Jokes

[Joey3308]

Think ya have a strong sex drive? Take the test

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/sexdrive_sabotage.asp

 

[Succulent-one]

Lost Boy

A small boy was lost at a shopping mall. He approached a uniformed
police man and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

 

[Joey3308]

Subject: Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1: Share critical information pertaining to Credit and Risk

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After
a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking
for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands
her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited
about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the
towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks
from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next
door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband
says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"


Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk in a timely fashion with
your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.


><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><<><><><><>

Corporate Lesson 2: Always be well informed

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side
of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which
she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest
had a look and nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up
her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered
and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove
his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her
leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the
priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm
129. It Said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will
find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your
job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Corporate Lesson 3: Respect leadership hierarchy wisely

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of
smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my
life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie
says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those
two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the
first say.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Corporate Lesson 4: Know your position in the corporate structure

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also
sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a
fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Corporate Lesson 5: Advancement Strategies

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't
you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at
a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there.

 

[Succulent-one]

Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountant on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

 

[veryblueeyes]

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news." ''Well, give me the good news first.'' ''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.'' Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?'' ''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''

 

[biggbear8]

If Dog's Wrote Letters to God
>
>Dear God,
>Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
>
>Dear God,
>When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old
>story?
>
>Dear God,
>Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the
>colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?
>How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!
>Would it be
>so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
>
>
>Dear God,
>If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
>still a bad dog?
>
>
>Dear God,
>We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
>horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and
>Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
>
>Dear God,
>More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
>
>Dear God,
>When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
>
>Dear God,
>Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
>
>Dear God,
>Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a
>good dog:
>- I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it
>up.
>- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
>the way they smell.
>- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
>- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
>- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
>- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
>- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
>license and registration.
>- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
>- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
>'hello.'
>- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
>coffee table.
>- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
>- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
>carpet.
>- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch
>when company is over.
>- The cat is not a squeaky toy; So when I play with him and he makes
>that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
>
>Dear God:
>May I have my testicles back?
>

 

[biggbear8]

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas.
>She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What
>rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do
>now?"
>
>A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why
>don't you play your age?"
>
>He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by
>a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He
>rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the
>crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table
>operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks,
>"What happened? Is she all right?"
>
>The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money
>on 29, and 55 came up. Then she just fainted!"
>

 

[biggbear8]

>A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits
inthe
>back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes
them,he
>comes back to the bar and orders three more.
>
>The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat
>after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The
>cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Australia,
>the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we
>promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank
together.
>So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The
bartender
>admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>
>The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. He
>orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
>
>One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take
notice
>and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the
>bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted
to
>offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled
for a
>moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just
fine,"
>he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church
and I
>had to quit drinking...hasn't affected my brothers though.
>

 

[biggbear8]

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

 

[biggbear8]

Hunting Story
>
> A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
>
> The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET I'll be
across the
>field."
>
> A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream
and
>ran
>back to his son.
>
> "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
>
> The boy, bless his heart, answered, "Look, I was quiet when
the
>snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed
down my
>neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
>
> I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
>didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
>
> I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
>
> But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said,
>'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just
>panicked.".
>

 

[veryblueeyes]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

 

[Joey3308]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

 

[Dymoel40]

Did you hear about the new gay website?

C:<enter>:###

(see colon, enter colon, pound, pound, pound)

 

[Dymoel40]

Anyone know the speed limit for sex?

68, because at 69 you have to turn around.

 

[Joey3308]

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

 

[Succulent-one]

Citibank and dead people

My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February
and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card,
and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge (the
balance had been $0.00...now was somewhere around $60.00).
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division,
or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me ?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .. "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A WOMAN

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young
secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and unscrewed the ends of the curtain rods and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss
for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters and
they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked. People stopped coming over to visit... repairmen refused to work in the house...the maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He
told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as
they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

...including all the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING !!!

 

[Joey3308]

"Do" Micheal Jackson

http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/index.htm


Just drag on parts to make his face

 

[Joey3308]

Real Bumper Stickers
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like his passengers...."

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

 

[KHAN-E]

A housewife was feeling very neglected by her husband. When he came home from work on Friday evening, the woman told him, "You are going to take me out tonight. And you are going to take me to someplace expensive!"

Sooooooo

He took her to the GAS STATION.

 

[KHAN-E]

A man was busy installing a new cabinet door when he discovered he needed another hinge. Since he was busy, he sent his wife to the hardware store.

The wife had to wait while the owner of the store took care of another customer. While she was waiting, she looked around the store. She discovered a beautiful teapot on one of the top shelves.

The owner completed his transaction with the other customer, then gave his attention to the wife. She explained the type of hinge her husband needed, just as he had told her. The owner explained that all his hinges were in the back storeroom. Before allowing the store owner to go find the hinge, the lady asked, "How much is that lovely teapot up there?"

The store owner explained, "That is a pure silver teapot and costs $150.00."

"That's a lot of money. More than I can afford right now," the lady despondently replied. "I guess I'll just take the hinge."

The store owner went to the storeroom in the back of the store. In a few moments her shouted out to the lady, "Do you wanna screw for this hinge?"

The lady replied, "No, but I will for the teapot!"

 

[SexyWench]

Speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

 

[Joey3308]

Guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

 

[biggbear8]

Johnny's fingers


>
>
>
> >
> > Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he
accidentally
cut
> > off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St.
John's.
> > The doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have da fingers and
I'll
> seewhat
> > I can do."
> > Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."
> > "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? It's 2004. We got
> > microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
have put
> > dem back on and made you like new.Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
> > Johnny says, "How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up!!!"
> >

 

[biggbear8]

This will really make you feel old.......
>
>Put your birth date in the pop up window after you click on the below
link.
>
>What happens is pretty interesting. It's also amazing how quickly it
>
>computes!! Very cool. Send it on to all you think might like a bit of
>trivia!! click here:
http://www.frontier.net/~cdm/age1html
>
>