Jokes

[veryblueeyes]

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, a bunny named *Hassen Pfeffer* decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Blonde vs Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from L.A. to N.Y. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and visa versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says,"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blondes attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and library of
congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00 . The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb!

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Password

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his
computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told
him that he would now need to choose and enter a password....
something he would use to log on.

Her husband was in a rather amorous mood, and he figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to her attention.

When the computer asked him to enter his password, he made
it plainly obvious to her that he was keying in
"p...e...n...i...s."

She about fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED- NOT LONG ENOUGH******

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Headache

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked, and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I HAVE A HEADACHE."
"PERFECT", the husband said. "I was just in the bathroom, powdering my penis with aspirin. . . . . . . . .
You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you."

 

[Succulent-one]

Pierre the Fighter Pilot

"Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's Lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep,

Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our hero stands with his hands on his hips and says defiantly,

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

The old lady in the bank

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old
lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You
bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she
replied, "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on different things with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25, 000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25, 000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25, 000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25, 000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet
him $100, 000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

 

[Joey3308]

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see I'm a chirpractor and I could just see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?"

 

[veryblueeyes]

So there is a guy on an airplane who really has to go to the bathroom. But the men's bathroom is all full. So he asks the flight attendent " Can I use the woman's bathroom because I really have to go!" The flight attendent responds "Ok, as long as you DO NOT press the big red button!" So while the guy is on the toilet doing his business, he notices 3 buttons on the side of the toilet. He pressed the first button and felt water on his butt. Then he said "That feels nice." Then he pressed the second button and felt air on his butt. "That feels even better!" Then he saw the big red button. He thought "What harm could it do?" Then he pressed the big red button, screamed, and blacked out. When he woke up in the hospital and asked the nurse "What happened?" she said "You pressed the big red button on the airplane" he responded "I know, but what did it do?" she said "That button was a tampon remover."

 

[Joey3308]

So there is a guy on an airplane who really has to go to the bathroom. But the men's bathroom is all full. So he asks the flight attendent " Can I use the woman's bathroom because I really have to go!" The flight attendent responds "Ok, as long as you DO NOT press the big red button!" So while the guy is on the toilet doing his business, he notices 3 buttons on the side of the toilet. He pressed the first button and felt water on his butt. Then he said "That feels nice." Then he pressed the second button and felt air on his butt. "That feels even better!" Then he saw the big red button. He thought "What harm could it do?" Then he pressed the big red button, screamed, and blacked out. When he woke up in the hospital and asked the nurse "What happened?" she said "You pressed the big red button on the airplane" he responded "I know, but what did it do?" she said "That button was a tampon remover."

I'll never fly again

 

[veryblueeyes]

Sorry about that sweet Joey!!

One day a rich man and a poor man were talking and it just so happened that their wives had the same birthday. So the poor man asks the rich man what he's getting his wife on her birthday. The rich man said "I'm getting my wife a pearl necklace and a Mercedes". The poor man said "why both"? The rich man said "because if she doesn't like the necklace she can drive her Mercedes to take it back". The rich man then asks "what are you getting your wife?" The poor man said "I'm getting her a purse and a dildo". The rich man said "why a dildo"? The poor man said "because if she doesn't like the purse she can go fuck herself".

 

[Joey3308]

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.
The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.

After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

 

[wanton wonton]

LOL, I'm glad I subscribed to this thread.

 

[veryblueeyes]

Three midget mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind (grindage heh heh) it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

 

[veryblueeyes]

Ralph was vacationing in Las Vegas. When he was at the casino he hit the jackpot for One Million Dollars!! As a reward, the owner of the casino gave him the best room in the house. When he got up there he thought to himself that he was really lonely in there, so he called down to the front desk and told them to send up the most expensive, most experienced whore that they have, and they did. When the girl got up to his room he asked her how much it was for a hand job, and she said that that it was $500. He thought that was too much and she said "hey look out that window... see all those little buildings down there...I bought all of those just giving hand jobs". He said "ok" and she gave him the best hand job that he had ever had. He asked her how much it was for a blow job and she said that it was $1000. He said that it was too much so she turned to him and said "look out the window at all the big buildings down there..I bought all of those giving blow jobs". He said "ok" and she gave him the best blow job that he ever had. He asked her how much it was for pussy. She said, "Honey... if I had a pussy I would own the whole damn town!"

 

[tonitits]

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce
is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.
They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean.
There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place.
Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children.
If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Daren , hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those darn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

 

[veryblueeyes]

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce
is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.
They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean.
There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place.
Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children.
If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Daren , hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those darn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

Girl, that is too funny!!!!! LMAO

 

[Joey3308]

Good one Toni!

http://www.gif-world.net/modules/Gallery/data/media/24/014.jpg

 

[veryblueeyes]

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago." "Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"

 

[SexyWench]

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together In front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs".

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

 

[Joey3308]

The Bill Clinton version: "My Favorite Things" (From "The Sound of Music")

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

 

[SexyWench]

Child Support

Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "OK"

Later....

Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

 

[veryblueeyes]

Child Support

Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "OK"

Later....

Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

Sexy, that was just hilarious!!!!! I am still giggling...

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.hot-blooded.com/Clinton/HILARY1.gif

 

[tonitits]

Child Support

Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "OK"

Later....

Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

Oh that's cold! But very funny!

 

[Grizzman]

What's long, brown, and sticky?




A stick!


Okay, maybe it's a touch lame, but it has proven an excellent ice breaker.