Laughter is Contagious V2

[EmpressJosephine]

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?

All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
​

~~~~~

What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bisexual woman?

4 drinks.​

 

[done_got_old]

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

 

[ga400us]

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Clever boy!

 

[ga400us]

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?

All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
​

~~~~~

What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bisexual woman?

4 drinks.​

Good ones, thanks for sharing.

 

[KyleR215]

why do eskimo women douche in Tide?

Because it's too cold out TIde.

A little limerick at this time of year..... when you need to make a toast....

Here's to the breezes
that lifts the girls skirts up to their kneeses
little boy seeses
does what he pleases
and that's how he got
social diseases

 

[done_got_old]

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.

They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.

However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.

She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.

She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"

She said, "Why are you going to die?"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff."

 

[ga400us]

Excellent Advice

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects.
But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you wish you were a better conversationalist?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and, of course, Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.

Please feel free to share this important information.
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM.

 

[done_got_old]

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects.
But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you wish you were a better conversationalist?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and, of course, Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.

Please feel free to share this important information.
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSdNMRtvq5g

 

[done_got_old]

Those kids are up to no good!! You find out interesting things when you have kids. What Kids Taught Me.....

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

10.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

11.) Super glue is forever.

12.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

13.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

14.) VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

15.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

16.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

17.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

18.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

19.) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

20.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

21.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

22.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

23.) 80% of women who read this will Share this, so all of their friends, with or without kids can read.

24.) 80% of men who read this will try the brake fluid and Clorox mix.....(but, boys, it's toxic, so wear a mask)

 

[done_got_old]

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

 

[done_got_old]

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

 

[done_got_old]

It is not about finding a new diet, it is about eating a healthy diet every day. And some of them even sound dangerous...

I was at my local Sam's Club buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for our dogs Romeo and Caesar, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think that I had a pet elephant? So since I have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. I wonder why.

 

[done_got_old]

Getting Married....Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry....”

 

[done_got_old]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

 

[ga400us]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Priceless!!!

 

[done_got_old]

So I got pulled over for SPEEDING ... I already knew why he pulled me over ( I was Speeding) So I decided to test my luck. I got fart spray as a gag gift on xmas and decided to try it out . The bottle says to squirt about 2 sprays. So as the cop walks toward my car I sprayed about 5 squirts. He gets to my window and asks me to get out. I said I can’t! The officer stopped dead in his tracks and said lawd...what is that smell? he said, " I got a situation going on sir!" The look on his face was priceless. I said, Sir my stomach hurts and I’m trying to get home because I.... (he is at my window and he didn't even finish his sentence) He grabs his face, backs up and says... Oh my!! I think you need an ambulance. I said no (trying not to laugh...I looked worried and sick )

Officer: BE CAREFUL AND TRY NOT TO SPEED BUT I UNDERSTAND ITS AWFUL. HOLD ON.. I’LL ESCORT YOU!

You guys , I did not expect it to go this way but the Officer followed me back to my house , & waited til I got out of the truck (he stayed in his). I had to walk all the way to the door, holding my butt cheeks, and limpin’ like it was hurting! No ticket written!

If you read until the end, share the joke ! THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE FUNNIEST SHIT ON THE EARTH.

 

[done_got_old]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principals office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his private parts hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, shed come and pick me up from school."

 

[done_got_old]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

[done_got_old]

About 6 months ago, my neighbor asked me for my Wi-FI password. I thought about it, and then went ahead and gave it to him...​not like it was going to make my bill go up or anything. Plus, I get along well with him. Today, I got home and he was outside. We stopped and talked a little as usual, then he told me that he was happy because he finally got Netflix. So I JOKINGLY said, “We’ll I've been working so hard, I barely have time to watch TV, but great! Now y’all can give me the password to Netflix so I can watch some shows." (Keep in mind, I already have Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, etc...I was joking!!)

His wife, who was sitting on their porch, said, “No, he can’t give it to you, because I am the one who pays for it and it is not to be distributed.”

Total silence
He apologized quietly, and I just told him to let it go. We changed the topic...​and then I went ahead and went inside. Soon after, they both came back over and told me that the network was not working and complained that the password did not work...

I just looked blankly at them and said, “I changed the password, because I am the one who pays for the Wi-Fi and it is not for sharing or distribution."

Ol girl turned red and tried to argue, so I just told her..."MA’AM, I have my internet and you have your Netflix everything is fine and everyone is happy, right?” Then I smiled and closed the door.

They never talked to me again.

This story is not mine, but I wasted my time reading it and now so have you

 

[done_got_old]

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read...MAIN ENTRANCE.

 

[done_got_old]

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed?

 

[done_got_old]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

What do women's assholes and a 9 Volt battery have in common?

Men have a need to stick their tongue's on it....

 

[done_got_old]

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a couple bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving...on the other side?"

 

[done_got_old]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"