lasting happiness

[rosebud5446]

okay... i think i figured out a reason I get so worried about my current relationship---- the past few years of my life have been really shitty and depressing, and they're now just starting to turn around and i'm quite happy, but i'm so used to things going wrong, that i don't feel like this happiness will last. i know i can be happy without him, although RIGHT NOW, i don't feel like i'm ready to be alone. but i worry about it so much sometimes. i also worry that because of his past player tendancies that he'll get bored with me, (even though he claims i'm the best sex he's had) and just leave me. He can be really sweet and tells me he loves me, but he's still not laid any type of commitment down, and i can't help but let it scare the hell out of me. i would like for him to talk to me about it, whether it be good or bad... i'm sure it's good, and i'm just paranoid, but i want to know where i stand, and i don't want to freak him out by bringing it up myself, because the chance that he doesn't want much commitment with me, he'll kind of dodge it a little bit...

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

doomsayer speaks

I appear to be the doomsayer on these boards. That's not good.

I understand where you are coming from. In the back of my head, I am always certain still that something good is going to end before it's time. But, that said, the part of your post that worries me is the little bit about "he tells me I'm the best sex he's ever had." This makes me worry that the two of you are after different things. If the rest of your post indicated that you were after the best sex possible and were getting it from him, then things would be OK. You want physical pleasure; he wants it; yay! happy people! But it sounds like you would seriously contemplate saying something like "I love spending time with you. I'm in love with you and I can imagine spending years like this with you." And you'd even say that when not glowing after another marathon session of hot love. While you say this, he responds, "don't worry, babe. I'm not going anywhere. Sex with you is totally amazing."

Sounds like two different conversations.

Now, people, especially guys, express things different ways. Some people hate talking about commitment and their relationship and future and will never ever do it to your satisfaction, no matter how much they truly love you. So, even though he is not saying "I will love you forever," it is possible he feels it. Do you think he would move to another state to be with you? Does he skip out on hanging with his friends to mow your lawn for you? Does he bring a present when he isn't in trouble? Would he take a second part-time job to help you make ends meet?

 

[rosebud5446]

Now, people, especially guys, express things different ways. Some people hate talking about commitment and their relationship and future and will never ever do it to your satisfaction, no matter how much they truly love you. So, even though he is not saying "I will love you forever," it is possible he feels it. Do you think he would move to another state to be with you? Does he skip out on hanging with his friends to mow your lawn for you? Does he bring a present when he isn't in trouble? Would he take a second part-time job to help you make ends meet?

as for all these questions... i believe the answer to most of them is definetly yes... the moving to another state is the only one with a possibility of 'no'... but still not sure... he mentions moving places and going on roadtrips down the line, but i don't know if it is just talk, because we sometimes put ourselves in hypothetical situations... i never know if he's serious or not, so it kind of confuses me

as far as 'the best sex we've ever had'... he said that long ago when we were just fuck buddies, our relationship has grown greatly since then, it's just a perk to have great sex, although sex is on his mind (and mine) alot, he still does many things to show he cares, from buying/fixing tires for my car, picking me flowers just because, and cooking me dinner when i'm feeling low... so i guess i have nothing to worry about, it just kind of seems too good to be true at times...

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

doomsayer relents

Yeah, this sounds nice and healthy. So maybe it is time to throw the old baggage out the window and buy yourself a new set - with him.

 

[eudaemonia]

One question I have before posting is to know how long you've been seeing each other. If only a few months, then the progression from fuck buddy to him doing lovely and caring things for you seems pretty right on target.

It's hard for a lot of women to understand that many men show love and caring by actions such as changing the oil in his beloved's car, bringing flowers, cooking for her, etc. If they're verbal about their feelings as well, great. But lots of men (not all, but lots of them) are less comfortable verbalizing things, no matter how deeply they love you and want to be with you.

So, without knowing more that's about I can contribute. Coping with those scary feelings can be quite a job. I know I have days where I just feel like withdrawing because the feelings are so uncomfortable. But do your best to stick it out, the wave of uneasiness will usually pass.

Keep posting. There are a lot of caring and supportive people here.

 

[rosebud5446]

this is our story... after high school i moved away, and right before, he said he wanted to be in a relationship with me, but then we found out i was able to move, so we didn't do anything... i come visit a couple times, we keep having sex... eventually i move back, and we don't want to start things because i wnat to move again soon, we tell eachother we love eachother and all that. then, we decide to get a place together... and he's been more and more sweet all the time... it's only been like a month and a half...

 

[eudaemonia]

Sounds like things are moving along nicely, then, after only a month and a half.

Maybe you don't want to hear this, but I wouldn't push for a commitment just now.

I'm also not clear on just what you mean when you say you want a commitment. A ring/proposal? A mortgage? A declaration of love? What does commitment mean to you?

 

[rosebud5446]

i don't need a ring/proposal... i'm only 20, but just something that lets me know he wants a lasting relationship... i guess i know he does, but my mind just plays tricks on me.

 

[Cathleen]

The thing that stands out to me is the 'best sex he ever had'. I agree with M-Y-Erotica, the relationship has to be more then sex to last.

Another thing that I see is that you haven't asked him these questions you want answers to. Do you feel uncomfortable talking directly to him? I know it can be so difficult to talk about those things that our heart wants to know - funny how the closer we are the more difficult it is to put your heart on the line and talk. But I think if can find a few ways to talk with him about your relationship it will help you.

It's clear you want answers, but you guessing at this thoughts and feelings aren't the answers - yet. Maybe if you write some things out it will help you learn some ways to broach the subject.

 

[SweetErika]

okay... i think i figured out a reason I get so worried about my current relationship---- the past few years of my life have been really shitty and depressing, and they're now just starting to turn around and i'm quite happy, but i'm so used to things going wrong, that i don't feel like this happiness will last. i know i can be happy without him, although RIGHT NOW, i don't feel like i'm ready to be alone. but i worry about it so much sometimes. i also worry that because of his past player tendancies that he'll get bored with me, (even though he claims i'm the best sex he's had) and just leave me. He can be really sweet and tells me he loves me, but he's still not laid any type of commitment down, and i can't help but let it scare the hell out of me. i would like for him to talk to me about it, whether it be good or bad... i'm sure it's good, and i'm just paranoid, but i want to know where i stand, and i don't want to freak him out by bringing it up myself, because the chance that he doesn't want much commitment with me, he'll kind of dodge it a little bit...

I've highlighted the above portions because they're all point to one thing in my mind: your self-esteem/insecurity. Yes, it's a bit obvious, but I think it's an important point, and perhaps what you're really saying is that you're worried about yourself, as opposed to this relationship. I believe you'll find security about the relationship once you become secure about yourself. Challenge your fears about being alone and not good enough...what are those rooted in, and what can you do to actively dispel them?

Regarding your relationship, I'm seeing:
-You're both very young (not a negative, by any means)
-You've been together for just a month and a half
-He says he loves you
-He treats you well, and consistent with a friend and girlfriend
-He's at least mentioned he's interested in marriage someday (maybe not marriage to you, specifically, but after so short of a time, you can't expect either of yourselves to be thinking marriage)
-The basis for your relationship is friendship, which is THE MOST important ingredient in a lasting relationship.

I'm assuming you two have agreed to be exclusive with eachother? In my not so humble opinion, that's probably a very reasonable level of commitment to make at this point, even though you've known eachother and/or fucked for a longer period of time. I can see where it'd be easy to fall into to thinking the romantic relationship should be farther along or more committed than it is...I might be thinking, 'We've loved each other for YEARS...shouldn't we be really serious and way farther along than an exclusivity agreement by now???' But then, I'd have to remind myself that what we had before and what we have now are different, and each phase requires it's own time.

He sounds like a great guy who will be around for quite sometime, and possibly forever. I agree not to push him. However, it sounds like you two could work on communication...one step can even be as simple as, "I'd love to hear your opinions on ____."

So, Rosebud, I'd strongly advise looking at the facts. Your feelings are certainly valuable, but perhaps you should use them to figure out what's going on with YOU, and grow and strengthen yourself as an individual. Of course we only have a tiny glimpse of the facts, but I'd say they're pointing towards security. However, your feelings are the opposite...why is that? Why do you feel he needs to lay more of a commitment down at this point? Do the facts support that feeling (and vice versa), or do they contradict it?

Jeez...I know that's long-winded and hope you're not taking it as condescending or bitchy, because it's all meant in the nicest, most helpful way. I just have a hell of a headache tonight, and 'stark, no-nonsense' is what's coming out. I've been in similar situations, and use these techniques and thought patterns on myself just about daily.

Good luck!

 

[rosebud5446]

thanks... i realized a few days ago that i was insecure with myself, and i have no reason to be, and raised my self esteem alot, but then i had a dream that brought back my insecurities and lead to this post, i am feeling much better now, thank you everyone for your help

 

[Cathleen]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better rosebud. Dealing with our insecurities is usually a life long endeavour. As we experience different situations or maybe find ourselves repeating the same type of experience our thoughts and actions are bound to change.

Self-esteem, just like life, can change quickly so our thoughts about ourselves and others react. A few things that help me are to be aware and mindful - of me, others and how I feel/perceive the situations.

 

[eudaemonia]

Dealing with our insecurities is usually a life long endeavour.

Spot on! It certainly gets easier to do over time, a function of the aging/maturing process I imagine. Still when the situation is such that you have intense feelings for someone any thought about it not turning out the way you want can put your head into overdrive with worry and ruminations. It's normal and natural.

Rather than making it go away, I just try to calm myself internally and usually some clarity about things will become evident. But when I really need to know what the other is thinking, I ask about it without fanfare or tap-dancing around the issue.

Not much advice, but maybe that's a useful tidbit in some way.

 

[Cathleen]

Spot on! It certainly gets easier to do over time, a function of the aging/maturing process I imagine. Still when the situation is such that you have intense feelings for someone any thought about it not turning out the way you want can put your head into overdrive with worry and ruminations. It's normal and natural.

Rather than making it go away, I just try to calm myself internally and usually some clarity about things will become evident. But when I really need to know what the other is thinking, I ask about it without fanfare or tap-dancing around the issue.

Not much advice, but maybe that's a useful tidbit in some way.

E, that is terrific advice. Learning to calm ourselves is a key skill we have to have in life. Remembering that thoughts are not facts, is important. Life is a teacher always.

 

[rosebud5446]

well, last night, he told me i was the perfect girl for him, so i don't think i have much to worry about

 

[eudaemonia]

Well done! Sounds like you're in good standing with him.

Seriously, I'm happy for you!

 

[Guest]

 

[Cathleen]

well, last night, he told me i was the perfect girl for him, so i don't think i have much to worry about

That is so nice to hear isn't it? I'm very happy for you both.