Just curious...

[MissTaken]

What is the draw for single individuals to pursue attached people on line almost exclusively?

I have seen a few posts lately that have these questions rolling over in my mind.

Is it a fear of commitment that drives someone unattached to married or otherwise attached people?

Is it the spirit of the challenge?

Is it altruistic in nature? A feeling that you can help an unhappy wife or husband through a difficult spot in their marriage?

I have some of my own thoughts and experiences to share, but am curious to see what you all might think.

 

[His_kitty]

I don't persue married individuals. It has happened that I've been with some that are married though, and the attraction wasn't because they were married..


I think that for some it's because they feel safer, that married people are less likely to want to carry over a cyber relationship into rl.

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, His_Kitty.

I know there was a time when I was doing the singles, on line dating scene, that it seemed the only men who captured my interest were attached.

Well, in that I won't be party to a messy divorce, it led to some lonely times However, for me, I think it was that at that time, married men understood what I needed from someone and it was second nature to offer it as they were doing so day in and day out for their wife.

But that is just my experience.

 

[Belilica]

I must say, this is a difficult question to answer. The person I'm closest to lives on the other side of the continent and my interest in him started before I knew he was married. I would like the opportunity to meet him in rl, but I honestly don't know what would happen. I do know that I'd not want to do anything to jeaprodize his life as it is with his family. I guess it's a source for emotional fulfillment for both of us. I was (and still sort of am) in a near emotionless relationship on his part. We're together, but we're not.... and things with this online person kind of make up for my partner's shortfallings. I am in love with him, but know that (due to circumstances) nothing will come of it aside from our long phone conversations and passionate e mails. We are learning from each other and helping each other. Just last night he called me with a computer problem and we worked on it for hours both on the phone and over IM. He's wonderful to talk to and always has solutions for problems that I'm dealing with as well.

I know I kind of rambled on here, I hope this makes sense to you.

Cheers!

~Bel

 

[intrigued]

Miss T., I'm sorry but I have very negative views on this subject. I think they do it primarily because it is safe. People that are unable to commit still have a need for others, and maybe in their mind, there is no risk of actually having to commit, because the other person is already committed. Or so it seems, but in my opinion, that is not committment. How can giving what goes to your SO to someone else be committment? Which leads me to the other reason...
I understand the emotional needs that aren't being met, I understand the physical needs that aren't being met. I get it. But its seldom that easy. How can a third party fill the needs your relationship with your SO doesn't? If you think the answers lie elsewhere, then end the relationship with your SO.
At some point, something has to give. I think the more two people are together, and the more they find what they need in eachother, the more they will want eachother. How long can this be sustained with any comfort level? Maybe some people don't need much and they can handle it. But if they don't need much, why risk screwing up someone elses lives, over something that isn't needed much?

I'm not judging anyone because I've been there. I thought I could have "special friendships" with people unavailable to me, but I was wrong. I thought enhancing anothers life in some small way was a beautiful thing, and that it was harmless. I still do, to a degree...like with my pictures. If it gave someone attached to someone else a little pleasure, cool, as long as it isn't made personal by interacting with them in a sexual, romantic way. A little light teasing and flirting is one thing, interacting with them in a personal manner (as in a relationship) is something else. It's playing with fire, and I am not willing to do that. Not only in that it could hurt their relationship, but for myself as well. I need my own man, and my needs far exceeded "online only". It did appeal to me to offer a shoulder to someone needing to talk, those friendships are just that, friendships. Sometimes people need someone objective and understanding to listen to them...but that is not the same thing as entering into a relationship with them.

 

[MissTaken]

I know I kind of rambled on here, I hope this makes sense to you.

Cheers!

~Bel

I am curious, but feel free not to respond...

Are you involved with this person to the exclusion of all others?

I wonder what would happen if you found room in your heart for someone else, someone closer who could be with you.

Again, I am being intrusive, so feel free to ignore my post

 

[MissTaken]

I understand the emotional needs that aren't being met, I understand the physical needs that aren't being met. I get it. But its seldom that easy. How can a third party fill the needs your relationship with your SO doesn't? If you think the answers lie elsewhere, then end the relationship with your SO.

While I agree, time and energy would be better placed working on your relationship with your SO or making some hard decisions...

how liable is the single third party if that person choses to only interact with married people?

I think that single people who blatantly seek married people for any sort of intimacy are behaving in a malevolent manner.

But that is just my thought...

 

[A Desert Rose]

Been there and done it. It is emotional hell. The big daddy, roller coaster ride of all.

I never say never. But I will do my utmost to avoid this situation again, at all costs. Married men are not trustworthy. They are by and large, cads.

 

[plasticman33]

Is it really that anyone concentrates totally on attracting someone just because they're married?? Or is it that an individual finds them self attracted to someone who happens to be married? There is more than a subtle difference here.

 

[SexyChele]

Been there and done it. It is emotional hell. The big daddy, roller coaster ride of all.

I never say never. But I will do my utmost to avoid this situation again, at all costs. Married men are not trustworthy. They are by and large, cads.

Yeah - what she said....

Well, except that I do say "never". I do not ever want to put myself, or another woman, through that heartache again.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Yeah - what she said....

Well, except that I do say "never". I do not ever want to put myself, or another woman, through that heartache again.

Hey you! So nice to see you, again. ;-)

 

[MissTaken]

Is it really that anyone concentrates totally on attracting someone just because they're married?? Or is it that an individual finds them self attracted to someone who happens to be married? There is more than a subtle difference here.

There are not so subtle differences. As I said in my first post, there was a time when it seemed that the only men who interested me were married.

But, there are also single people who seem to pursue ONLY married or involved individuals. I am wondering if it is for the same reason many married individuals will only engage with other married individuals. There is no threat of need for commitment when both are married. NOw, is it possible that there are single folks out there who in not wanting a commitment get involved with married folks rather than do the work to get only what they want from a single person?

 

[plasticman33]

Maybe that's it, fear of commitment.

 

[intrigued]

While I agree, time and energy would be better placed working on your relationship with your SO or making some hard decisions...

how liable is the single third party if that person choses to only interact with married people?

I think that single people who blatantly seek married people for any sort of intimacy are behaving in a malevolent manner.

But that is just my thought...

How can I say this best? Any and all parties that engage in this are liable.

plasticman, your question reminds me of those that say "I didn't mean for it to happen, it "just happened..." We all have a choice, and in getting to know someone, asking them immediately if they are married is paramount. It is at this point that we get to make a choice, we are not emotionally invested yet. If we opt out then, we never get to the point of being attracted to them in a manner that is too tempting.

 

[MissTaken]

We all have a choice, and in getting to know someone, asking them immediately if they are married is paramount. It is at this point that we get to make a choice, we are not emotionally invested yet. If we opt out then, we never get to the point of being attracted to them in a manner that is too tempting.

That is true, assuming the truth is given in response.

 

[intrigued]

That is true, assuming the truth is given in response.

Thats why it pays to go slow, to listen to that little voice inside, and to think hard before you continue on. The truth is always there, and usually comes out. If not, its just a shame because there is really no lesson to be learned. A person that wants to scam you will scam you.

 

[Lancecastor]

Seeing good people in bad relationships always makes me sad.

Lance

 

[plasticman33]

How can I say this best? Any and all parties that engage in this are liable.

plasticman, your question reminds me of those that say "I didn't mean for it to happen, it "just happened..." We all have a choice, and in getting to know someone, asking them immediately if they are married is paramount. It is at this point that we get to make a choice, we are not emotionally invested yet. If we opt out then, we never get to the point of being attracted to them in a manner that is too tempting.

Are you saying it's impossible to become emotionally involved before you ask that fateful question? "Hi! I really like you. Are you married?" "What you are?" Exit stage right. Seems a little unrealistic.

 

[MissTaken]

Are you saying it's impossible to become emotionally involved before you ask that fateful question? "Hi! I really like you. Are you married?" "What you are?" Exit stage right. Seems a little unrealistic.

Yes, but isn't marital status something that would normally come up when first getting to know someone? Well, at least if you are single and looking?

 

[morninggirl5]

Are you saying it's impossible to become emotionally involved before you ask that fateful question? "Hi! I really like you. Are you married?" "What you are?" Exit stage right. Seems a little unrealistic.

One of the first questions i ask someone i'm getting to know is whether they are married or not. I will never (yes, i said never) be involved with someone who is married and asking about it up front is simply the right thing to do.


If i have the tiniest suspicion that i'm being lied to about marital status, then i distance myself from the person.



Maybe i've been wrong and passed up someone that could have been special to me, but for me, being 100% certain that i'm living up to my beliefs is more important.

 

[intrigued]

Are you saying it's impossible to become emotionally involved before you ask that fateful question? "Hi! I really like you. Are you married?" "What you are?" Exit stage right. Seems a little unrealistic.

No, not impossible, just foolish. I was *seriously* looking for a man, and quite active in the "personals" scene. In that venue, it's the number one thing you just gotta know.

 

[Belilica]

I am curious, but feel free not to respond...

Are you involved with this person to the exclusion of all others?

I wonder what would happen if you found room in your heart for someone else, someone closer who could be with you.

Again, I am being intrusive, so feel free to ignore my post

Not exclusive, not at all. As much as we care for each other, he realizes that I have needs that he can't fulfill. He does get jealous, but understands and encourages me to find someone. It wouldn't be a huge issue. After all, he is married (nervous laugh) so he can't really tell me that I can't be with someone else, not that he would. If there's anything else, feel free to ask.

 

[MissTaken]

<snip>

Maybe i've been wrong and passed up someone that could have been special to me, but for me, being 100% certain that i'm living up to my beliefs is more important.

What if you believed monogamy was unnatural, that marriage is a farce?

Then, that could lend itself to the situations I implied in the beginning.

BTW, you aren't wrong. I would rather wake up alone than wake up with someone and have my values in shreds on the bedstand.

 

[MissTaken]

Not exclusive, not at all. As much as we care for each other, he realizes that I have needs that he can't fulfill. He does get jealous, but understands and encourages me to find someone. It wouldn't be a huge issue. After all, he is married (nervous laugh) so he can't really tell me that I can't be with someone else, not that he would. If there's anything else, feel free to ask.

Thanks!

How do you feel about being with someone else?

How does your involvement with him affect any efforts you make to find someone?

Having been in a "long distance, doubtful meeting" sort of situation, it can be difficult, I think. If I dated, I felt guilty and compelled to tell him. Then, that made for some difficult times and confusion.

 

[morninggirl5]

What if you believed monogamy was unnatural, that marriage is a farce?

Then, that could lend itself to the situations I implied in the beginning.

BTW, you aren't wrong. I would rather wake up alone than wake up with someone and have my values in shreds on the bedstand.

In the end result, for me, it comes down to integrity. If you believe monogamy unnatural and marriage a farce, you shouldn't enter into a relationship that includes monogamy or marriage, nor should you violate the integrity of someone in such a relationship.