Jokes

[Joey3308]

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye.
As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language.

The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.

The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

 

[CarelessWhisper]

Did you hear about the blonde that couldnt afford vanity plates?


She changed her name to PVL-437


*No offense to all the blondes!!!*

 

[Joey3308]

This is fun....go here and vote and/or take the test


http://www.jennaorbarbara.com/

 

[potatohead]

The other day I took my unlce to his first AA meeting but somehow we ended up at AAA meeting by accident and didn't know it. Everyone was sitting there filling out forms and reading maps and we were wondering how it was going to help. My uncle, the trouper, stood up and said "My name is Frank and I'm an alcoholic." They all looked up and said "You shouldn't be driving" and went right back to their maps.

 

[Joey3308]

10 Reasons Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

1. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

2. The puck is always hard.

3. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.

4. It lasts a full hour.

5. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

6. Your parents cheer when you score.

7. Periods only last 20 minutes.

8. You can count on it at least twice a week.

9. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

10. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

 

[potatohead]

Why guitars are better then an S.O.


Guitars don't have parents.

Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.

You can share your Guitar with your friends.

Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played

Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.

You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent pick.

Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars or if you buy Guitar magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud mother/father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.

Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.

If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.

You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore or fustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.

Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.

Guitars don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.

Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.

And last, but not least: If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own.

 

[Succulent-one]

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly


Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

 

[Joey3308]

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't they're born that way!

Q: What do blondes do they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A : There is white-out all over the computer screen!

Q : What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A : When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?
A: They don't know the route!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone!

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!

Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?
A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: T*ts go in front!

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn!!

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered!

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant!

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's!

Q : What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?
A : A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???
A: She didn't know which 1 came first!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff!


Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it!

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations!

Q: There are three third grade girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde.... she's 18!

Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?
A: A WIND TUNNEL!

Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?
Aut a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!

Q : how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?
A : she got cold and turned off the fan.

Q : What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A : Nothing, they've never met!

Q. How do you know when a blonde has been in your fridge?
A. there's lipstick on all the cucumbers.

Q:What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag.

Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A : She was raking leaves.

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?
A : There is make-up all over the mirror

Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you smack the blonde she blonde she keeps on sucking!

Q.How does a blonde turn on a light after have sex?
A.She opens a car door.

Q.Why can't blondes make kool-aid?
A.They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.

Q.What did the blonde say to her boyfriend after he blew in her ear?
A.Thanks for the refill.

There was a blonde and brunette walking through the woods. The brunette pointed and said look a dead bird the blonde looked up and asked, "where??".

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it becuase the other two are fictional!

 

[Succulent-one]

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have the camel, sir.

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

No sir," the First Sergeant replies, "They usually just ride the camel into town"

 

[Succulent-one]

Dear Tide,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best! Now that I am in my

fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to

berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his

blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, purchased

a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the Detectives

who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a

suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

Thank you once again, for having such a great product. Well, got to go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

 

[veryblueeyes]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had n oticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price.

 

[shaggiegoodie]

ohhhhhhh so true..i remember shutting my foreskin in my zip aged about 8...a not to be repeated occasion lol

 

[shaggiegoodie]

there are a few of these...

 

[shaggiegoodie]

that defo make u smile........

 

[shaggiegoodie]

so hope they all work...

 

[shaggiegoodie]

WAS TRYING TO GET MORE THAN ONE oops attached

 

[shaggiegoodie]

but couldnt work it out!

 

[shaggiegoodie]

so sorry if your bored.but i liked them all....

 

[Succulent-one]

Dictionarium

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's
winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer.

12 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub
in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

[Succulent-one]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish...............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic........................................No tits
Average looking....................Ugly
Beautiful.............................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist............................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun...........................................Annoying
New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned..............................No BJs
Open-minded..................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................................Sloppy drunk
Professional......................................Bitch
Voluptuous.....................................Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well preserved body...BUT rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "holy shit" ~ what a ride!!"

 

[Succulent-one]

To impress a woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her.
Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

To impress a man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings and beer. Don't block the TV

 

[veryblueeyes]

A German, an Italian and a Redneck were on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1.. to be shot 2.. to be hung 3.. to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus. So the German said,"Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

Ok, this one is stupid, but I laughed...

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

 

[potatohead]

heh heh

 

[shaggiegoodie]

some words have to be pronounced in a poor chinese accent.appologies to all chinese - ha nation ......ho.k.

girl goes to doctors and says to him 'doc, ive an awful problem'
'ok my dear what is it' is the reply
'well i cant get a boyfriend' she says blushing
'i see' he says looking over rim of glasses....; and how long has this been going on ' he says avidly...

'I've never had a boyfriend' says the girl bashfully.

ok take all your clothes of so I can have a good look at you'

'Oh I say' he says in best british accent.' zaccharies disease I'd say, turn around'

Dutifully the young lady blushingly turns around

'Well now hhhhmmmm.......I'm not certain...but I think it is, what we'l do I have a friend who works in Harley st, he's an expert on zaccharies, if it is he'l recognise it immiediately and tell u what u can do, but dont worry my dear'

So off she goes to harley st, knocks on the door and its immiediately answered by a small chineses doctor (remember the accent)
'aaaaah sooo wha can i dooh fow u'
to which the girl replies..@ive been sent by doctor kno to see u, because I cant get a boyfriend'

'ahhhhh soooooh IN YOU CUM....take off close'
getting almost brazen now the girl whips of all her clothes...

'hahhhh so.tuwn awound.................. ahhhhhhh..zaccharies maybe he says quiely..'

' YOUR COLLEAGUE SAID IT MIGHT BE THAT ...what the fuck is it'? the girl hurriedly and loudly asks

'ah hold on a momen' says the doc...'wha i wan u do nex is turn awound.stick yo head between yo knees an looooook aht mee..'

becoming more resigned now the girl does it


'AAAAAAH SO ZACCHARIES' EXCLAIMS THE DOCTOR LOUDLY AND EXCITEDly

'ok ok i hear you what the fuck is it'

'your arse is exachharie (zaccharie) the same as yo face'!

........best after a few drinks i think......