike

Cop, 'Where did you get that bike.'
Little Girl, 'Santa Claus'
Cop, 'Well tell Santa to put a light on it'. Hands girl a ticket.

Little Girl, 'Where do you get that horse?'
Cop, 'Santa'
Little Girl, 'Well tell Santa the dick goes on the bottom

 

[done_got_old]

Yep, I stole another one


So this cop on a horse stops a little girl on a bike

Cop, 'Where did you get that bike.'
Little Girl, 'Santa Claus'
Cop, 'Well tell Santa to put a light on it'. Hands girl a ticket.

Little Girl, 'Where do you get that horse?'
Cop, 'Santa'
Little Girl, 'Well tell Santa the dick goes on the bottom

Stealing jokes is a pardonable offense!

 

[done_got_old]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

 

[done_got_old]

A young college girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

 

[Pantyboy74]

It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls
knee deep in water.

Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not
go to the end of the dock and try."

So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and
falls up to his waist.

Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the
lake and try there."

So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about
to step off and try again when...

Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state
of mind you were in the first time you did it."

So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all
psyched up, and steps out of the canoe.... ..and precedes to drown.
So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's
going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those
holes in your feet last time?!?!"

 

[done_got_old]

It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls
knee deep in water.

Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not
go to the end of the dock and try."

So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and
falls up to his waist.

Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the
lake and try there."

So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about
to step off and try again when...

Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state
of mind you were in the first time you did it."

So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all
psyched up, and steps out of the canoe.... ..and precedes to drown.
So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's
going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those
holes in your feet last time?!?!"

Funny!!!

 

[done_got_old]

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying, he kept insisting, “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.

 

[done_got_old]

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "My boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"

The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"