Ladies.....Your sexual self-discovery?

[kiwichyck]

Hi all

During my browsing of the boards I have come across women who talk about their struggles and achievements while trying to push their sexual boundaries, whether mental or physical.

Some of these posts I felt like it was me talking. An idea came to me about a place where we could all share our experiences and talk specifically about improving our sex lives in the place where it all starts....in our minds.

We all know that our upbringing and previous sexual experiences can negatively shape our adult attitude to sex (I'm talking about specifically within committed relationships, but I have no wish to exclude anyones input).

I'm 29, happily married with kids. I have recently begun to challege many of my accepted beliefs about sex. I've always had a great sex life, no problems with the big "o". But when my husband challenged me about being more verbally communicative in bed, it really got me thinking. I now feel like my sexual desire and response has been confined within a small box, trapped inside by my minds idea of what is 'right' and what is 'bad'.

So far I've identified where my ideas have come from, but I'm struggling with letting go of the negative feelings I get when I try to open my mouth and give voice to simple requests to increase my pleasure during lovemaking.

So, share your story and the things that helped you, hindered you, or got you thinking.

 

[eudaemonia]

You've mentioned having negative feelings in several different posts. Can you identify the nature of those feelings and when they occur? Also, where they occur; for example, in the pit of your stomach or a voice in your head or ???

I'm not sure I can be of much help otherwise as I've not ever felt particularly repressed or uncommunicative during love-making/sex, although I've become a bit more forthcoming as I've gotten older about initiating things *I'd* like to try or expressing a preference for certain things over others.

edited to add:

Actually, I take back a little of what I said above. I've had a couple of lovers I felt a little bit hindered with. One guy who I'd been seeing for about 5 months didn't want me go down on him when I tried the first and only time. He actually tried to push me away, but I persisted. He seemed to enjoy it *ahem* in the end. Coincidentally, he broke up with me not long after that. I learned quickly how to spot guys who didn't have hangups with expressing their sensuality easily. I also had to cut the line with a guy who just didn't get it when I told him that using the word "fuck" in the bedroom was a HUGE turnoff for me. He got really angry and snarky with me about that, saying I had hangups. I walked. I will set limits and will leave if those limits are not abided.

 

[onlyerics]

Well, when I was growing up, my parents NEVER, EVER discussed about sex except that I shouldn't have sex until I get married. My parents raised us as Catholics, and I actually went to Catholic schools all my life.
When I was 14 years old, I had my first boyfriend. He wanted to have sex, but I didn't. Apparently, he wasn't happy that I never let him go past second base...so he cheated on me and dumped me for my best friend, who was already sexually active. Oh well. His loss. And in a way, it affected me because I trusted them...so I had trust issues for awhile.
My older sister was actually the only one in the family who talked to me about sex. She was the first one who told me that it was okay to have pre-marital sex as long as you protect yourself and he's the right guy for you. I was 21 when we had this conversation.
I was 28 when I lost my virginity to my current BF. Never regretted it because I love him very much. But I did a lot of research before we first made love...mainly in the internet...and eventually started reading erotic stories here in the Lit. You could say that I'm still on that journey of sexual discovery. I'm still learning, and sometimes I still feel self-conscious. Just a few weeks ago I was only able to have eye contact with my BF while giving him a blow job...and a month before that, I stopped caring about how I look like while I was riding him. A year ago, I wouldn't even dream of looking at porn sites, but now I can...and usually I do this with my BF. It's actually quite fun.

 

[HandFan]

Even thought every year I feel like I get more comfortable with my sexuality, I too still have to deal with the war in my head about what your brought up to believe as the right way to do things versus what I really want to do in my heart. I have two very specific incidences in my childhood that still have some sort of sway in what hold me back sexually, strangly enough they also fuel my rebellion to do it my way as well...

When I was very young, maybe 4, my mother walked into the house to find me sitting without panties and my dress pulled up, on the floor and splay-legged, letting the floor fan blow over my exposed bits. At the time I remember thinking that it felt good it be naked and have the air fan me, nothing more because I was too innocent to know different. No one but my Mom found me this way, so it wasn't like I was on neighborhood display. Well, my Mother just flipped out, telling me what a dirty, horrible girl I was to be naked and doing what I was doing. She sent me to my room and punished me by taking away a few favorite toys. Now as an adult woman, I had a lot of trouble asking my partner to give me pleasure in bed, and tend to lean towards the direction of giving all the satisfaction to my partner, while longing for that same satisfaction for myself. I'm very uninhibited over all, which is a strange thing to be when you can barely ask for pleasure... but the thought of just asking him to do things that will give me pleasure, pleasure that would be just for me alone, is very hard for me to ask for. I feel so dirty and selfish about it, like I shouldn't want pleasure for myself. I always feel so guilty about it, but then get so angry at myself as well. I swear that this incident with my Mom is the direct source of this problem.

The second came when I was about 14. I was an avid reader and still am. At the time I had fell in love with the stylings of Anne Rice and want to read every book she had written....I'm sure a lot of you know exacty where this is going. Needless to say the Sleeping Beauty series came into my possession, at the time I was completely unaware of the contents when I bought them at the bookstore, I was just thrilled to have more books by Mrs. Rice. My inexperienced, little brain caught on fire with those books, it was like something made sense, even if I knew that it was really dirty and that half of the things described could not possibly happen in real life. My eyes where pretty opened and I had woodpile after woodpile of masturbatory images to keep me happy for years! Well, my Mother, in her boredom, went into my room looking for something to read and came across my," Books of Joy". When I got home, she stormed me about this terrible smut that I was reading, how sinful and wrong it was and that she was so ashamed of me. She made me burn those books on our barbque before my Dad came home, making me pray for forgiveness for my sins. She made me feel so rotten about something that excited me so much, I didn't know how to feel after that. Now since then I have read stories that are much worse then what Anne wrote, almost out of sheer spite, and it wasn't until this past year that I repurchased the first book in that series and am working up the courage to by the rest. When I started re-reading that first book I felt like I should be hiding under a blanket with a flashlight, even though I have no problem reading worse smut completely out in the open.LOL! I'm sure your starting to see a theme here...

These conflicting feelings are still some of the toughest things I have to deal with to this day!

 

[M's girl]

.... When I got home, she stormed me about this terrible smut that I was reading, how sinful and wrong it was and that she was so ashamed of me. She made me burn those books on our barbque before my Dad came home, making me pray for forgiveness for my sins.

You made me think of "Carrie" (book and movie) by Stephen King.

I can imagine how you would have certain hang ups still today. If you can, let them go. You did nothing wrong. I think you know that too!

 

[onlyerics]

HandFan: These conflicting feelings are still some of the toughest things I have to deal with to this day!

I know how you feel, but M's girl is right. I don't think there was anything you did wrong.

Sometimes, I still think I have trust issues. I remember when my BF wanted to meet my current best friend, who happens to be pretty. She's Oriental like me. E has this thing for Oriental women. He just thinks they're pretty...and we all know how men could be such visual creatures. So I didn't want him to meet her...(I know this is stupid) because I was afraid that he might like her better than me. As a result, we got into an argument about it. The thing that made me snap to reality was when he said, "Oh, get over it! I'm into you, not her!" They met once though, but we haven't gotten together as a group.
Another thing I found myself struggling with was masturbation, which I started to do when I was in my late teens. I always felt so guilty after giving myself pleasure. I just don't wash my hands...but I take a shower...because I felt dirty and bad...and afterwards, I'd do the rosary! There was a girl in my school (and yes, she's Catholic too) said that masturbation was evil because it causes you to lose your virginity and I always felt so guilty because here I was thinking: I'm going to hell because I'm not a virgin anymore. But of course after a whole lot of reading, mastubation was actually healthy.
But one time, E wanted me to mastubate in front of him! I could feel myself turning shades of purple...and I couldn't do it. I was so embarassed. But one time (I was just so caught up in the moment) that I just decided to masturbate. Sometimes, it's still a struggle, but then I think it's real HOT when he whispers, "Get it wet for me," or "Need help with that?" and he takes over for me.

 

[kiwichyck]

I'm very uninhibited over all, which is a strange thing to be when you can barely ask for pleasure... but the thought of just asking him to do things that will give me pleasure, pleasure that would be just for me alone, is very hard for me to ask for. I feel so dirty and selfish about it, like I shouldn't want pleasure for myself. I always feel so guilty about it, but then get so angry at myself as well. I swear that this incident with my Mom is the direct source of this problem.

It's interesting that you should say that. I feel almost exactly the same way. I've been able to supress my negative feelings enough to be able to be relatively uninihibited physically, but it's the verbalisation of my requests that I really struggle with. So I can take control of sexual activity, make appreciative sounds and movements, but when it comes to actually saying something, I just freeze up.

I feel foolish, self concious, exposed. I know logically that it is completely stupid to feel this way, I have no expectation of censure or critism from my husband (in fact the complete opposite).

I can relate to how your mothers actions made you feel and I'm sorry for it. I don't really remember how my mother dealt with us kids touching ourselves, I don't know that she ever caught any of us doing it. I did get the impression from her though (right or wrong) that it was something that I shouldn't do. The closest I got to getting caught was one time she found this hard plastic toothbrush packaging one time that I'd engineered to look more like a dildo. She asked me what it was, I pretended I didn't know, she never pushed it.
When I lost my virginity, the guy I was with got me all ready to go, then backed off and made me 'do the deed' so he couldn't be blamed for forcing me. Then he told me I was lying about being a virgin. Obviously that didn't help!

I wonder if being an avid reader tends to shoot us in the foot as well! I also read a whole lot of stuff. Perhaps that gave us a distorted view of what sex is really supposed to be like?

Thanks for all of your input. Keep it coming!

 

[HandFan]

You made me think of "Carrie" (book and movie) by Stephen King.

I can imagine how you would have certain hang ups still today. If you can, let them go. You did nothing wrong. I think you know that too!

Wait...there's a movie about my childhood? lol!

My Mom is a really nice woman over all, very loving and sweet, but when it comes to sex...man she just explodes with issues! From what I have gleaned without directly asking is that my Mom has rarely if ever had a good sex life. She grew up in a church that was very hellfire and damnation, plus no one ever talked to her about sex...my father being her first educator in that area at the age of 20, and he was a poor and selfish one at that. She had other lovers after they separated, but again mostly very selfish men. My stepfather seems to be the only one who ever bothered to please her, but now since he's on a certain medication that messes with his sex drive, I think that they probably never have sex. I'm sad for her for it.

I do know that I did nothing wrong in my childhood when I was discovering my sexuality, but it those past experiences have a way of clinging like a parasitic vine reguardless.

 

[eudaemonia]

My Mom is a really nice woman over all, very loving and sweet, but when it comes to sex...man she just explodes with issues!

<snip>

I'm sad for her for it.

I do know that I did nothing wrong in my childhood when I was discovering my sexuality, but it those past experiences have a way of clinging like a parasitic vine reguardless.

My Mom more implodes with issues, so in a sense that was a saving grace for me since sex was nevereverever talked about, so I was left to my own, erm, devices, i.e., never got messages from her or my father about it one way or the other. Thank god for Cosmo!

That said, I completely understand the indelibility of past admonishings as I have had issues about other areas of my psyche that I had to reprogram. Keep at it and eventually being comfortable in your own skin -- sexually, intellectually, whatever-ly -- will happen. Good luck.

 

[kiwichyck]

bump........