"Jumping ship"

[MissTaken]

I have been doing some thinking in terms of the down side to internet relationships. Some conclusions that I am tossing around are:

1) When involved with someone on the internet, is it too convenient to "jump ship" at the first sign of a problem? Example: I have been talking with someone who seems very serious about us and I would like to meet him. Today, I made a snippy sort of statement in chat and he decided that this was "good bye." Now, if we were meeting in real life, he would be forced to deal with the issue, rather than run from it.

(BTW, no hugs or sympathy. This behavior did not at all surprise me. )

2) It also seems that the internet provides too much access and temptation. Sometimes, the fact that a person is chatting with three or four people on a serious, "maybe we can meet soon" level, is it's own downfall. Having too many choices may lend itself to not making any choices.

3) Trying to build a relationship based primarily on text has it's positives and negatives. We know the positives. One CAN be totally honest behind a wall of secrecy provided by id's and things. On the downside, when I am chatting with you, our relationship is based solely on our interaction with regard to one another. This is as opposed to the relationship also being built on how we interact with our environment, our reality. So, when someone tells me they love me, based solely on instant messaging, I have a little lecture they get. Do I believe it is impossible? NO! Even being on the phone allows for a more wholistic knowledge of one another. Now I am rambling.

So, I suppose I wanted to post these thoughts and see how quickly the thread would die. But the first though is,

IS it too easy to walk away from a potential partner on the internet?

 

[Freya]

Yes it is at times, because you don't have to deal with the personal aspects of the hurt involved. It's easy to be snippy, and write people off when you don't have to see their face and see the tears.

One thing that bothers me about your post - and I have experienced it as well - is that I feel that "snippiness" can also be a mode of controlling someone. It makes you chase them, thus they have control over you. I am probably not saying this well, but I feel at times, it can be a tool for them to use to get you under their thumb a bit. Especially for men using it on women - women tend to be more sensitive at times, and don't want to hurt someone, so they make apologies or try and get that person to no longer be mad. So when you say something, that normally would not be construed wrongly, and that person says, "Fine then, goodbye" you hurry to explain yourself and bring them back - thus putting you one more notch under their control.

Arg! I know I am not saying this right.

 

[omahaman2]

with the internet,you dont have the flesh and blood person there.The internet is a good starting point,you get to learn about the person,without all the added distractions such as looks etc,but it is only a starting point,because like you stated it is only printed text. Yes,ive seen that it is easy to walk away from an online relationship, jenny and i have noticed that many times people we know have split,i guess they say well its just online,not a real relationship.However,just want to ask people a favor, BE CAREFUL what you do. Even though it might be online,there is a living breathing person on the other pc with feelings

 

[Carp]

Internet vs real life

I think it really comes down to the person you are dealing with, much les than the medium. Speaking for myself, a relationship is a relationship. An internet relationship may not be as serious as a face to face relationship, but I would still endeavor to not be hurtful, to not write someone off, etc. One of the issues that the medium may bring up is that people who can not be succesful in a face to face relationship may be more likely to get involved on-line. And you might be more likely to pick that up quickly face to face- things like lack of eye contact, inappropriate body language, lttle clues that are easier to spot in person. But, the person is still the issue.
Of course, my relationship track record pretty much sucks, so take that into consideration as you think about this- I am probably way off base, given my history

Carp (who lost his Lit virginity today- Yeah! But, was it good for you???)

 

[tn_8tiv]

It is easy to walk away from an internet relationship but only if the relationship wasn't real in the first place. If you have developed a bond with someone, it's as hard to leave as a r/l relationship.

 

[greybeard]

it used to be "playing" and then it got real..........

it is almost a game at first, a playing of sorts.......but stay at it a while and one begins to see, and feel, that oh! there is a real person on the other end......we stumble, say the wrong thing.....this text only aspect makes that way too easy.....and being anonymous as we are makes the slinking away possible and maybe too easy as well............but think of those who we have met through this play......those who have come to be good friends......some we may have actually met.....but many who will always be experienced through the written word.......those are the experiences which we should treasure.......I get weary of it all every so often, drift away to other diversions......but then the edge of it all comes back and I venture out again.......to play with those whose words entertain me...................

my typing skills have also been enhanced greatly..................

greybeard

 

[MissTaken]

Freya!!!!!

You just described what I did!

I explained the comment and yada yada yada....

Damn! I didn't realize I was just slipping under his control.

Oh well...***** goes on

I wouldn't mind explaining if he had simply said, "What did you mean by that?"


Many times, if I think I have misunderstood, I take a step back and ask for clarification before getting bent out of shape.

The text can hide the intent.

 

[MissTaken]

It is easy to walk away from an internet relationship but only if the relationship wasn't real in the first place. If you have developed a bond with someone, it's as hard to leave as a r/l relationship.

And the same can happen in real life?

The quick shunning of a potential partner?

The ignorance of hurt and tears?

Yes...I believe so.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Perhaps that is why this thing today doesn't bother me. It wasn't real yet.

 

[Arden]

Hi Miss T,

Wow.

There are so many perils involved with internet relationships. Unless you meet the person you're interested in face to face, do you really know them at all? Seriously!

One thing I'd like to touch on is the fact that there are many very talented Writers here... (hehe... Lit, remember) Some of them have a conversation style so charming or hypnotic that they can easily charm the internet pants right off of you. It can be like an addiction. You can't stand to go a day without hearing from this person, or posting with them. Then you go to PM's, and progress to chat or IM's when your comfortable. You're lost... spellbound... and suddenly it's gone for no logical reason. If you liked this person, there are at least 50 more that have an interest... think about it.

Maybe you are entranced by their writing style along with that killer Av? It is all to easy to fall in love with an "IMAGE" of the person you like, rather than the real life person that they are. You just assume they are going to be the same in person. Sometimes you're surprised, if you do get to meet. Hey, I didn't know you were 62 years old, married, and masquerading as a 30 something with a killer Av. (Why didn't they tell you? Did you ever ask?)

For new people...regarding Av's, know that these are hardly ever the person you are talking to. (See mine? I'm not always an ass!) Also, we do a LOT of flirting online. Whenever I start exchanging PM's or phone calls with people that I've befriended, I always tell them the ways in which I am NOT like my online personality. It's really easy to set your inhibitions free when you're anonymous. You might role play an erotic fucking on a thread somewhere, then someone may keep that image of you in their mind while trying to get to know you. You must set these people straight up front, if you don't act like that in R/L. One example... I hang out at the "Fuck" thread... which is a riot! Every post has to contain the f u c k word in some manner. But, I don't speak like that in R/L, so if someone contacts me based on a fuck thread friendship, I tell them that that is not the real me. In fact, in real life, I wouldn't like to hang with people that talk like that 24/7. Here, it's a great way to relieve stress and have a few laughs.

So many reasons these relationships can fail. Lies, avoiding answering certain personal questions, maritial status (yep! some aren't truthful!)

But, Miss T, I feel you are 100% correct in stating that it is almost TOO easy to walk out on an internet romance. It can hurt very much, just like a breakup with a friend that lives near you. But, as painful as it can be, you are almost better off that it happened now, instead of after you established stronger bonds. If this person was so fast to walk out the door today, over a silly chat room incident... guess what they might do in the future, when there is even more to lose? Same thiing. They did you a favor. You're now free to meet a more sincere friend...

So, to anyone bothering to read all this stuff, please be careful with your perceptions of people here at Lit. Check out their posting history, and see who they hang with here. Keep your feelings in check for self-preservation purposes. Be cautious. Be honest. Establish other friends who can be there for you if you ever take a fall. Your true friends are the ones that will keep you sane in the long run.

 

[Blue Dolphin]

Hi Miss T,

Wow.

There are so many perils involved with internet relationships. Unless you meet the person you're interested in face to face, do you really know them at all? Seriously!

One thing I'd like to touch on is the fact that there are many very talented Writers here... (hehe... Lit, remember) Some of them have a conversation style so charming or hypnotic that they can easily charm the internet pants right off of you. It can be like an addiction. You can't stand to go a day without hearing from this person, or posting with them. Then you go to PM's, and progress to chat or IM's when your comfortable. You're lost... spellbound... and suddenly it's gone for no logical reason. If you liked this person, there are at least 50 more that have an interest... think about it.

Maybe you are entranced by their writing style along with that killer Av? It is all to easy to fall in love with an "IMAGE" of the person you like, rather than the real life person that they are. You just assume they are going to be the same in person. Sometimes you're surprised, if you do get to meet. Hey, I didn't know you were 62 years old, married, and masquerading as a 30 something with a killer Av. (Why didn't they tell you? Did you ever ask?)

For new people...regarding Av's, know that these are hardly ever the person you are talking to. (See mine? I'm not always an ass!) Also, we do a LOT of flirting online. Whenever I start exchanging PM's or phone calls with people that I've befriended, I always tell them the ways in which I am NOT like my online personality. It's really easy to set your inhibitions free when you're anonymous. You might role play an erotic fucking on a thread somewhere, then someone may keep that image of you in their mind while trying to get to know you. You must set these people straight up front, if you don't act like that in R/L. One example... I hang out at the "Fuck" thread... which is a riot! Every post has to contain the f u c k word in some manner. But, I don't speak like that in R/L, so if someone contacts me based on a fuck thread friendship, I tell them that that is not the real me. In fact, in real life, I wouldn't like to hang with people that talk like that 24/7. Here, it's a great way to relieve stress and have a few laughs.

So many reasons these relationships can fail. Lies, avoiding answering certain personal questions, maritial status (yep! some aren't truthful!)

But, Miss T, I feel you are 100% correct in stating that it is almost TOO easy to walk out on an internet romance. It can hurt very much, just like a breakup with a friend that lives near you. But, as painful as it can be, you are almost better off that it happened now, instead of after you established stronger bonds. If this person was so fast to walk out the door today, over a silly chat room incident... guess what they might do in the future, when there is even more to lose? Same thiing. They did you a favor. You're now free to meet a more sincere friend...

So, to anyone bothering to read all this stuff, please be careful with your perceptions of people here at Lit. Check out their posting history, and see who they hang with here. Keep your feelings in check for self-preservation purposes. Be cautious. Be honest. Establish other friends who can be there for you if you ever take a fall. Your true friends are the ones that will keep you sane in the long run.

Listen to this lady, she knows what she is talking about., lomg time no see Arden, hugs, be well love,BD

 

[tn_8tiv]

Hi Miss T,

Wow.

Establish other friends who can be there for you if you ever take a fall. Your true friends are the ones that will keep you sane in the long run.

How true! Thanks Arden.

 

[Golden Eyes]

Hi All

Hope you dont mind I'm here. I flirt a lot on the threads, hang out in chat. I have a few very special ones that I care very deeply for. They know who they are. I am married, but yes I do go to pm;s but not always for cyber sex. And I agree with you, the way we are here on lit, is not the way we are in real life. I thank all of you who are really my friends. And you know who you are. We all come here for something. Maybe we are lonely, not always happy at home. I come here for friendship, and yes sometimes love. And I want to thank you my special T for always being there for me. Know that I will always be there for you whenever you need me for anything. I will always be here for any of you that needs a shoulder to cry on, some one to hold and hug. We all need that sometimes

Love
GE

 

[tn_8tiv]

After reading thru some of the posts, I felt it was more appropriate that I change my AV to more closely reflect the true me.

 

[Arden]

After reading thru some of the posts, I felt it was more appropriate that I change my AV to more closely reflect the true me.

Gotcha, Burt!

 

[tn_8tiv]

Gotcha, Burt!

Come on Arden, you know Sean Connery when you see him

 

[Arden]

After reading thru some of the posts, I felt it was more appropriate that I change my AV to more closely reflect the true me.

In honor of TN's move, I'll put my ugly mug up for about 15 minutes...

 

[Arden]

Come on Arden, you know Sean Connery when you see him

Uh oh..... actually, they were both quite a bit older than me, so I didn't see that many of their movies...

And recent photos of them, I wouldn't know at all... sorry!

 

[ma_guy]

I think it's all been said...

in regards to the original question that is..

If I may, can I reverse the question a little?

Do the posters here think it is also easier to get INTO serious relationships on the Internet? (I'm talking about more than just "Hi! How are you today?" kind of relationships here..)

In reading threads on Lit it seems like this is the case for many. Comments?

 

[double16in]

I think the best thing about internet friendships is it is so easy to start talking with someone; far easier (for me at least) than chitchat with someone in a bar or at a cocktail party. At least here (and in chat rooms) I can find people who don't mind being honest (the privilege granted by internet anonymity).

The ladies I have met from internet chats have all been wonderful people, and I feel privileged to be considered their friend. Few of the women I have met over the internet have been intimate relationships; most, like me, simply want a way to meet a new friends without all the hassles of going out.

Yes, it is easier to walk away from an internet relationship, but I have found that those "chats" that didn't turn into anything were doomed to failure predominantly because we had nothing in common. It seems to me to be a tremendously convenient way to sort through all the various people you can come into contact with without the expense of that "first date".

I think most of us here on Lit have enough experience with internet chatting to determine if the person we are speaking with is a real person or a BS artist.....Arden makes a good point, we should all be cautious, but more importantly, we should all be honest...after all, honesty is the best virtue, whether spoken in person or typed into a thread (or PM or IM or whatever).

Just my 2 cents worth.....have a great weekend y'all

 

[Woodmiester]

playing devils advocate some .....

Everyone has made valid points and MissTaken, great thread by the way.
I think my experience is not special so I'm sure most of you that have gone into a chatroom or even IM's also must realise that while some have great typing skills or a grasp of words, not everyone does, plus even if you're the best their is, trying to express a joke, a story of your day of even caring or love to another, the one thing that is hard to do is express the inflection of what your meaning to get across. I think it was Arden that said this same thing but using other words, sorry for the repeat if so.
If I were to say/type, Arden I really love you, am I expressing a from the gut emotion of my desire to spend my life with her, or am I saying, her posts of the Fuck thread are funny as hell and just giving a pat on the back sorta I love you, it's all in the inflection you see.
Now, another point......
While it's true one can let it all come out and not be shy or insecure, let's face it, some people will lie knowingly. The have some hidden agenda and will say whatever they must to get whatever it is they want from you, be it your emotions, photos, phone sex or RL sex. In otherwards, a player, and both male and female can and have done this.

MissTaken I agree as already stated, it wasn't real yet and it seems someone was playing you for their gain, so it's best to find out know is it not?

 

[JennyOmanHill]

I believe it is easier to "jump away" quickly from an internet relationship. You literally aren't facing the other person, and if the interest is lost, you can simply "evaporate".

My early cyberslut days were like that! I just arrived into chat for a new experience. I had four different "personalities" (each one a different character that I created), and for a while, enjoyed the attention of getting pm'ed and chatting with others in syd's hot tub. But it became boring very quickly.

No cyber partner ever became "attached" with any of my "ladies", and I never exchanged info (such as name; address; pictures; even email address) with any of them, so I never really hurt another's feelings.

However, once I become the "real" Jenny, I felt the difference of sharing online friendships, and it was worth much more to me than any cybering session.

From what I observe here at LIT, there are many who immediately place trust and share valuable information much faster than they would if it were an offline relationship. I have witnessed both male AND female participants "bail out" without a trace, sometimes after meeting with their partner, but also up to the last minute BEFORE an offline meeting.

Some of the friendships here are as true and meaningful as if I had met these people offline, and I treasure their words and support.

It seems I've rambled, but I hope it makes some sense!

 

[naughtygirl]

Personally, I think that a relationship on the internet should most often times be defined by the two people that are involved within that relationship; who they are as individuals, what type of character and integrity they possess, and what are they are expecting to gain from such a relationship. I believe this is more important than the medium that is used to begin such a relationship.

Yes, a forum such as Lit allows for people to let go of their inhibitions, let down their walls, and explore more. And this can be what initially attracts you to an individual....but doesnt this in itself give you some insight into what some people are about deep down inside? -- although they might not feel free to express it outwardly in everyday interactions for whatever reasons, whether it be their own insecurity, lack of certain freedoms, etc? What I present on the boards and what threads I choose to post on, I believe, reflects who I truly am as an individual, what feelings I have, what things I find meaningful to me as a person, what I consider fun and what things I find attractive and sexual appealing. For example, I have made comments about exploring with a woman and have role played interactions. Would I do that in "reality"? Probably not. Do my RL friends know that I have a "bi-curious streak that runs through me? No, not really. But here I can explore that idea, and my interest in that.

And of course, this cannot be said of all people who post at Lit; some people might merely come here for fun, some naughty times, to let go of frustrations (both emotional and sexual) and as a distraction from their everyday lives. (and this is not a judgement about that, everyone comes here for different reasons.) And we have all come across or learned of someone that was a total poser.

However, I think that once you move past the boards and onto more private conversations, through PMs, IMs and more so even the phone...things often become more intimate and this is where one can gain a far better picture of that individual. And this is where it becomes tricky. A person can choose to put up a facade as to who they REALLY are as a person, and tell lies or half truths about themselves, what they think and what they feel in this more intimate setting...one must ask honestly of themselves and each other, what are they truly expecting to gain from such an interaction? And unfortunately, if one person is expecting to receive honesty from that other individual and doesnt receive it, this can lead to hurt feelings, feelings of anger, mistrust, etc., just as you would expect in a "RL" confrontation of this sort. But if the two people involved are truly honest with themselves and each other about what they are expecting, than I see no reason why such a relationship could not flourish and have as much validity as a "real life" relationship.

However, I still personally believe that such contact with a person (through IMs and the phone) still doesnt make for the whole picture. Its a somewhat more complete picture of the individual/ /relationship but still not the WHOLE picture. The whole picture can only really be attained through face to face interactions, with reality hitting you square in the face.

Back to the original question (I rambled, I apologize). Is it too easy to "jump ship" and walk away from a potential partner? Well that would have to depend on the individuals involved and what they expected to gain from the relationship. Yes, the internet allows for the ability to break easily, quickly, and without the face to face confrontation. However, if you have presented yourself TRUTHFULLY as a person who is truly invested in a relationship online, whether it be friendship or romantically, then I think it is just as difficult for you to break it off and walk away as you would find it in "reality".

(Just my $0.02...ok maybe in this case $1.00...since I rambled on and on...) Thanks MissTaken for starting a thought provoking thread and I look forward to reading other's thoughts on this matter.

 

[casuallysweet]

good thread

I like this thread...it's a good one. but besides liking this thread, I know how everyone feels on this board. I enjoy talking to many different people online, and these people make me happy. I don't necessarily mean I want real life relationships with them, and some may see it different. I've had many good times, and some hurtful times...and after reading this, I feel that I need to take more of my conversations lightly, compared to what I have been doing. and it is easier to end an internet relationship in some ways, but I also sometimes feel more connected to some people over the internet...I suppose that it depends on the person, I know that I have said goodbye, it's over, hoping that the person would still want to talk after I had said that, but it wasn't so...now I'm just rambling...but anyway.. good thread.

 

[MissTaken]

After reading thru some of the posts, I felt it was more appropriate that I change my AV to more closely reflect the true me.

I am so love Sean!

He can park his shoes under my bed anytime

 

[MagicMan]

Most of my thoughts have already been covered in other posts.

I'm just upset that you don't want any hugs or sympathy