Kinky people in vanilla marriages

[EggplantParmesan]

I'm sure people have asked this before, but how do kinky people deal with (happy) vanilla relationships? I've talked with my wife about my subby desires and she's accommodated some of them (facesitting, a little crossdressing, dildo fun). But it's pretty clear that as far as she will go. We have a great sex life and I don't want to push her to do something she doesn't want. But I'm really craving exploring this more. Sometimes I do things that are harmless (I think) like looking at porn, sometimes stuff that isn't (like chatting with people online without my wife's permission -- yes, I've done it here). I would never do this IRL without her explicit OK. Do people have any advice? I have a little subby experience from before this relationship, mostly with men (I'm bisexual), and I really enjoyed it (yes, she knows that I am bi). My first priority is our relationship.

 

[lilmissdarling]

I suggest having this conversation with her. We can tell you what we would do. But not how she would react.

I find myself in a similar situation. I get my fill from erotica, porn and learning new kinks or creating these fantasies. For us, we are in a monogamous relationship. So I don't seek out people to play with, like I have in the past.

I would suggest keeping up with the honesty. Ask her what is a boundary for her. And then respect it.

 

[emme8]

Focus on pleasing her. You are submitting to her already. Punish your self witj extra chores when you don't please her, even if she won't punish you. Let her know you will do anything she wants, that you will meet her needs, that you want her to control your every orgasm. That you will not touch even your pathetic cock with out her permission. Maybe over time she will see you enjoy her attention and begin to demand even more.

Do you really want her to dress us in an uncomfortable costume and play a role she to fulfill YOUR pathetic fantasy? She would be submitting to you and that isn't what you want is it?

Now go clean the house for her, start cooking her favorite meal, and be prepared to rub her back or feet. And then maybe tonight she will allow you to perform some oral on her.

 

[emme8]

BTW...sorry if I came across to sharply.
You obviously care about your wife, and you have a great wife to do as much as she does with you already.

 

[EggplantParmesan]

I suggest having this conversation with her. We can tell you what we would do. But not how she would react.

I find myself in a similar situation. I get my fill from erotica, porn and learning new kinks or creating these fantasies. For us, we are in a monogamous relationship. So I don't seek out people to play with, like I have in the past.

I would suggest keeping up with the honesty. Ask her what is a boundary for her. And then respect it.

Thank you.

 

[cocktaildress21]

For my part, I've been systematically unfaithful. Of course, I'm not married, nor am I really in a steady relationship. But I've had boyfriends who were vanilla - and if opportunity presented itself, honestly I never even considered the option of not going for it.

It bears saying that men who are both sane, dominant and attractive are ... very, very rare. So while the above may sound horrible, it's a sum total of three instances of cheating on a boyfriend. Who was really nice and sweet and excruciatingly ordinary in bed.

 

[davion2308]

This sounds exactly like my experience. I'm married, 16 years, and my wife and I have a good sex life. She has tried a few things I want to try but I don't share the more daring/kinky things because I know she won't go for them. She doesn't mind me watching porn (she says and I believe her) and her limit is me having 1 on 1 conversations with strangers. She refuses to let that be acceptable. Which makes things tough because I want to try more, do more, engage in more and she's all set with where we are.

We have a great relationship, we have good kids, we do well together and I'm sure it's not one-sided when I think "I wish she did <thing>." I'm sure she thinks the same but simply not sex-related. She wishes I was better about finishing projects around the house. I wish she was more exploratory with public nudity or sex outside.

The advice? Have that conversation to understand what you are doing is acceptable for her. Me watching videos of my kinks and writing stories and jerking off and posting in forums, even, is acceptable. DMing or Kiking or talking to others individually is not. And I walk the line and know where to stop in respect to my marriage.

 

[emme8]

PapaWhiskey
Notice that I advised him to let her know he would do anything for her and that he wants her to control his orgasms. Absolutely most important is that Eggplant is able to let his wife know he wants to submit to her, not have her submit to one of his fantasies.
He may do well to convince her to dominate him by showing her how much easier he can make her life. Then she can reward him with more energy.
Chances are his wife is very confused by his desire for cross dressing, submission, and whatever else he is asking for. And she might be turned off by the porn and the idea of "her man" in that position.

 

[Ringstretch]

I just self pleasure myself while she's in bed or I'm alone. I love abusing my balls and licking my cum from the floor

 

[MrRandyWatson]

If you can work with it, work with it. I was in a mostly vanilla marriage for 15 years and both of us were unhappy with the sex we were having. A lot of that is that she’s pretty vanilla and I’m a lot more kinky. But if you’re still having a great sex life and everything is hunky-dory, don’t knock it.

 

[twister947]

"excruciatingly ordinary"...Where was that phrase when I needed it?

Props.

 

[Sunlover101]

This has been one of the most thought provoking threads that I have read! The quality of advice offered here is really quite amazing. I have my own sexual marriage challenges and there has been some really interesting points made here. Ty. I shall go site on my mushroom and ponder some more

 

[Wld1936]

I’m the very kinky guy but my wife is very Vanilla.

 

[hisplaceof]

I’m the very kinky guy but my wife is very Vanilla.

I started out the vanilla one, my wife was the kinky one, she brought it out in me and now it all depends on how hot either of us get. Our main time together is all about making love and love making, I suppose that is what most people call vanilla but it is the most intoxicating, intimate, and we make the best connection (her words). I am totally with her on this, they are the best. Even with it being the best there still has to be more or it gets so routine it's difficult to stay hard. We have the "fill in times" or more "planned times" which are more about the sex and variety. I do love it when my wife wants to go the kinky routes, not even because of what we do but because she lets go and lets loose. I love it when she is completely into the SEX part of it.

 

[Showmewhatchugot84]

Can be a lonely feeling

 

[Condecito]

In my marriage, I am the kinky one, but my wife is usually ok to follow my ideas. Didn't go too far, that is true, because then I think she would finally say STOP. Right now, we are looking for a nice looking couple that want to be driven and wants to drive us online. We think can be a lot of fun to put on other couple hands one of our nights. We imagine it like a video call, a bit of exhibitionism, and things will flow. We can tell the other couple what we like, what we love, what we want to see in them... And gladly will listen too.

This is one step forward in the kinky direction that could open many doors we don't event know right now. If some of you, guys, happily married like we are, would like to try, please, let us know.

 

[luv23way]

Oh fuck, I loved your answer

BTW...sorry if I came across to sharply.
You obviously care about your wife, and you have a great wife to do as much as she does with you already

 

[luv23way]

It’s fucking brutal at times, the inner me screams sometimes! When I was younger, and more desirable to older couples, swinging as a single male worked well. I knew monogamy was never going to work, and it proved to be a great outlet for my tremendous sexual energy without the dinners, the dates, and the BS that comes with affairs. Found my bi side there, and had a chance to explore hundreds of different sexual scenarios with a variety of people…some good, some not so good. Now older and my fem sexual side is at least as strong as my male sexual side, so that has provided some interesting challenges, but this girl somehow manages to find a way to explore her wild side. But, monogamy is not an option…

 

[jerryb1966]

In an almost sexless and vanilla marriage for various reasons. As I have aged, my kinks have grown. I have a sexual Dom waiting to be unleashed in person. So I play on voice here with cum friends and try to keep the urges satisfied.

 

[Dearelliot]

Sure seems like there's a lot more kinky guys than kinky ladies....so finding a lady mate as kinky as many guys are, can be difficult.
My thoughts, the happiest, most satisfied married guys are guys who are comfortable with in bed in the dark, doing the old in and out...
My experience re wanting kink, you could at a younger age 20s thru 30s maybe longer, have periods where "she" will try and work with you, but dont expect a long term player.
Generally speaking there is that 5% and you could be one of the lucky guys,...
IMO.
I opted for marrying the greatest woman and mother to our daughter ever and satisfying my kink with pros. No involvement, no relationship, no feelings, just scratch and itch and go.

 

[BrownUnicorn]

Sex is a touchy subject. One not everyone has the confidence to have that discussion nor might they want to. I asked a partner a few years back about taking things to another level and they recoiled. To later find out that they were a freak just like me but I would have never been a cuck. If I do that I might as well be a sub too and grab my ankles.

 

[Ingenue844]

It’s not easy. Especially with a spouse who just doesn’t seem interested in exploring or fulfilling needs.

But I remain hopeful that communication will win out.

 

[firmbutgentle]

I'm sure people have asked this before, but how do kinky people deal with (happy) vanilla relationships? I've talked with my wife about my subby desires and she's accommodated some of them (facesitting, a little crossdressing, dildo fun). But it's pretty clear that as far as she will go. We have a great sex life and I don't want to push her to do something she doesn't want. But I'm really craving exploring this more. Sometimes I do things that are harmless (I think) like looking at porn, sometimes stuff that isn't (like chatting with people online without my wife's permission -- yes, I've done it here). I would never do this IRL without her explicit OK. Do people have any advice? I have a little subby experience from before this relationship, mostly with men (I'm bisexual), and I really enjoyed it (yes, she knows that I am bi). My first priority is our relationship.

I'm in exactly this situation: my SO is submissive in the sense that I'm in charge of what we do sexually and when, and she follows instructions. But a lot of what I like feels scary to her, and she's not naturally inclined to follow rules about dress or behavior.

The most important thing is to appreciate what you have. She means everything to me, and we have a great life, so why would I focus on what I don't have when I do have a good partner who loves me and sucks my cock whenever I want???

Beyond that, I write here. This account is private because much of what I write is actually more extreme than what I like in real life, so she'd mostly just be turned off. She's already told me that gagging frightens her, so she doesn't need to read about someone being forced to choke on a cock. I write milder things for her, some of which I expand into LE stories, and we can discuss them. She likes some and doesn't like others.

Also, it should be possible to express yourself without being shamed. There's a big difference between "I don't want to do that" and "What kind of sick fuck would want to do that?" My writing and our conversations have at least helped her to understand that people who want to be whipped aren't "sick," nor are the people who whip them.

 

[firmbutgentle]

Not the writing and posting, no. Flirty/romantic/sexual conversations on line, however, are as much "cheating" on line as in person.

 

[Inthelastrow]

Its how people end up on Literotica