Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Scam Notice

I hate people who forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is really important. Please do not delete until you have read it. Better yet, send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take off your clothes and dance around, DO NOT DO IT! This is a SCAM! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I had gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now .

 

[Succulent-one]

Nice Stone

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Barracks Door

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No! , no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."

 

[carrie-on]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science.
One day the youngest & prettiest wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and my youngest wife has given birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replies, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief! is silent for a moment, then says: "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby

 

[Succulent-one]

Reporter's interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------ * * * * *
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------ * * * * *
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------------- * * * * *
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
------------------------------------------------ * * * * *
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex
drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
---------------------------------------------- * * * * *
God, grant me the senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
------------------------------------------------------ * * * * *
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

 

[Succulent-one]

BEST THINGS TO SAY--- IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR

DESK... 1. ".... in Jesus' name. Amen."

 

[carrie-on]

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back.
"Who is afraid of a mouse?"


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

 

[veryblueeyes]

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?!

One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We all very hungry."

The waitress replies, "So, how is jacking off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?!"

One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny. ''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.'' The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'' ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Who enjoys sex more?

Men and women have been asked this age old question... and in answering, ask yourself this.... when your ear itches, and you insert your pinky finger, wiggle it around.... what feels better? your pinky, or your ear?

Case closed!!!!

 

[SensualMale]

Re: Who enjoys sex more?

Men and women have been asked this age old question... and in answering, ask yourself this.... when your ear itches, and you insert your pinky finger, wiggle it around.... what feels better? your pinky, or your ear?

Case closed!!!!

But, your pleasure is my pleausure too

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Re: Re: Who enjoys sex more?

But, your pleasure is my pleausure too

Ahhh...... a man after my own heart. Kisssssssss

 

[SensualMale]

Re: Re: Re: Who enjoys sex more?

Ahhh...... a man after my own heart. Kisssssssss

That's a beautiful AV there! Lovely, in fact.

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Who enjoys sex more?

That's a beautiful AV there! Lovely, in fact.

Thank you my dear.... also one of my fav Cali pics.

 

[Succulent-one]

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

~ If we see you wearing $350 Pair of sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

~ If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

~ If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

[Succulent-one]

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND SAYS,

"BARTENDER, GOT ANY SPECIALS TODAY?"

"YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT WE HAVE A NEW DRINK

INVENTED BY A GYNECOLOGIST PATRON OF OURS.

IT IS A MIX OF PABST BLUE RIBBON BEER AND

SMIRNOFF VODKA."

"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU CALL THAT?"





"A PABST SMIR."

 

[Succulent-one]

New Louisiana Quarter

Party State

 

[Succulent-one]

Giorgio's new shoes

Giorgio walks to work every day and passes a shoe store on his way. Each day he stops and looks in the window, admiring a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about two months, he saves the $300 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community gets together to dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, replies, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, " Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is playing. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmella answers, "Yes, yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack ina my $300 Bocceli leather shoes!"

 

[Joey3308]

Funny pic

 

[Joey3308]

There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.

The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."

"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"

"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

 

[veryblueeyes]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

 

[veryblueeyes]

Three guys are discussing women. First guy says "I like to watch a woman's tits best." The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

 

[Joey3308]

George Bush......the early years

 

[Succulent-one]

Hillbilly mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life,
an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture' but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.