Kindness and BDSM

[NickiC]

Do you think you can be kind and philanthropic and have this interest? Or do you you put everything in a compartment?

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I'm not sure I really understand the question, but I will say yes, BDSM seasoned kinky people are people too.

I also think kindness itself can be kinky, but I'm weird that way.

 

[MeekMe]

I don't know if I understand the question.

I always consider myself human before anything else. That usually involves being kind.

 

[CutieMouse]

Why would one's sexual proclivities exclude them from kindness or philanthropy?

 

[Glycanthrope]

We who enjoy BDSM are just ordinary people with an extraordinary kink.
Our number counts both kind, loving, caring and considerate people, but sadly, our world also attracts unkind and directly abusive types.

My gut feeling is, that the kind, unkind and abusive types are drawn to different aspects of BDSM practice. The kinder ones may lean towards "service topping" - a label for those of us whose..**** priority... is to make sure that our sub has a great time while she is being dominated.

What the unkind and abusive types are drawn towards I cannot say, but hey, that makes room for discussion.

I hope this helps, but I cant help wondering
what made you need to ask this question in the first place ?

 

[DesEsseintes]

I can only imagine the question is perhaps based on a view of Dom(me)s, Masters and Mistresses as purely sadistic, unreachable, etc - psychopaths, essentially. But such a view ignores the fundamentally relational heart of BDSM. The sadist without a masochist is simply alone with a useless flogger. BDSM make communication and, yes, kindness, even more essential than in vanilla, since much of its practice can be counter-intuitive or apparently harsh.

And Glycanthrope, I think we have all seen what those dangerous types are drawn to. They are the insta-Masters, just add boiling water for Dominance types, calling for immediate obedience and no limits play from the off. They get rightly slated here and on other fora - but they play a numbers game, knowing there are people out there so damaged they will take what is offered.

 

[lydia_kitty]

I don't understand how the two are connected? The people who participate in BDSM are people and the relationships are often incredibly deep and loving, which indicates kindness. An unkind person is just a likely to be in a vanilla relationship.

 

[KoPilot]

Let's just say, that when I'm finally settled down in a city someplace for more than a year or two, I plan on starting an organization for awarding useful stuff to low-income folks, and possibly the homeless, and volunteering the shit out of activist organizations.

I also find that I give more to charity and give more to the homeless on the street than any of my vanilla friends too, so... you tell me, OP.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Every BDSM group, every munch, every dungeon in my area is holding every kind of charity drive for the season of the moment.
Every BDSM group around here has stepped membership fees so as to include low-income folks.
It doesn't stop with abstract philanthropy. People get up close with their caring.
When I mentioned on fetlife that I wanted to try a certain kind of art material and did anyone local have any before I spent money on it-- someone I have met exactly once paypall-ed me cash so I could afford to explore.
When I go to a party around here I get hugged and asked how I am doing-- often accompanied by one of those moves where someone pulls back to look you sincerely in the face-- sometimes a little more than I am comfortable with. Not that I'm complaining!

And the other night a young friend of mine took it upon herself to top the hell out of me because, she said, I was always giving and not getting nearly enough.

 

[desertslave]

And the other night a young friend of mine took it upon herself to top the hell out of me because, she said, I was always giving and not getting nearly enough.

Woohoo! Stella's got her groove back!

Apologies to the OP (if they return)...dear Stella, what kind of art stuff are you looking to play with? I (and several friends) are chronic dabblers, I might be able to scare up some goodies for you.

 

[Allyourbase]

I practice buddhist meditation, which involves training yourself in fluffy emotions that are actually really difficult, and have found that being kind to myself and others has made my kinky life bloom. It makes me judge less, enjoy more, know limits, be honest and, especially, acknowledge there's weird, painful, violent, sick stuff that people (including me) want, and that's o.k..

Also I work in the environmental movement.

 

[Bramblethorn]

If anything, I think BDSM has made me a little more thoughtful about how I treat others.

Years back, when I was in a historical recreation group, one of the senior members was a pro-domme. I can't say I knew her well but she always came across as a lovely, mellow kind of person, and I learned later that she was very active in social issues like preventing sex trafficking. Sadly she died at 39 from a brain aneurysm.

 

[Kitty]

Do you think you can be kind and philanthropic and have this interest? Or do you you put everything in a compartment?

I'm...kind and philanthropic...


Personally speaking, BDSM is very very dangerous if the person is vicious. It's not something to dabble in unless you do have some care and romanticism about it, otherwise, you can seriously seriously hurt or even kill someone. I do temp play, like I use fire and alcohol, and bonds can cut off circulation and knock you out like auto erotic asphyxiation can kill people. So au contraire I think people are very gentle, ironically, who do BDSM.

 

[Kitty]

If anything, I think BDSM has made me a little more thoughtful about how I treat others.

Years back, when I was in a historical recreation group, one of the senior members was a pro-domme. I can't say I knew her well but she always came across as a lovely, mellow kind of person, and I learned later that she was very active in social issues like preventing sex trafficking. Sadly she died at 39 from a brain aneurysm.

Are you saying you killed her?

 

[Cute3Kitty]

Why would one's sexual proclivities exclude them from kindness or philanthropy?

I completely agree. Would someone's sexual preferences have an effect on whether they are kind or not? I wouldn't think so.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Are you saying you killed her?

um, what?

 

[IrisAlthea]

um, what?

Bramblethorne the killer queen?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Woohoo! Stella's got her groove back!

Apologies to the OP (if they return)...dear Stella, what kind of art stuff are you looking to play with? I (and several friends) are chronic dabblers, I might be able to scare up some goodies for you.

I need modelling or sculpting wax-- soft or hard-- and JUST IN CASE, a heated sculpting tool would be great. A wax pen would be even greater...

Sadly these things get sold in stores that don't offer half off coupons.

 

[Kitty]

um, what?

Well? Everyone knows how David Carradine (Bill from Kill Bill) died. Auto erotic ashphyx. Soo you said BDSM made you care more for someone, particularly for a dom you knew of...who died...

If you didn't kill her, your post makes no sense.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Well? Everyone knows how David Carradine (Bill from Kill Bill) died. Auto erotic ashphyx. Soo you said BDSM made you care more for someone, particularly for a dom you knew of...who died...

If you didn't kill her, your post makes no sense.

Uh, no. I said that BDSM encouraged me to be thoughtful of others. Then I included a paragraph break to separate it from the next statement. Then I gave an example of somebody else I knew who also combined BDSM with being a kind person.

I find it a bit creepy that I mention somebody who was much loved who died young in tragic circumstances, and people here are trying to turn this into a joke.

 

[Kitty]

Uh, no. I said that BDSM encouraged me to be thoughtful of others. Then I included a paragraph break to separate it from the next statement. Then I gave an example of somebody else I knew who also combined BDSM with being a kind person.

I find it a bit creepy that I mention somebody who was much loved who died young in tragic circumstances, and people here are trying to turn this into a joke.

Stop sensationalizing. This is the internet, one must ask.

Going to you saying it was a separate thought, you then failed to expand how it increased your kindness for others. A break doesn't imply that. An indicative word like "also" does. I thought by reading the woman who was a domme being dead made you feel for people while doing BDSM. Trust me if I were "trying" to make a joke, I wouldn't try. I would just do it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Stop sensationalizing. This is the internet, one must ask.

Speaking of concepts that are important both in BDSM and in being a kind person:

When somebody says "I am uncomfortable with people doing X to me", telling them that their discomfort is invalid and they shouldn't expect that boundary to be respected is almost always a bad answer.

Going to you saying it was a separate thought, you then failed to expand how it increased your kindness for others.

"failed to"? Uh, no. "Chose not to". Sometimes I feel like writing long essays about this stuff and sometimes I don't, and that's my choice.

 

[KoPilot]

Speaking of concepts that are important both in BDSM and in being a kind person:

When somebody says "I am uncomfortable with people doing X to me", telling them that their discomfort is invalid and they shouldn't expect that boundary to be respected is almost always a bad answer.

Unfortunately there are dense jerks in BDSM too. :V

There are also people who think that because the internet isn't "real", that they can act worse than they would in meatspace.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I know I should probably let this thread quietly die... but I want to say something to the OP. If you have had BDSM relationships and have only encountered uncaring, unfeeling people, I am going to suggest that you are somehow approaching it poorly. Try again, differently. If you are afraid that only unkind, uncaring people practice BDSM and that is stopping you from trying it out, well, look around Just.. ignore the unkind few There are plenty of good people here, and in the lifestyle.

D meatspace!)

 

[NickiC]

I know I should probably let this thread quietly die... but I want to say something to the OP. If you have had BDSM relationships and have only encountered uncaring, unfeeling people, I am going to suggest that you are somehow approaching it poorly. Try again, differently. If you are afraid that only unkind, uncaring people practice BDSM and that is stopping you from trying it out, well, look around Just.. ignore the unkind few There are plenty of good people here, and in the lifestyle.

D meatspace!)

Sweet lady. I worry about my friend who travels into dark waters. Very much so and I asked the question. I was kind to my subs but there is a line of love and she is not experiencing it and I am worried. It is not me. I am a D.