Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Cowboy Poetry

COWBOY POETRY

Buying A Bra

I ain't much for shoppin'
Nor even goin' into town -
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three"

Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.

I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally make my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done

But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.

 

[biggbear8]

The Judge
>
>
> Message
>
>
>
> The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged
> with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
>
> A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
>
> The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your
> mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
>
> The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
>
> The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
> "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But
no
> more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a
> problem?"
>
> The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry,
> Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that
bastard,
> and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have
one."
>

 

[biggbear8]

A "Priceless" joke



Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself
to open
his
eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a
glass of
water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it's in perfect order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love
You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there IS a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what
happened
last night?"

His son says, "Well Dad, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and
delirious! Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave
yourself a
black eye when you stumbled into the door!"

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when
she tried to take your pants off, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

 

[Succulent-one]

pissing and moaning

YOU MAY GET RESULTS AFTER ALL !!


An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.


He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.


Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:


1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.


2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.


3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.


4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.


5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[Succulent-one]

Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a newRolls Royce. The car is
parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything
checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee
of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke

 

[Joey3308]

A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat."

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bitch ... do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

Gay, straight ... they all want blow jobs.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

 

[veryblueeyes]

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."

 

[Joey3308]

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."

OMGD that was sooooo funny! Thanks...I needed that

 

[Joey3308]

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

 

[Joey3308]

Redneck Sex Test
1.The clitoris is a type of flower..... True or False

2.A pubic hair is a wild rabbit...... True or False

3.Spread Eagle is an extinct bird..... True or False

4.Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.....True or False

5.A menstrual cycle has three wheels...... True or False

6.A G-string is part of a fiddle..... True or False

7.Semen is a term for sailors...... True or False

8.Anus is a Latin term for yearly...... True or False

9.Testicles are found on an Octopus..... True or False

10.Asphalt describes rectal problems...... True or False

11.KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati..... True or False

12.Masturbate is used to catch large fish..... True or False

13.Coitus is a musical instrument...... True or False

14.Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke..... True or False

15.An umbilical chord is part of a parachute..... True or False

16.A condom is a large apartment complex..... True or False

17.An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.... True or False

18.A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry..... True or False

19.A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle..... True or False

20.An erection is when Japanese people vote..... True or False

21.A lesbian is a person from the Middle East..... True or False

22.Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass..... True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records..... True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin...... True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve"...... True or False

 

[His lil secret]

http://www.foggys-funnies.com/price/pix/priceless088_jpg.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

10. Refer to him by his first name.

11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

12. When he says no, cry.

13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"

18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

23. Trip and fall into him.

24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

26. Chew on the pen, nervously.

27. Clean your ear with the pen.

28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

31. Act like you are retarded.

32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

33. Mumble to yourself.

34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

38. Ask if he watches Cops.

39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

40. Giggle if he did.

41. Talk to your hand.

42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

46. Try to sell him your car.

47. Ask if you can buy his car.

48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

49. Play with the siren.

50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner

52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

57. Turn your head and whistle.

58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

62. Tell him you like men in uniform.

63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

 

[SexyWench]

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...






"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

[His lil secret]

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

*giggles* too funny !!!!

 

[Joey3308]

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck
pulls away.................................................... -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1
You leave them under the bed...................................... -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings.................................................... +5
But return with beer.............................................. -5
You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom......................................... -2
You make the bed.................................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5
You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10
It's her father................................................... -10

Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy........................................ -2
Named Tiffany..................................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6
Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze
at her lovingly.............................................. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump...................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you"........................................ +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy
in bed"...................................................... -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8
You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12
You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16

Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together....................................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car.................................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar............................................... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3
Most of it chips and beer......................................... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16
Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15
You visit her parents............................................. +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3
And the television is off......................................... -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6
And you didn't even go to college................................. -10
And it's not your underwear....................................... -15

Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner........................................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing...................................................... +4
And you stink..................................................... +2
And you're not half bad........................................... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
to much applause.............................................. -2
You give her a gift............................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal................................................. -5
And the pal is happily married.................................... -4
Or frighteningly single........................................... -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers.............................................. -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200

Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends....................................................... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.......................................................... +10
You wait up....................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35

A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together............................................. 0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2

A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie........................................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs..................................................... -15

Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25

Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5

Grooming
--------
You trim your nails............................................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8
But then, neither does she........................................ +8

Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120

Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal.................................................. -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60

The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression....................... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10

 

[SexyWench]

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied,"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV, the vibrator next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

 

[sueanninct]

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared.
"What's going on here, ma'am?"

"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed.

"Ma'am. That's your air freshener."

 

[Succulent-one]

ASS SIZE

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

The results of a recent survey have been released.
It was a poll on how women felt about the size of their ass.
The findings of the study are very interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big.

10% of women think their ass is too small.

5% of women say that they don't care, they love him, and would have married him anyway.

 

[Joey3308]

Yes, it's what you all have been waiting for. The technology has been developed to add a scratch 'n sniff feature to your puter....try it, it's great!

http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/#click

 

[Joey3308]

I'm repeating the scratch 'n sniff thing cuz I think its really awesome technology...ya just gotsta try it



http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/#click

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Dear Connie Letter!!!!

Dear Connie,


I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass
that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know,
maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Gosh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging
away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see, how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where you put the fucking remote?



Love,

Chuck.

 

[Joey3308]

Hilarious Answering Machine Messages

Hilarious Answering Machine Messages

1. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here, so leave a message.

2. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

3. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

4. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

5. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.

6.He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

8. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

9. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

10. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

11. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

12. I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if it’s a emergency, please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back.

13. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

14. Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)

15. (With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.

16. "(In funny old lady voice) Hello, you have reached the ----family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping."

17. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

18. Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

 

[Succulent-one]

Cinderella

AGED CINDERELLA

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for Companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which Your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered............................
"BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME."

 

[veryblueeyes]

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."

 

[veryblueeyes]

This just in............AP June 14, 2004 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for, "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,... Foul play has not been ruled out.