Laughter is Contagious V2

[EmpressJosephine]

I Just Can't Help Myself Sometimes


I've always loved this joke:

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently HD was the wrong answer.




And I cannot resist this one:

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

 

[done_got_old]

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her."

 

[done_got_old]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da family business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"

 

[done_got_old]

The Original Story of THREE LITTLE PIGS

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

[done_got_old]

Phil got dressed up in his finest clothes and headed to the pub down the road. He noticed a woman sitting at the end of the bar who wouldn’t stop staring at him. Flattery took over and Phil headed over to talk to the lady. He made his voice deep and sultry and said, “I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, but on one condition.”

The woman had to shake herself out of her trance and then asked, “What is your condition?”

Phil says, “You must tell me your wish in only 3 words.”

The woman paused and then gave Phil a slip of paper with her address scrawled on it. She then leaned forward with her eyes closed and whispered, “Clean my house.”

 

[done_got_old]

WOW!! I just stopped at the Quick Trip in the Grove. I pull up and noticed these two cops looking at this lady who was talking on her cell and smoking while gasing up. I'm thinking this lady is crazy! She's going to blow us all up! So I go in and pay for my gas, and as I was checking out I hear someone screaming

"LOOK OUTSIDE", the woman's arm was on fire!!! She's running around screaming and waving her arm around and just going nuts. I go outside, the cops were holding her on the ground and putting the fire out with an extinguisher. I hopped in my ride and I saw the cops putting her in cuffs.

Some dude at the pump, was like, "Aw naw" , "Why ya'll cuffing her?" Like catching her arm on fire wasn't punishment enough? I kid you not, the deputies looked him dead in the eye and said, "For waving a Firearm"








Copy and paste to get your friends, like I just got you!

 

[done_got_old]

Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."

 

[done_got_old]

An oldie, but still funny...

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

 

[baise]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was being given a hand job by a nurse's aide.

'Oh my God!' said the woman.

'That's disgraceful!' The doctor leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his prostrate rapidly fills with semen, and if it
isn't emptied at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles might rupture.

‘Oh, well, that's reasonable, then,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed.While a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Shocked, the woman said, 'Oh my GOD! That's truly disgraceful! How can THAT be justified?' Again, calmly, the doctor replied, 'Same illness, better health plan.’

 

[done_got_old]

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. “OK, you,” he says, pointing to Vito, “How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don’t lie, I’m St. Peter you know. “

Vito hangs his head and replies, “Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye.”

He looks at Eddie and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Eddie replies, “I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye.”

He then looks at Jacob and asks, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”

St. Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!”

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, “Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We’re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!”

Jacob, between sobs replies, “I just saw my wife on a skateboard!”

 

[baise]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[scooter66]

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

Spotted a personal ad the other day...

Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lyme Disease.

 

[done_got_old]

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a couple bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving...on the other side?"

 

[done_got_old]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[fisherfella]

What's brown and sounds like a bell??






Dung!!


(thanks Monty Python)

 

[done_got_old]

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

[done_got_old]

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My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[done_got_old]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.


Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.


A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" He asked, surprised.

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

 

[done_got_old]

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."

 

[done_got_old]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK2j8ysXFz0

 

[done_got_old]

A woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and Asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee" she said.

"Where" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet are too far apart."

 

[done_got_old]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

 

[done_got_old]

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[ga400us]

Senior Musings

• When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
• To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
• When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
• Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
• Cop: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
• I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
• I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
• Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
• If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
• When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
• Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00pm is the new midnight.
• I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
• I run like the winded.
• I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
• When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
• I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
• When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
• I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
• When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
• It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
• Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
• That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
• Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
• The older I get, the earlier it gets late.