Kinky family members? Genetics, environment, or...

[neonflux]

This thread was inspired by one of Graceanne's posts on the blurt thread about her brother and sister. I had to laugh, because my sister, who is a very assertive academic - feminist and queer theorist (although hetero by sexual inclination) is also kinky - very much on the subby end of things.

It was also very much inspired by DVS's Sexual Timeline Thread, which I just finished reading through this morning and loved... My sister and I definitely did kinky play with each other as children that reenforced our tendencies (without knowing what we were doing at the time - it also never had sexual overtones).


So, do you have kinky relatives that you know of or suspect?

What is your take? Genetic influences, environmental, or both?


The only thing I can point to in terms of environment is that one of the gifts our mother gave us was a complete lack of shame or discomfort when it came to sexuality, which provided us with wide open paths for sexual exploration. (It is also, perhaps a factor, in the strong influence sex has had on both of our career paths / writing.) My own suspicion, especially after just reading Mark Thompson's book "Leatherfolk", is that we are all born with a capacity for kink as its so deeply related to strong human drives (for sex, for pleasure/sensation, for altered states of consciousness) but that environmental factors bring a desire to fulfill all those drives through BDSM play...

Neon

 

[intothewoods]

I wish I had some insight here, but I had to post to say I've been wondering about this myself. I look at family members and think, are they? Is it just me? Did my parents ever?

 

[minx1]

Yeah I definitely suspect that some of my family members are/were kinky to varying degrees...particularly my mum and my grandad. Though I will spare people the gory details of why I think that lol.

As far as the nature/nurture debate....I always tend to be favour the belief that its ones environment that has greatest influence on us. My family has always had a very open minded approach to bodies and sex and I believe that certainly encouraged exploration. But as to genetics...I don't know. My guess is a combination of both

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

Well, I'm pretty sure there are other family members that are gay and/or bisexual and very possibly kinky. With my family though sexuality was a very taboo subject. That mixed with alcoholism and other issues has made many of them very black and white about any alternative sexuality in general.

Sigh, I've always been the black sheep...Bahhhh.

Ivy

 

[graceanne]

It's probably redundant, but yes I've discovered some of my family members are kinky. To tell the truth I'm not sure how I feel about it, they're 19 and 17. I changed their diapers, smacked their hands, and made them stand in corners. I think I would have been happier not knowing. lol

Edited to add: I have a feeling my uncle is kinky, too. My 'aunt' (she's exactly a year older than me) made a comment along the lines of 'pleasure without pain is like . . . '. But with them I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

 

[myinnerslut]

the apple hasnt fallen far from the tree

i know both my parents dabbled in BDSM, but as far as i know they only did it as a bedroom game. i know for a fact that they have nipple clamps, a leather corset, the taiming of sleeping beuaty, and a slapper in thier room. this is the reason that while they are not thrilled that thier only daughter is very happily submissive... they really cant say much about it.

 

[omniavincet]

Great topic!

I think genetics plays a big part for two reasons: 1) so many people, including myself, seem to have had the kinky gene since a young enough age that it seems unlikely a specific environment is required and 2) I have a family full of kinksters. Yes, would rather not have known about some of them (definitely TMI), but then again, my road looks damn easy compared to my uncle who announced the the family when he was 50 that he had always felt like a woman - he's now close to surgery to seal the deal.

I realize that my views may be driven by personal experience, so I may not be a purely objective observer here. I do think environment plays a huge part in whether we feel okay with *expressing* our kink - liberal parents who talk freely about sex seem to me more likely to produce kids willling to explore and express all kinds of sexualities, including kinky ones.

OV

 

[graceanne]

I think it's both gene's and environment. To tell the truth I would have said environment entirely, but . . .

My dad left when I was 2, my mother raised me. I spent a month every summer with him and that was IT. My brother and sister were raised by my dad and step mom. I only saw them once a year. The only thing we have in common is genetic stuff - like we talk too much, are know it alls, and are VERY musical. Oh yeah - and we're kinky.

 

[Marquis]

My mom is dead and my dad and I don't discuss sex.

That being the case I have gotten remarks from people who know them about the apple not falling far from the tree when I discuss my own interests.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Hmmmn : contemplates :

My father I have no damn idea and am quite unlikely to bridge the topic. Whom am I kidding, Hell would freeze over before I would ask him.

Time flies , must have been about ten years ago when I showed my sister the bondage teddy bear key-chains I bought as soft humor trinket presents for a few friends of mine . The look on her face was priceless as she launched into a lecture about how perverse and disgusting they were. I was actually taken aback a little. She caught me off guard and was so venomous in her 'appraisal' I think it's fairly safe to rule her out. I have an image file somewhere of a scary looking fish , exactly the same face she made. If I find it later I may post it. Interesting that came to mind just now.

My brother is accomplished with certain kink orientated terminology though I suspect it's more to do with having been a dedicated porn hound over the years. I'll ask him on the weekend Neon , just for you

 

[agibean]

I'm pretty sure my parents dabbled, and I found a stash of dad's porn novels that included some REALLY kinky stuff (at least to a 16 yo), so he at least liked reading about it. My parents are both gone now, but they never knew about my proclivities. I think, from comments my brother's made, that he and my SIL are kinky on some level. They're been together 25 years, so it must work for them.

My husband and I think one of his sisters is kinky, but she'd cut out her tongue before discussing sex with her "baby brother".

 

[Netzach]

My mother insists that she's not really interested, has experimented a little etc.

Then it comes out in the wash that when she was married to my stepfather he had pretty much mandated that she should have stockings and garters on at all times. She had them on under her jeans from the time I was in third grade - high school. (!) He also had periods of hardcore Catholic guilt and would beg her to "punish" him till she did apparently.

This seems pretty intensive. I mean I like stockings as much as the next freak and M doesn't have them on every day...

 

[Shankara20]

So, do you have kinky relatives that you know of or suspect?

What is your take? Genetic influences, environmental, or both?

I'm adopted so I have no sideways or backward references, I do keep a lookout with my two kids and grandkids, but it is difficult to get much discussion from them. They know some about me but reach TMI (too much information) very fast. Sorry I cannot add more.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well my 27 year old daughter is a dominant. She and I do not discuss much cause of the TMI thing.

Anyway our fan base is different most of the time, accept she did raise one eye brow when I was talking to the 22 year old sub I called young stuff. In the end, I had to cut him loose cause the gap was just too huge.

 

[Netzach]

I so wish my mother were a Domme too...*sigh*

 

[Ebonyfire]

My daughter will show me her new toys though.

 

[nh23]

This is funny to me..because a friend and i were just discussing if non monogamy is an inherited trait. Her father was quite the "ladies man" and my mother got her share. Although from what i know the two of them never got together..lol. But i'm not sure if it's inherited or just how sex is regarded in a particular household. She tends to be like her father was..and well i have an open marriage. As far as being kinky.. i'm pretty sure my mom is..although we have never discussed it. And i'm positive my sister is. Sex was never a taboo subject with my mother. I actually told her when i lost my virginity and i was only 11 or 12 at the time.

 

[Marquis]

Oh, I almost forgot to mention.

My uncle is a true-blue pervert with loads of dominant and sadistic tendencies, pretty much set me on my path.

 

[graceanne]

I do know that my sister and I got our sex drives from our mom. Mom told me once that she liked the side effects of her zoloft, cause it makes her sex drive normal. I also know that their's nothing wrong with her sex drive now, so I know that she must have been a lot worse (or better ) before the zoloft.

Also, as much as it weirds me out that my brother and sister are . . . well growing up, I still let them talk to me about sex. They know that I'd prefer they wait, but I've not said it more than once, and they still talk to me about it. I also gave my brother some pointers on oral to pass on to his girlfriend. Oh, and some pointers on making her taste better - he says she tastes bad.

 

[Bandit58]

As far as I know, I'm the only kinky one.

I have a (married) brother, he's very straight. My mum was a 50s housewife - she never worked once she married, Dad was the provider, and he paid all the bills and gave her a budget for groceries etc. My kids......my son has a wicked dry sense of humour, loves Family Guy, and I suspect wouldn't turn a hair if he knew his mother was a sub. Daughter is at the "TMI" stage at 19. She's never had a boyfriend, but is starting to show interest in guys (and they in her apparently!).

They all live in NZ, and I'm in Australia, and although I miss them lots I'm glad I have my space to finally be ME

 

[Little_Kitten]

I'm not really sure... Well.. I know that my sister is a BIT kinky.. She showed me her toys lol.. She had some cuffs. Then she went on telling some of her sexual desires and stuff.. But they weren't so much about BDSM.. just a wee bit I guess.

Also, she told me that she once found a ballgag in my parents' bedroom some years ago when they were still together.... Quite fun. I went all "EEEW! a ballgag ?" about it.

Ah well. I dunno. I suspect some of them are at least a lil bit kinky.

 

[neonflux]

...As far as the nature/nurture debate....I always tend to be favour the belief that its ones environment that has greatest influence on us. My family has always had a very open minded approach to bodies and sex and I believe that certainly encouraged exploration. But as to genetics...I don't know. My guess is a combination of both

This really got me to thinking - I think many non-kinky folks associate bdsm with sexual repression at some level - in my and my sister's case, too, I think it was the opposite in that my parents' openess made it easier for us to accept and explore our sexual desires.

I wish I had some insight here, but I had to post to say I've been wondering about this myself. I look at family members and think, are they? Is it just me? Did my parents ever?

ITW, maybe you could use your cute little new pitchfork to encourage them to answer! Let out the little Domme that's hiding somewhere in that bad kitty, LOL. Actually, I wonder about a number of my cousins, but haven't ever felt comfortable bringing sexual specifics up with any of them. My mom was always comfortable with sex, but the rest of my family?

 

[neonflux]

For GentleSub_Ivy...

http://static.flickr.com/42/116841865_b9b592bf0d_m.jpg

I think I see more than 1 little black sheep in that photo *chuckles*

 

[neonflux]

Communication...

It's probably redundant, but yes I've discovered some of my family members are kinky. To tell the truth I'm not sure how I feel about it, they're 19 and 17. I changed their diapers, smacked their hands, and made them stand in corners. I think I would have been happier not knowing. lol

LOL! ~M (former play partner) and I were often surprised at the number of people we met who were coming out as kinky at 18 and 19. They're lucky that they have someone reliable to whom they can turn if they have questions.

I'm adopted so I have no sideways or backward references, I do keep a lookout with my two kids and grandkids, but it is difficult to get much discussion from them. They know some about me but reach TMI (too much information) very fast. Sorry I cannot add more.

I know that there were times when I was younger that I felt like my mom gave me TMI (still don't really enjoy knowing that my stepfather is well-endowed, LOL) but even though I don't talk to her much about my own sex life, I came to greatly appreciate her sharing with me as I got older.

I so wish my mother were a Domme too...*sigh*

I chuckled when I read this. I suspect that my mom, who was VERY assertive in her outer life was more on the submissive side if she'd been kinky

Well my 27 year old daughter is a dominant. She and I do not discuss much cause of the TMI thing.

I have to admit to being just a little envious of your daughter.

 

[neonflux]

Hmmmn : contemplates :

My father I have no damn idea and am quite unlikely to bridge the topic. Whom am I kidding, Hell would freeze over before I would ask him.

Time flies , must have been about ten years ago when I showed my sister the bondage teddy bear key-chains I bought as soft humor trinket presents for a few friends of mine . The look on her face was priceless as she launched into a lecture about how perverse and disgusting they were. I was actually taken aback a little. She caught me off guard and was so venomous in her 'appraisal' I think it's fairly safe to rule her out. I have an image file somewhere of a scary looking fish , exactly the same face she made. If I find it later I may post it. Interesting that came to mind just now.

My brother is accomplished with certain kink orientated terminology though I suspect it's more to do with having been a dedicated porn hound over the years. I'll ask him on the weekend Neon , just for you

Hmmmmm, could it be a case of your sister protesting too much? I am looking forward to the fish post. *chuckles* Regarding your conversation with your brother, could I listen in on the other line, LOL? (No just kidding, please don't ask - am worried 'bout the response, considering. A teddy bear being perverse????)

I'm not really sure... Well.. I know that my sister is a BIT kinky.. She showed me her toys lol.. She had some cuffs. Then she went on telling some of her sexual desires and stuff.. But they weren't so much about BDSM.. just a wee bit I guess.

Also, she told me that she once found a ballgag in my parents' bedroom some years ago when they were still together.... Quite fun. I went all "EEEW! a ballgag ?" about it.

Ah well. I dunno. I suspect some of them are at least a lil bit kinky.

Your response to your sister had me LOL. (Although you begin with cuffs, and who knows where it would lead, hmmmm....) There is something to the idea of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in this situation. (see response to ITW)