keep yourself safe exploring bdsm

[Edith_UK]

Hullo I'm a newbie, to this site and bdsm. I have tried to look for similar threads, but tell me I should have found em anyway

I've never been involved in bdsm before cos frankly I've never trusted a man so far that I couldn't fight back or scream if/when I needed to. But... I know how to keep myself safe if I was working or doing a punter. What I'm asking is how many of the things you'd do in THAT situation hold true or are used in the bdsm scene?

For example, if I was meeting a client I would:
Never answer a withheld number
For incall always check he'd booked into the hotel using his own name by ringing reception
Or outcall, check his landline matched directory enquiries (mobile not good enough)
Leave his details with a mate, and let the client know you've done this
Standard 3-checks: Ring your buddy at start of booking (in front of client), end of booking (client there) and once you are safely on the bus or away (and text is NEVER good enough)
Get a driver to act as security if outcall, or have security downstairs if incall
Oh and always get the coin upfront and within 5 mins

Is these checks common in bdsm meetings (not the money bit, obv I'd not work bdsm)? Or would people find any/ all of them odd (in with case, how do you feel safe?).

Most importantly, are there any additional things that are really OBVIOUS to someone who has experience but I don't know about? Like, I've read about safe words, although how the fuck you'd know if the bloke was gonna respect that I have no idea. Any tips on how to judge trustworthiness from other ladies who've done this?

Any advice appreciated!

 

[SpiritRider]

Slow and steady. Although it happens often enough, jumping straight to the hotel isn't usually a good idea. Meet in a public place first. If they won't agree to this then something is definitely wrong.
Personal information is good. I've always supplied mine once I'm comfortable with the other person.

Thing that caught my attention most is that you've never been involved in bdsm before. You might want to attend a few munches and parties before jumping into one on one interaction.

 

[Edith_UK]

Slow and steady. Although it happens often enough, jumping straight to the hotel isn't usually a good idea. Meet in a public place first. If they won't agree to this then something is definitely wrong.
Personal information is good. I've always supplied mine once I'm comfortable with the other person.

Thing that caught my attention most is that you've never been involved in bdsm before. You might want to attend a few munches and parties before jumping into one on one interaction.

What're munches and parties?!

It's good advice to meet first. That would be weird for me normally (I mean why waste your time if your not getting paid right?) but in this situation I guess you have to set out the ground rules and that WILL take some discussion.

Cheers x

 

[SpiritRider]

Munches are get togethers that normally don't involve any type of play. A gathering of people for dinner where skittish people can meet without the pressures of being hounded for scenes.
Parties...well...they explain themselves. That's where people watch or participate in bdsm type events.

I would suggest you start searching for a local group in your area and introduce yourself.

 

[Edith_UK]

Well I never! Just googled [city] munch and there is one here. I am slightly surprised, didn't think there would be never having heard that word before. I'll go along I guess.

Thanks for that x

 

[SweetErika]

I'd also suggest checking out munches, workshops and parties in your local community. Take the time to learn, observe and get to know people. The vast majority of people I've met in the community are more than happy to share their knowledge and advice; that can be very helpful when it comes to scoping out potential partners. You can even ask for referrals and references (e.g. if you wanted to try bottoming for fireplay, you could ask folks in your community if they know anyone who's a skilled fireplay top; good dominants/tops shouldn't take issue with you asking about their experience level, if they can point out anyone they've played with previously who can give you a bottom's point of view on their style, etc.). For instance, one time I was watching a suspension scene at a party and mentioned my interest in bottoming to an experienced dominant. He pointed out what I should look for and ask prior to bottoming, and advised me to avoid playing with the suspension top we were watching because he used some techniques that weren't safe. His advice wasn't meant to insult the other dominant, but rather to educate ME on what I should look for so I could have a safe, enjoyable experience.

Parties are likely your best bet for trying things and people out in safer ways. Most clubs and parties have a universal safeword (like "safeword") - if a participant calls it and their partner does not stop immediately to check on them, staff and other members will intervene to make sure everyone is safe. You can use parties to meet people and gain experience before you play privately with anyone. Of course that doesn't guarantee your safety, but it's a hell of a lot safer than meeting some random person online or at a bar and going to a home or hotel room to play--particularly if the people you choose to play with at parties have solid reputations in the BDSM community.

Finally, many people DO pass on the info of the person they're meeting to someone they trust (or at least leave it in a visible place for a friend, family and/or the police just in case something goes awry) and use "safe calls" like you described. Even if I just meet someone new for coffee, I always tell my husband the details, where he can find the person's info and when he can expect me home or at least a call. I don't meet people for sex or non-public play, but if I did, you can bet I'd add a safeword (like using my husband's full first name instead of his nickname, or a certain term of endearment that wouldn't seem out of place in a conversation) so help could be sent if I needed it. Taking steps like that is always a good idea because there are definitely some bad apples out there, as I'm sure you know.

Best of luck on your journey!

 

[Edith_UK]

Hey Erika!
Thanks a LOT for that hun, that's really useful and I appreciate the time you've taken to pass it on. You're UK aint ya? Wish I could buy you a pint/ coffee and you could share your wisdom girl to girl!

x

 

[SweetErika]

Hey Erika!
Thanks a LOT for that hun, that's really useful and I appreciate the time you've taken to pass it on. You're UK aint ya? Wish I could buy you a pint/ coffee and you could share your wisdom girl to girl!

x

You're very welcome, and I hope it helps you at some point along the way.

I'm near Seattle, but I might just take you up on the pint when we return to the UK someday. Of course I'd never turn down a gift of Milk Chocolate Hobnobs or European chocolaty goodness, either! Hmm...that reminds me I need to try the Hobnobs clone recipes I found online.

Seriously, there are A LOT of amazing BDSM practitioners on Lit, and most of us are more than happy to share what we know and answer all sorts of questions. The BDSM Talk forum is a fantastic resource for people of all experience levels, so I'd encourage you to hang out and ask for advice there as well, even though there are also plenty of How To regulars who practice BDSM.

 

[Edith_UK]

You're very welcome, and I hope it helps you at some point along the way.

I'm near Seattle, but I might just take you up on the pint when we return to the UK someday. Of course I'd never turn down a gift of Milk Chocolate Hobnobs or European chocolaty goodness, either! Hmm...that reminds me I need to try the Hobnobs clone recipes I found online.

Seriously, there are A LOT of amazing BDSM practitioners on Lit, and most of us are more than happy to share what we know and answer all sorts of questions. The BDSM Talk forum is a fantastic resource for people of all experience levels, so I'd encourage you to hang out and ask for advice there as well, even though there are also plenty of How To regulars who practice BDSM.

Hmmm I'd post some, but biscuits don't travel well

Thanks for being friendly. And sane. I've been reading a lot of the BDSM threads, but I'm still too ignorant to post.